Even if All Over The Body, But Also to Live a Beautiful Life

　　Sometimes life, just like tasting tea, of which the various flavors, only you know.

　　It used to be very sunny, and now I'm so sad. Just know why to live so tired ...... now, around the people, around the things, also do not know how to face the ...... began to get used to a person, like a person ...... also do not I don't know when I started to like the quiet, love the silence ...... found myself changed! It is time to change, but also to change me! I always thought I was a very strong person, but I am still not as strong as I thought ......

　　Put tears, put in the dead of night, listening to sad music, secretly crying

　　At night, sometimes I want to go to sleep, but I can't sleep peacefully because I'm thinking about it!

　　But sometimes, somehow wake up from the dream, so want to cry, so want to cry, as if everything is inexplicable ......

　　People around me are coming and going, holding their heads up and taking confident steps, while I keep my head down ......

　　I hope to live a simple life, hate the complexity, but now life is not complicated, why do I feel disgusted, disgusted ......

　　My heart is so sore, maybe what happens around me is right and wrong, I can only keep silent! The heart is so hard so painful, so aggravated. I always tell myself to be strong, but the tears always flowed down without argument. The tears that fall are the indescribable taste of the heart ...... is so painful, so heartbreaking. So lost. So helpless. So depraved. I want to escape from this life!

　　I wanted to leave, but I couldn't!

　　Me: "Family, when you are giving to me, but I do not know how to be grateful, complaining about this and that, complaining about God, always make you unhappy, I did not mean to. I'm sorry!"

　　I'm just sad that an accident brought to me by someone else's hip-hop led to an illness that may not get better for the rest of my life, the result. This is too big a price! I couldn't study well because of this disease, and my childhood dream of going to college was shattered. I always thought I could do great things by studying, and knowledge changes fate! What a pity! Do you know how much damage I have suffered because of this? How much did you lose? There are many others, others I do not want to mention, you do not know, you do not know, because all this is too far away from you! When I want to create my hands to create a better tomorrow, I found that my hands are not flexible, when I want to use my mind to create my future, I found that my head has been injured! What can I do to compete with others, what can I do to compete with others? What else can I use as capital? When I think of the future, I don't dare to think too much, and I don't dare to plan my future. Because I will cry ......

　　All of this is ironic!

　　In the past, I was not afraid of anything, always forward, now I have no confidence, do anything, feel that they do not know, do not know anything, no confidence ...... even my family has no confidence in me, which I can still feel out, take I said to find a job, my father said I am only suitable for simple work, the complex can not do. The complex can not do, and over time I think I can only do simple things, for example, I want to change jobs, I told my father that I found a porter job, a monthly salary of about 5000, my father said you will work in this original factory, listen to me, or you can not even find a job! I was disappointed to hear this! I said to my dad I'm so old, if I have to listen to you to arrange thmywn life, I I'meo fafailMy current job is arranged by the school graduation, I have resigned, but came back to this factory, so far I have never done another job, I have no confidence. I am now in this factory although I do a process in the whole factory first, all, I have a lot of manual dexterity is not as good as others, inferiority complex more than a sense of achievement, and I was also in this factory by my boss to drive over, but I still it did not leave, think about it is indeed a failure, I know even you also think I have no hope. How I wish you would pay more attention to me! That would give me the motivation to live! I'm desperately trying to prove myself, just want to fight, I don't want to be a burden to you. I don't want people to say I'm not capable. I want to show those people who don't think I'm good enough, I want to show them. I'm great too!

　　My story of time, the bumpy road of life, what is the struggle and helplessness that most people have not experienced? What is the power in the valley of life that supports me to be strong and brave for life efforts to go on? I believe my life will be glorious because of them! I would like to share them with people! I have never really written a journal about myself in space, I was wondering how to start and how to talk about it

　　Looking back at the past nineteen years, I looked back and cried! I was able to view so many of my tears, pain, wounds, and humiliation suffered, the wrong path of regret ...... memory can be covered up, but looking back at the heart of the pain will be hidden in the depths of the heart lasted a long, long time ......

　　If you can choose to be born. I'd rather not be born]

　　When I was a child, I always had a dream in which my parents were strangely gone, and such a dream would always wet my pillow with tears, and that kind of frightened feeling every child would know!

