Cruise Ship Diaries Part 15

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, unless your a videographer on a cruise ship because it can be hell on earth!

So let me tell you why the Christmas sucks onboard!

- You were told not to say Merry Christmas, 'It's happy holidays folks!' as we cannot offend any other religions

- There are a million extra (while around 7) 'holiday' themed events on (as we still can't say Christmas), which massively increased our workload over the cruise

- The cruise is only 7 days long instead of our usual 12 days, so lets cram all those extra events into the same amount of days and add even more

- Xmas day will be a formal night, the photo departments most hated night

- And the worst thing is after all this extra work because its only a 7 day cruise no one buys the DVD, we went from selling in the hundreds on our usual run to barely selling 30 on the xmas cruise, so all that extra work is for nothing.

There was a few positives about the xmas cruise, namely we had younger more fun passengers onboard instead of our usual OAP-centric crowd. This led to everyone getting the talk about not fraternising with guests and how if you did, you could be accsued of rape, fired and locked away in Guatanomo Bay. However I did meet some great guests on that cruise who would keep trying to force more alcohol into me on the excursions ashore and would then ask me what tours they should do for the rest of the trip.

Fraternisation definately went on all the time but as someone higher up onboard told me 'you only get in trouble if you get caught!' One of the photogs had a girl following him around incesantly on the xmas cruise and we all took great pleasure in winding up so much he barely left his cabin for the rest of the cruise!

The cruise also took me to literal hell in the Cayman islands which bar some dark rocky volcanic vistas, its only real attraction was being able to send yourself a letter or postcard sent from hell. If I remember the cruise correctly we completely changed the ports on this cruise because of its shorter length, I think we went to only 3 ports - Grand Cayman, St Martin & Princess Cays which is a private island owned by the Carnival corporation where everything from the ship is taken ashore under a massive logistical effort and then taken back onboard a few hours later. I'm fairly certain this was also the last day of the cruise and we had some previously shot generic footage of the island that we could include as there was no time shoot, edit, master and burn on the day.

On a typical busy sea day (usally a formal night) the most shoots you would have as a videographer would be 3 or 4 at the most. You could have a Martini Demo, Bar Wars, Ice Carving and then Captains welome party / Champagne Waterfall, so two edits each and that would be the busiest you'd be.

Christmas eve was a port day ashore in St Marten where I had the day off (only because I was going to be screwed with events coming up) and a bunch of us just went to the beach and drank solidly for a few hours.

When I got back onboard and had a cold shower to sober me up it was straight to the atrium to film the ships company / guests singing xmas carols, I was still fairly drunk but it was an easy shoot as I was the 2nd camera wide shot so just staying awake was my main concern.

I went and slept it off for a few hours before the drinking started again before we headed down to Kats (our managers) cabin for a secret santa.

Quick side story Raj was still with us (somehow!) but was now on to his 5th roommate of the contract a young Macedonian guy called Angel, my Hot Fuzz jokes of calling him Angle fell on death ears and you could see the guy was still new to speaking English. Now if you are in the cabins tiny toilet you can open the lock from the outside by putting a coin in the little slot on the lock, Raj did this because he thought it was funny.

He did this a few times to Angel and then the 3rd time a bunch of us stood on the otherside of the door and made him think we had locked it from outside somehow. There was some banging, creative swearing and then eventually it went quiet, we left and said 'Angel, we'll see you down at Kats cabin, don't be late!' We left thinking he'd figure it out and be down shortly. it was only when Kat asked us where Angel was we realised he still might be in the bathroom and be ready to kill us about now.

Thankfully just as we were about to send out a search party Angel walked in and fair play to the guy he took it all in good humour.

Secret santa was great and most of us got more alcohol, then it was down to the crew bar for an epic xmas night party that I was told was a great night but I have a complete blank on.

After maybe a few hours sleep it was time for one of the worst days of contract, as junior videographer it falls to you to be the one along with the two most junior photographers to film / take pictures of all the kids and Santa in the atrium. This was scheduled to start at 8a.m and it finished at midday! Four fucking hours of screaming kids and a Santa who looked like he was going to vomit progressively more as the hours ticked on by.

