Collision course Work-place

Recently I have been doing a lot of personal growth. Which often means conquering myself and all the flaws that come with that…

It took a painfully long time; I really didn’t want to own it…because of pride, security, fear… The list goes on forever. Lol

Learning how much I was responsible to myself in that, was really difficult to accept at first, because I had to also accept the fact that I may have been the cause of my own suffering.

What?! Me? How could that be?! What did I do wrong?

But here’s the thing… once I got around myself and my silly brain, I was able to look at my world, much more objectively than I used to.

(Which is amazing because I am a ‘sky-is-falling’ anxiety ridden mess of fear induced panic and also suffer from severe impostor syndrome)

SO, what does this have to do with the workplace?

I have been working in my place for a few years now, and there was a lot of behavior in this space that I noticed to be unproductive. However, I had no real way to address it, and any efforts made in hopes of progress, seemed to fall often on deaf ears. I blamed myself more than I needed to as a result of this failure in progress.

As a fear based individual, my unrealistic fears of confrontation meant that I became much more willing to compromise myself and my needs, in order to avoid a ‘Problem’. While I didn’t realize it at the time… I was setting myself up for an abusive relationship.

Most people have to work in placed they dislike or have to do things that maybe make them a little uncomfortable at times. I’m not saying, “tolerate everything because jobs suck” NOR am I saying “throw in the towel every bad day you have” … my point is that FIGURING OUT YOUR BOUNDARIES in this kind of environment, is the important part. If you don’t know how to set these boundaries, you might end up paying for it much later.

so I do need to clarify.

I played my role in this by allowing the people in my work-space think that it was OK to treat me the way that they did.

I didn’t set my boundaries.

Letting anyone treat you like you are less than them is not appropriate.

The bad part?

When I started to make sense of myself, and my situation… the damage was already done. The animals got through the fence, while I was learning how on earth to build a fence! And I had no idea I was in the middle of a full-blown drama-llama with a heavy-duty Narcissist.

*Note: please review Narcissist Abuse thoroughly before being accusatory in any fashion. There are many kinds of personality disorders we're face in the modern day. This is about understanding YOURSELF, not blaming other people.

This type of abuse also changes and varies based on the relationship, but the long story short is that it is an unhealthy form of manipulation that is rooted in passive aggressive behavior. Often this may result in a victim, not even being aware of the attack, or only being made aware of an attack when the narcissist has planned for it to be so. A Good metaphor for this kind of attack is the “death by a thousand cuts” …

In my situation, it was like watching a bad low-budget version of “mean girls” where the ‘queen bee’ type character was my general manager, and all her little minions were our colleagues. (some didn't even realize they were participating)

*Sadly, there are lots of workplaces that run on this kind of abuse-based hierarchy. whoever kisses a** the best is in their good graces, while the people who refuse to fall in line are an open target.

It was only little things at first, but they built up over time. Standard bullying and poking. When you try to address it, they would say “oh, lighten up, it’s not that big of deal” … naturally making me out to be the ‘crazy one’ in this scenario.

Changing client appointments at random. Double bookings resulting in angry clients. Moving things in my schedule without me knowing. Placing clients during time that was scheduled as off time, or set aside to catch up on client projects. Deleting emails, so that I had to restart client projects from scratch, or contact the client because their folio was “misplaced”...Going through my office space and moving or removing things so that I couldn’t find them.… all attempts to make me look like I was bad at my job, and make me look like I couldn't handle it, while all I was trying to do was get on with my freaking day!

The problem I have with all of this, is when this behavior gets in the way of productivity. That affects the company, everyone starts losing money and no one can get ahead of the workload with that kind of unnecessary behavior.

If your self-interests get in the way of your ability to be professional, you shouldn't be there...You should, if nothing else, be subject to probation until you get your act together. Or you should be subject to termination of your behavior continues to disrupt workflow and hinder the productivity of others.

*I wouldn’t expect anything less for myself. I would hope that I would be self-aware enough to never let it get that far, but if I was getting in the way of good work, I would expect to be held accountable for my actions.

How do you conquer this behavior as an individual?

(this is what worked for me, don’t treat it as iron clad, just give it a try if you want to)

1.Examine yourself first: If you need to, make a list or keep a journal. write everything down that you can. Whatever you need in order to help you become more self-aware. This will hopefully help you separate what you have done, and whatever they have done. If you need time to cool off, because you are angry or upset, take that time for yourself, before attempting to move forward.

This is basic understanding of cause and effect. It can help you identify patterns in their behaviors, as well as note what actions are yours, and what actions are theirs in order to improve your personal discernment.

2.Separate the person from the behavior: After examining yourself, you should be able to make a list of things that this person may have done that hurt you, or you felt they had treated you wrong. If you can, try to imagine that it is just a faceless individual, a stranger, and re-examine the incidents.

If after looking at it in this way you aren’t OK with the behavior itself, then the behavior isn’t OK at all. (I would say this applies to all abusive relationships, because we let the person itself affect how we let them treat us. Which leads those types of people to believe they are allowed because 'they are above'... this behavior is easy to see with celebrities, or people who have a lot of money and think they can buy their way out of bad behavior. Their entitlement creates the hierarchy)

***The goal with this exercise is equalization. You are a person, they are a person, nothing else.

3.Address them on the issue: I have a hard time doing face to face stuff, so I will often write a letter in private, and then we will go over the letter together in person.

This way I can clarify any misunderstandings, if something in the letter doesn’t make sense, and I don’t allow them the chance to interrupt me, or trip me up, so I forget what I have to say. Often times in this situation, they will point out a long list of everything you did wrong. (This is another reason why keeping that journal is important. If you tracked the incident, or can have dates and times when they happened you can re-examine it, or address it. This is best for work base practices, intimate relationships may not go will in this manor).

Another thing to watch out for is the backlash. They will be upset that you were paying such close attention to things they thought weren't so obvious and attack with comments like, "God, what are you, like, Obsessed with me?"... it's common.

4.Know when to walk away: Sometimes you might not be able to reach a healthy sense of compromise (by healthy I mean that there is equality in the change, you don't have to give up any more of yourself in order to get along. you've done that enough).

Sadly, sometimes they just aren’t interested in trying to change. You are allowed decide when enough is enough.

I always recommend that if you can attempt to be responsible with your timing, especially if you have kids, or this affects big parts of your life financially.

At the end of the day, if this isn’t working, and you have done everything you can to try and make it better… Know that it’s OK to move on from it and say goodbye.

It Will Get Better

There is one part of this I forgot to mention. Being away from that environment, feels amazing. When you are out of that place, where you are being constantly chipped away at… it just feels so good to be free of it.

I’m in the process of moving on, but I have made a commitment to my clients… so I have to tolerate some things I dislike a little while longer.

You should never have to feel like inappropriate behavior is OK in any setting. Even if you feel like you’re risking everything. You owe it to yourself to be concerned for your well-being. (To be honest, it is probably why I want to try harder to become a better writer)

Just don’t let people think they have power over you. They don’t own you.