　　In the early morning of June 15, 1993, I was born into this human world, the sky was still raining, and the heart of a child was crying along with it. I was naked and let the rain lap at me while the "woman" walked away ...... I don't know what she was thinking at that time that made her decide. I don't know what pissed them off, but I'm not upset. You guys are not because you dislike me, right? Or is there something difficult to say? But I think, no matter what, you should not have abandoned me as soon as I was born, and it was still raining, and you abandoned me on the side of the road without giving me a coat. ...... I can't help but feel sad when I write this!

　　You can understand how sad you will be when you know that you abandoned yourself! Because it was you who brought me into this beautiful world, it was you who killed me, and I would rather you hadn't brought me into this world. How much pain do I have to suffer because of you? When I see other parents with their children, a happy family smile, you know how I feel, but I can only silently shed tears, do not know why so cruel as to abandon me! In the eyes of others. In the eyes of other children, I was a different kind of child, a child without parents, classmates bullying themselves, making fun of themselves, leaving themselves indelible shadows, the trauma! All this is given by you "good" guys, is this what a guy should do? Don't you feel ashamed of it? To do this to me, to leave my flesh and blood body on the dirty roadside, to be destroyed in the wind and rain! Although my life originates from you, you have no right to manipulate my life and death! I hate you all ......

　　When I later heard people say that the one who gave birth to me was a beggar, I don't know if I can believe it, I froze, should I not complain about you guys?

　　The sky is not the limit]

　　God did not let me die young, thankfully let me meet a good man - my father. I thank my dad for kindly adopting me as a stranger without blood (they have a son and a daughter,) giving me a home, letting me have a bunch of good relatives, letting me have the right to call my mom and dad, making my life, caring for me without complaint, taking care of me, watching over me, loving me, treating me like a biological son or daughter! Not the same blood, but the same love!

　　When I was born, a TV series "Xiamen Bride" was being broadcast in our province, and there was a male protagonist named Liao Fuqi in the film. They said I was adopted by them lucky, and they called me lucky. But I did not bring them luck, brought them a bunch of trouble, I feel like a burden, they did not feel proud and proud because I grew up, but brought them, again and again, a disappointment. Sometimes I quarrel with you because of some trivial things, and they look bad, I still feel comfortable saying "I speak loudly to you because I take you as my family" I am too ignorant, too uncalled for.

　　[Parents' quarrel, children's pain.

　　Dear mom and dad, everything is good at home! I'm scared that you guys are always fighting. Quarrels do not solve the problem but add to the trouble. As Grandma said, "A good word is a good word and a bad word is a bad word, so why not talk properly?" Like grandpa said, "Your grandmother and I have never quarreled, what's there to quarrel about?"

　　You guys have been in a bad relationship for a long time, and I see it in my eyes, and it hurts in my heart! I don't know what to do, I can't persuade, I keep blaming myself for why I am so stupid if I were smarter I could stop it ...... Finally, it turned out that the parents' quarrel was caused by themselves ...... The introverted and repressed personality is inevitably linked to your relationship ...... Whenever I see other families together, the family is harmonious and has happy smiles, I dare not look long, because I know I will cry ......

　　[Childhood schooling time, thanks to the teacher's tough love.]

　　In elementary school, I was a poor student, I have no credits, no, no ...... I was naughty, I like to play video games, always sit in the last row, do not pay attention in class, was often punished by the teacher to stand, always do not do the right homework was left late by the teacher to go home, be blamed, be beaten on the hand... ...

　　But I was naughty, when I was at school, was very obedient to the teacher, and very respectful. It's a bit embarrassing to say that since elementary school my academic performance is particularly poor, my parents rarely care about my learning care is useless, at that time I still do not know what is going on when reading, more think reading is the same as completing the task, I was the bottom of the class when I was in elementary school! Now when I think about it, my face still burns a little. Until one day, was stimulated to the heart very badly, and then thought, can not let people look down on their own, I also want to let her know that poor student's industry can become excellent students. From the fourth year of elementary school, I began to resolve to catch up, every day to get up early and work hard, learning has improved by leaps and bounds, in the sixth grade final exam, I language and mathematics test total score of 183 points, I am quite pleased. Unfortunately, I failed to get admitted to a key middle school ...... I want my dad to give me to the county to study because I think the county education comes better than the rural areas. But my dad won't let me, the consistent thought is: as long as you have the will to study, then a bad school can also produce talent. Although the words are true, it is clear that he ignored the importance of a good school for students ......