Not to be a scrooge as it was cool for all the little kids who were geniunely exicted to see Santa as I didn't mind filming that, but it was when the parents then forced the older kids who had no interest at all to pose for a picture. Then all the adults wanted pictures and then just for shits and giggles all the other crew wanted pictures. The whole way through I felt sick and the thought of food turned my stomach and even Santa was on his last legs by midday. My last memory of the shoot was that they always had two of the dancers dress up as sexy elves and pose either side of Santa and the kid which is all fine and good, except the outfits they wore very high on the hips and no matter how you tried to frame it out it was impossible for the kids / santas eyeline to not by parallel with the dancers 'lower middle areas' shall we politely say!

There was still no time for food as after dumping the Santa/dancercrutch footage it was a stupid uniform change and off to open deck to film bar wars, finally I was able to grab a slice of pizza to regain some kind of consciousness for the day. After this it was down to another lounge to film a gingerbread house making competion that also went on a few hours, dump footage, change clothes and repeat! Finally around 4pm I had a bit of time to eat!!! Yes, first Christmas dinner on the ships unfortunately I had missed the time we could eat at the passenger buffet and I was stuck with the crew mess.

With many of the crew being from India & The Phillipines a lot of the food down there is tailored fairly enough for them, western food was acutally some cold chips, a rat burger and what was supposed to pass for a hot dog. This was the first time in my life I've ever had to work on xmas day and also the first time I'd never had a xmas dinner!

The only saving grace (as the bar was not open yet and fuck knows when I'd get there that night!) was the massive flagons of free and paintstripper style wine they had in the crew mess. As a xmas present from the company we'd all been given a $10 phone card and I'd been trying to ring home whenever I got the chance all day, but the line was always engaged.

Back to the video room, but in my fucking tux despite the fact I would not be going into a passenger area that night but there the rules! I had 3 edits lined up to go and I'd been told my priority was the drunk santa / dancercrutch atrium hell shoot from that morning, going by the proviso that once the parents see there kids on the DVD they'll have to buy it. This meant putting in every single fucking kid from a 4 hour shoot! Admittedely once I'd edited it down the video was the same music looping over and over and the Champagne Waterfall technique of 10 kids from a close up shot, then 10 kids from a mide shot and then intercut them so at least the footage cuts together.

Around midnight I'd finally finished the horror shoot from the morning and had to wait an hour or so for it to export before then (the reason I had to be in my tux!) run around the ship and update the DVD's with the new shoot, despite it no longer being the same day and therefore no longer formal night. I said fuck it and went and got changed, I headed down to the crew bar to see a great party in full swing but I still had two more edits to do and it had already gone midnight. I filled my bag up with beers and headed back to watch paint dry. well a video export.

The worst thing about being a videographer sometimes especially on a day like Christmas Day is that you are there to film everyone else having a good time all day, I was so busy shooting and editing I barely had a conversation with anyone all day as work was so full on. Then just to rub salt in the wound in the evening when the crew finally got a chance to let their hair down I still had to work my arse off and pull an all nighter just to we could stick to schdule.

'Its A Wonderful Life' is the quintessential Christmas film although until the last few minutes it is also one of the most depressing films ever about a suicidal man who is trapped in his hometown who wants to through himself off a bridge on Christmas eve!

The highlight of my day was sitting in an almost empty theatre (which just below my office) with my backpack full of beer, watching one of the most depressing films ever while I was waiting to go back to work while the rest of the crew partied until they passed out.

I finally finished my 3rd edit around 5a.m, after working close to a 20 hour day and I saw the incredlous looks from the barely conscious photogs as I made it back to the corridor in a zombie like state, 'holy shit your still working?' they said, I just nodded and collapsed into my bunk.

I'd have much better Christmas's onboard in the following years but my first on the Coral truly sucked and made me want to be home with my friends and family more than anything.

On the next cruise ship diaries - The New Years Cruise!