The thoughts just keep racing through my head. I find myself in a deep daydream, and my mind is up in the air. The sky is bright, and the clouds are glowing from the sun. I can feel the heat against the window during midflight. The man next to me, is sitting reading the newspaper, and sipping on his coffee. I can smell the smoke off his coat, from him probably walking through a cloud of cigar smoke. I am staring out the window, just looking out into the clouds, contemplating everything that has ever happened in my life. There is still 3 hours left in the air til we land, and I'm sitting here wondering why everything that has happened in my life happened. This flight is not just to my travel destination, but a flight inside my head. As I gaze out the window, I'm looking and wondering how a cloud becomes a cloud, and how the sky is so blue today. Wondering why I do the things I do, and why I cannot stop the feelings? The flight was long, and all I could do was think. Why do I feel like I am always not enough for people? Am I worthy of love? Am I worth anything? Am I really just a useless person? A waste of space and air? This wasn't just any ordinary flight, it was a flight and a fight with my mind.
Why am I constantly over thinking? I'm clinching my hands against the seats arm rest. Sitting here wondering why I am dissecting every situation or things that happen. Why can't I just be open with my feelings? Why do I feel like I have to pretend to be okay, when really am not? Do people really notice that I am not okay, or do I mask it well enough where no one notices at all.
I look over to the man sitting next to me, and he gives me this look, the look of what are you exactly thinking of right now. I sit with my airpods in, and just listen to the beat of the music. Do you ever just sit and get lost in the music? Why is it when I get lost in the music, my mind wanders deeply. What if the person I've been telling all my feelings to, doesn't really want to hear them? Am I just being paranoid? I honestly don't really know.
The plane begins to experience turbalence, much like my life feels like most of the time. The never ending battles with my head, will I ever defeat it? Will I ever truly be happy? Or will I forever feel like I don't deserve anything in the world? I constantly think of life would be like If i stayed in the marriage for the kids. I constantly think of what I could of done differently. I am trying to figure out why I constantly push people away. I am wondering why I am so impulsive, and why everyone keeps telling me I am so selfish. Am I really what everyone is saying I am? No one can hurt me, because I hurt myself the most every single day with my thoughts. Maybe I'm just insecure, or never really felt like anyone has actually cared about me?
Would anyone really notice if I just disappeared? The seatbelt light just came on, and we are getting ready to land. This flight was just not a flight to my travel destination, but a flight through my mind, and spirit. Will I ever feel normal? Will I ever be happy? Or will this mental health keep on breaking me, and make me finally crack one day.
About the Creator
Jen Moutinho
Single Mom. Recently divorced. Just trying to survive every day life. Struggles with Mental Illness and trying to navigate life
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Dear Janelle:
Dear Janelle, I'm beginning to wonder about life, and everything. Like what is the purpose of it? Why do I constantly feel like I'm battling my brain every single day. Why am I overthinking? I don't even know anymore. I'm having a hard time falling in love. After being in a relationship for over 10 years, and married for 3 years of it, I feel like I lost hope in feeling love again. My heart was torn, and broken over and over again. The constant emotional and mental abuse with his temper which he still denies til this day. I might be afraid of falling for someone again, or maybe I'm just not ready to be in love. I constantly feel emotional, and upset. I feel like I shouldn't ever get attached. You were the only one that stayed when things got bad, and didn't run away. I appreciate that. But i'm constantly questioning everything that happens in life. This probably makes absolutely no sense what so ever, I'm just trying to get my feelings down onto paper and maybe I can figure out what I am actually thinking. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder if I'm good enough to be your friend. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I am just a selfish person. I'm tired of constantly being told that I will never amount to anything, and that my "Mental Illness" will forever prevent me from being a normal person. What is a normal person? I didn't ask for a mental illness, I didn't ask for depression, I didn't ask for Body Image problems, and everything in between. What I am asking for is a proper diagnosis, not just what family just say what I have and assume thats that. I feel like I am trapped in this life, and have to let others control my feelings, and control the way I react. Why Am I so scared to tell someone when I am really upset with them? Why can't I just not feel at all?
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Comments (1)
Thank you. Brings memories of a flight I was on, with tears running down my cheeks all the way as I realized what I was flying back to. I didn't leave right away, but I did time.Best decision I have ever made!!! Hope yours is too.