　【. The environment corrupted my mind during my secondary school days.]

　　That's how I had to choose a rural high school and enter one with no threshold, as long as I could afford to pay three or four hundred dollars in tuition to attend. There are good memories of high school, but it seems that there are more bad memories. I think it's important for a student to choose a good school, I think it's important for a student to meet a good principal, and I think it's too important for a student to meet a good teacher, but it just didn't happen for me. In the case of my school, I feel that the teachers nowadays can take the students' future and education seriously and treat them unfairly to increase the school's promotion rate. For the sake of all the students, for the sake of all the students! During an inexplicable placement test. I was satisfied with the results of that test, but I was assigned to what was considered the worst class in the school, while one of my classmates who was worse than me was assigned to a good class. I didn't like the assignment, but I had no choice but to accept it, so I had no choice but to stay in the bad class.

　　The class was unorganized, undisciplined, poor in learning, and bored with school. The teacher is not patient to teach (teaching our English teacher is the owner of the cafeteria, often leaving early to load fast food ......) the number of tardy and more ...... I'm about to collapse such a learning atmosphere ...... just At first I still have the heart to read and know the importance of learning, but over time, but no academic performance ...... Maybe it is too long to stay in this class, assimilated it!

　　[At that time, I was down in the dumps].

　　I regret to meet the wrong people in this wrong school, middle school dormitory chief is a bully who is always bullying us, as to how a bully, I will not say. I remember once he was vilified, I called my father to come, and I cried, "Give me a new school, I promise to study hard. Otherwise, don't let me study" I knew how determined I was at that time, and I was serious. But my words were not supported by my father, and he did not listen to me. At that time, I was in a very heavy mood, I blamed my father, complained that he did not pay attention to my study, and I lost the motivation to learn, since then I began to rebel up ...... degenerate. A time to waste school, unmotivated to read the school.

　　[Bed accident. A devastating blow.]

　　I was in the top bunk one day to make my bed, the dorm head was playing and running with a roommate on the top, at that time I happened to stand up and fold the quilt, and they ran over, I should have accidentally pushed me from behind, I fell from the two-meter high bed, head first, hazy, a sharp pain, I heard then also fainted, the back of the head has swollen a piece, after the person The initial mouth opened involuntarily, the middle of the hands and feet shaking, constantly pumping storage, and then the frequent seizures, a few minutes between seizures, even every time you sit down to stand up will be seizures, walking is difficult, and there have been people to help ......

　　[The moment. It was as if the world was coming to an end]

　　When I went to the hospital to do the brain wave examination when I received the report card, the results of the examination were "tonic, epilepsy" at that moment I panicked, although I did not know how to read that epilepsy, a look at a sense of foreboding, when I saw this wording in the hospital placed epilepsy health card "I'm not going to lie, I was terrified, I felt like I was at a loss for words with an incurable disease. When the doctor let me know what epilepsy is, told me how to cure it, how long it takes to cure, and gave me medication to become a medicine jar in the future, it was like being struck by a bolt from the blue, I can't tell you how sad, how frightened and how helpless I was ...... when I learned that the traumatic brain injury caused my epilepsy. When I found out that epilepsy was caused by a traumatic brain injury, I was going crazy, I hated that person, and I wanted to rush over and beat him up ......

　　I'm not a psychopath!

　　How many times did you lose your cool in front of people, how many times did people look at you differently, how many times did people snicker around you ...... At that time I hated going to gym class, others were playing together in groups, but I was wandering around the corners of the campus alone. I was silent, no one noticed my existence, I was superfluous ...... I do not know from which day I was afraid to look up. A deep sense of helplessness tormented me when I faced all this how much fear inside, no one knows. Can you understand the desperation of a person who falls to his knees, classmates who want to help, but all refuse to get up? Can you imagine the image of a person shedding tears every day?

　　How intense is the internal pain, the vicious cycle of physical, depression, family disputes, and usually listless, learning is also not satisfactory for various reasons when I know that the midterm exam results test poor, mood loss to the extreme, wildly hit their head, hug headache crying, I know what this means ...... tears form a spring, I saw I saw myself tired body and mind. There was a moment when I wanted to start over, but what was gone was forever ......

