Bruce Springsteen and a Tangerine

Who doesn't want a little extra cash? After I had hit a point where I felt like my job was becoming mundane and too much of a routine, I went looking for a part time job. I had recently moved to St. George, Utah. A mostly quite town full of retirees and snow birds (someone who escapes the colds of winter to live in the desert between the months of November and February). St. George is also a culture full of Mormon religion, so for the most part everyone in town has a kind disposition.

I have worked most of my life as a server, but I also work in the theater. My education is in theatrical direction and I love being around people to help them in anyway that I can. Not sure what was going to be the best avenue I looked into driving for Lyft and Uber. My car is a hybrid so it gets pretty decent gas millage, so I joined the working forces of ride share.

I am happy to say that my first month of driving I had a pretty decent time. In a community that is mellow, I met a lot of really great people and was more than glad to help them from point A to B. I enjoyed the freedom of driving my own car, playing DJ in the car is a favorite pass time of mine, and as a server I had little bags of chips, gum, and water in my car. For the most part I was a 5 star driver for both companies.

What began as a delight driving passengers around a quaint town ended in tragedy.

One lovely Sunday afternoon around 1:30 p.m. I had both driver apps logged on. I received a ride request on Uber. I closed my Lyft app, as to not get an overlapping request, and set on my way to pick up my new rider. The name that appeared on the screen was Bruce. As I am pulling up to my destination I was waiting for a gentleman to hop into my backseat. Upon arrival I saw two middle aged women sitting on the street corner smoking cigarettes. Per protocol to picking up riders I rolled down both my front windows and asked for Bruce. The response I got was not one I expected.

"Are you Uber?" asked the heavier set woman with her smoke in hand. "I am," I replied, "Are you with Bruce?"

"Fuck no! Do I look like Bruce? That asshole ordered Uber for me so I can get my drunk ass home. Get out of the car and have a cigarette with me."

"I don't smoke, but thanks for the offer. I'll wait for you to finish yours then we'll get on our way."

"Whatever," she replies.

Now for those of you who don't know, when you keep your driver waiting, both ride share apps charge you for the wait time. I have no problem waiting because I am sitting in my car doing nothing and getting paid for it. After this woman finished her cigarette she then made her way to the car dragging this other woman with her.

"Hey, you! Do you see this woman right here? She's a saint! She's my AA sponsor and I love her to death. She's blind as a bat, but she's the best. I've had 3 beers and 2 shots of whiskey, and she doesn't give a fuck and neither do I!" She then broke out into a cackle that I imagined would have come out of a Disney villain's body who smokes 3 packs a day. I never was nervous having anyone in my car I didn't know, but today was an exception.

After this woman struggled to get the door open, then stumbled into my car I swiped the app left, received the destination, and we were on our way. The drop off point was only 10 minutes away so I knew I wouldn't have to endure this woman for long.

"Who the fuck are you?" she asked. Now I normally and a collected individual but for this ride I had to take a different approach.

"I'm Trent... who the fuck are you?" She then villain cackled some more.

"I'm Liz, and I like you Trent. You got balls and I like that. You got to have big balls or big tits to survive in this world and I have both, so what are you gonna do about it?"

I am going to get this extremely intoxicated woman to her destination as quick as possible so I don't end up on the news later tonight. She then went on about how she loves being in jail, fighting with lawyers, and pulling money from her trust fund. She was crass and rude for most the trip. She then suddenly yelled at the stop of her lungs.

"BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN!"

"Excuse me?"

"Play Bruce Springsteen! 'Born in the USA' motherfucker! Pull up the song now. DO IT!!"

I opened my Spotify and pulled up the song. With out even asking (are you surprised?) she cranked the volume in my car as high as it can go. It nearly burst my eardrums and my speakers. She then began yelling the lyrics of the song as loud as she could in my car. This is the least amount of control I've ever felt in my car, but I knew dealing with someone this drunk would only get worse if I fought her on it.

While Bruce was saranading us she then took out a bottle of tropical smelling lotion and began to apply it to her hands. She then squirted lotion on my forearm. Not just a little bit... but form wrist to elbow.

"What are you doing? Don't do that!" I exclaimed. With her gravel filled laugh she then began to rub the lotion all over me, her, and my car. And I mean all over. My arms, face, hands, car, seat, dashboard, EVERYWHERE!! I told her that if she didn't stop I was pulling the car over and she would walk the rest of the way. With her evil laugh she put her lotion away.

By this point my driver app said we were 1 minute away from her drop-off. Thank God. I was so in shock that I didn't know how to react to this situation. Do I call the cops? Is this something I can press charges for? Who does this on a beautiful afternoon on the lord's day?

We pulled up the house, and I asked her to please step out of my car. I informed her that I was going to be contacting Bruce (the ride request, not Springsteen) to let him know what happened and that I'd never be picking her up again.

"Well, fuck you then. I don't give a shit! Do you think I care? I was going to give you a tip, but I don't have any cash anyway."

"That's fine with me, just get out of my car."

"I do have this though." She pulled out a tangerine and held it in her lotioned up digits. "Here you go!" As she said this she she balled her fist up, tangerine in hand, and slammed both of them into my testicles. This was so unexpected (but not really now looking back at it) that my breath was taken away and that instant shock of pain went through me. She then cackled some more, and all of a sudden had the speed of a gazelle and was out of my car.

It took me a minute to process what had just taken place in my car. This is supposed to be a place that I feel safe. It's my space and property and this psychopath of a woman just violated that. Needless to say I made 3 separate phone calls after that.

The first was to Uber Bruce. I explained everything and he didn't seem to care as much as crazy lady did... two peas in a pod. The second was to Uber. I let them know what went down and I got in the end was $20 for a cleaning fee charged to Bruce. I'll tell you what, no matter how much I cleaned that car it took over a month for the smell of that lotion to come out. The third phone call was to the police, ultimately nothing was done on their end.

I haven't turned on my driver apps since this day.