Distracted by the Surf

Early one morning while vacationing at the Outer Banks, Nicole and I wanted to walk on the pier to see the sun cresting over the ocean. After getting a few award winning shots, (you’ll probably get to see them on a postcard at the gas station soon) we started walking back to scour the sands for trinkets and treasure. In the hazy distance I saw a seagull pecking at a lump just at the edge of the surf.

I was still pretty sluggish, my eyes were not quite opened or focused yet because we only had time for one cup of coffee before the sun decided it was time to get up. I was planning on checking out the pier gift shop before my ADHD kicked in. I had grandiose hopes of finding something caffeine infused for purchase to help rev up all three of my cylinders, but the distant lump held my curiosity, even through my squinty-eyed (I don’t want to go to school today mommy) vision. I may need glasses...but I’m not ready to make that transition yet, I like the fuzzy edges everything has. Even things like snakes, spiders, and monsters look like cuddly stuffed animals. Ignorance is bliss I’ve heard people say.

As I’m staring at this washed up lump of fuzz on the distant beach, the gentle waves slide it around and give it a new perspective. I see glistening white, and what appears to be an upside down U. Now I have been a Discovery Channel nut before it was nothing but “Reality” TV. Meaning I watched all the nature documentaries, especially if it pertained to water. Thank my mom for charging my sense of wonder by watching Jaques Cousteau… So I know a shark when I see one.

Excitement charged through me, my fuzzy vision cleared (or maybe my imagination kicked into gear) I don’t need no more stinking coffee, I got an overdose of adrenaline racing through my veins. I run, and by run I mean I shuffled at a mean half a mile an hour to claim my territory before anyone else got to it. I zipped across the sands in my slip on shoes, chased off the gulls, snarled and barked like a rabid chihuahua at anyone who got too close to my precious. It was a shark! A real live...dead shark. The first one I actually got to see in the wild and I was fascinated. It was about 4 feet in length, definitely dead, but the most exciting attribute was the full mouth, several rows worth of glistening, perfectly white, razor sharp, shark teeth. I wasn't only going to get a souvenir, I was going to collect a gift shop's worth of shark teeth, plus I got the chance to further inspect a fascinating creature up close.

When I finally got close to the shark I could see it had been absolutely mangled by something bigger or meaner than it was. “See everybody, this is why I don’t go far into the sea!” I picked up a stick, poked it a few times and conducted a thorough CSI caliber investigation with my scientific instrument. I can’t release the details of my investigation and origin of death because this is an ongoing investigation. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty (I’m looking hard at you, you salty fisherman, with your fillet knife and big hooks).

Next, I tentatively pry open the mouth to get a close look at those teeth. But they have been retracted and look like my grandfather snarling at me without his false teeth in his mouth. As I open the mouth wider, the teeth start to show. They glisten like perfect pearls that would make all of Hollywood jealous with envy. I need to know his dentist, because these teeth are gorgeous! With heart racing like a popcorn machine I slowly reached in to snag one of the razor sharp chompers, but then an apocalyptic-sized, city-crushing, rogue wave crashed into me and the (maybe it’s not quite dead, and took some lessons from the opossum) shark carcass. The waves caused the muscular body to writhe and move like it has come back to life. I dropped the shark mouth like I got an electric shock, and swallowed a clearly non-masculine, horror movie scream before it escaped my lips. I also fought the urge to run home screaming for my mommy to hold me and make the bad shark go away.

Getting control of my fear once the quasi-life spasming shark ceased moving, I started again. This is where my imagination really went into overdrive and attempted to get the best of me. Apparently I don’t need much coffee to creep myself out. I started yanking on a small tooth. And my mind keeps telling me this thing is only faking. Nevermind the guts hanging out of it, or the nearly severed head, it’s only waiting for the chance to snip my fingers off at the knuckles.

I let go a few times thinking I saw it move, I won’t let this zombie shark get the jump on me! But what if it only nips you, my mind echoes, and you become a nasty, hybrid, zombie-shark thing? I get freaked out and step back for a second to assess the situation, remember, one cup of coffee. I’m not thinking well right now. I argue back at myself, I will not become the first ever Zombark?...Sharbie? Shut up and let me work!

I get back to the extraction, except I pull on a different tooth now. Everything I have ever read, seen on shark documentaries, or other tidbit information about these toothy fish claimed that shark teeth constantly fall out and get replaced. I’m here to tell you now, WE HAVE ALL BEEN LIED TO! Fall out my ass! These teeth are attached better than a starving dog holding onto his favorite bone. Pulling on its teeth was like pulling out a 2 tonne boulder from the ground. I wiggled, pulled, grunted, cursed, tried another and another, each time expecting this shark to suddenly chomp down on my little piggies when I looked up and saw at least 4 pairs of judging eyes peering down at me.

So entranced at my work, I didn’t notice the teens or preteens staring at me like I’m a freak show exhibit. They had their phones out. I have to wonder, am I going to be a TikTok star now. I can see the headline now, “Homeless, disheveled man attacking a dead shark. Is he hungry or just mental?” Slowly I collect what is left of my already missing dignity and shuffle away like I’ve seen shark carcasses all my life. “I was just going to try and save it, but I guess I was a little too late. If I was only here two minutes sooner…ahem. I’m going to go find my girlfriend. Ya’ll have fun with it.” I never got my shark teeth…

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