　　I don't want to be defeated by the disease!

　　The first time I saw a person with epilepsy, I was able to get out of it, and I didn't want to thank the suffering, no matter how difficult it was for me to understand, but I would rather not understand it for a day without epilepsy.

　　My first work experience, I can't say it in a thousand words

　　2010, 5.10...Curcuma stepped into a factory and started his first work journey... [1) The partners all entered another workshop, and Curcuma was called out because his right hand was not flexible...He was the only one who felt that people looked at him differently. On the first day, a man said in a stern voice: "Don't use the inflexibility of your right hand as an excuse, if your right hand is inflexible, you will be able to overcome it, or the team leader will see you slow and scold you. ... After listening to him and thinking a lot, and then look back on the time when people said to themselves "you are the slowest" "I don't know what I can arrange for you to do" "I don't know what you can do It's not good to let people look down on you...is it okay? Curd said in his heart "Curd will not allow others to say that they are" Later, Curd finally proved that he is not worse than others, but the best, he can do twice as much as others and was put on the first hat of the factory, how gratifying it is, Curd is responsible for his own le... also in this side to pay their own some The fruits of their labor, sweat for pay, so that the curd to learn to earn money to live some difficult, to sharpen their own some, but also let themselves become strong ...

　I'm at a loss as to what to do in the future.

　　At home for a year and a half, nothing to do, all day shut in their small room, this period my heart is always in a constant struggle. I used to face my job, facing the time to go to work I am always complaining about a long time, looking forward to getting off work earlier ...... Today I lost my job, I am alone at home, to waste time, day after day, in others seem carefree life, and I come to me what kind of invisible pressure, I am not an unmotivated People! Many words do not know how to say, and who to say my thoughts, a kind of no one to support and no one to understand the sadness, only to have to be strong! I know I'm not a child who can have happiness, but I still complain about God's injustice, why can't I have a carefree life like other children, enjoying simple happiness? I experience the struggle and helplessness they don't ......

　　Because of the pain, so desperately seeking relief. Because of the desperation, so without fear of degradation.

　　From meekness to rebellion, from indignation to depravity. The wounds lingering inside, for so many years only I know!

　The love of my family makes me go on strong after each injury!

　　In everyone's life, two people are closest to us and love us the most, from childhood to adulthood they are always taking care of us growing up, even when we do not understand them. They also pay their love for you without regret, fate treats me well, to give me such parents, I can do is to pay good respect to them. In fact, in my heart I always feel that I owe them too much, I am immersed in my world of sadness, and I always feel that I am unfortunate, and did not take the time to care for their families, but I do not want you! Now I still have this disease, silly me, I've burdened you guys too much over the years, I'm sorry. I remember once I felt that life was meaningless, I thought of ending, I felt that no one in the world was left to love me, no one was loving me, I did the first thing to say goodbye to my father, that day I sent a text message to my father. I clearly remember my father heard this and rushed to my front to guide me and comfort me! My father said, "If one day I lose my ability to work and cannot earn my living, he will support me for the rest of my life. When I heard these words, I was so moved that I couldn't speak, and the moment I was moved for life, large tears rolled down from the corners of my eyes, and I understood the meaning of the word "father". Thank you for everything you have done for me. I will cheer up, I understand how bumpy my life road will be, in this process even if I will encounter how much suffering setbacks, I will not be afraid, because my life is given to me by you, I will never forget the grace of your upbringing! I told myself, "No matter what I become in the future. If one day I am no longer able to work. I can't let them pay for me anymore. Because I owe you too much in this life!

　　I hope my future self

　　Wise! Confident! Strong! Mature! And preferably with a certain amount of wealth. Because filial piety is also based on the foundation of wealth. And what the family needs. No matter what. Try to give! Forget what should be forgotten, remember what should be remembered, change what can be changed, accept what cannot be changed, live a new self, face everything in life openly, and pursue the splendor that life should have! Ten years later, I hope I can grab what I want, every day I will be in the pursuit of hard, persistent. Perseverance!

Thanks for reading. I wish you a happy life. Happiness forever friends leave your words!