Being an Immigrant: Worth the Risk

This morning, I was talking to my mom over the phone. She is in India. She told me that it has been two years since I moved to Canada. Well, I didn’t care much. I sometimes try to be cool about these kinds of things, that maybe it makes me look mature or over-mature. That’s just a perception of mine that doesn’t make any sense. After talking to my mom, I hung up. I didn’t realize at that time, but she had opened a door to a new topic for my overthinking, which was scheduled for bedtime. I was lying in bed, but I couldn’t sleep. My mind just wouldn’t shut up. I wrapped myself around with blanket after some time, I felt like I was in a microwave, so I unwrapped myself immediately. This was one of those evenings, when you try to fall asleep, but your mind just won’t shut up. This time, I was talking to myself about how I ended up being in the bed of a nice room in against house of a small town in a big country, Canda, all the way from a small village in a poor country, India.

I’ve always been a risk taker. I enjoy the thrill of the unknown, new experiences of life. It might sound weird, but I always opt for the choices which require struggle, and a great deal of mental stress. The excitement of pushing my limits, and adrenaline rush of stepping out of my comfort zone always sounds appealing to me. I am not talking about adventurous physical activities, like mountaineering or hiking. But the ones that challenge the capacity of your mind in order to handle trauma, your emotional state and make you ready to face the world.

From the very beginning, I never liked medical studies. I always found it uninteresting, and it always sounded complicated. Despite all these reasons, I prepared for medical school, on my own. My school teachers were caught up in a long-going strike against management at that time. Not to brag, but I studied very hard for a whole year and passed my exams with appreciable grades. Moving on, in summer of 2020, I passed English proficiency test, again without coaching. It's not like I belong to a rich family, and I can get away with any kind of risk I take. Sometimes when I think about it, I find myself stuck in a cyclone of all the challenges, like, maybe I am continuously trying to prove myself, maybe I want to be better than everyone else, or maybe I want to do something different, all the time. I don’t know where this courage comes from. We always take risks, as Mark Manson described in his book, ‘Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k’ that we are always making choices, even though we are not aware of it. We, as humans are never certain about anything. We can be ‘close-to-being-certain' but not completely certain. In that case, we are always taking risks in choosing one option over the other.

I landed in Canada in April 2021. I did not know anyone, but somehow, one of my cousins had a rental room for me in Ontario. My cousin was in Winnipeg at that time. Imagine a 21-year-old girl who never stepped out of her house, now lives alone, all by herself in a different place, among different people, living a different lifestyle and in a different environment. It was, and is, scary. That’s why I keep emphasizing the independence of girls in my home country, which still seems like a concern to me. I made some good friends during my school life in Ontario. I finished my two-year diploma last year. Now, I had to make another decision, whether I should follow my passion or be practical and do what's best for me. For immigrants getting Permanent Residence in Canada is generally next step after finishing study. My friends told me that I should stay with them and do something about my permanent residence, while I wanted to do my field job, which won’t have helped me with PR at all. Still, I did what I wanted and not what I needed. So, I left my family for Canada. And then, in winter of 2021, I left my friends for my job and moved to a small town in northern Ontario from a big city. It was a big change. I didn’t drive, and the bus service in this town was horrible. The winter here was way harsher than I had experienced before. First, new job, new people and no friends. It made me feel alone. On top of it, my boyfriend and I had just broken up. I was not only alone, but also lonely this time. Just when you need someone the most, and that’s when that one person gives up on you. I often think that exactly what pushes me to get out of my bed every day. I wonder if anyone would ever know that I haven’t been eating well these days. My parents call me every day, but I don’t tell them everything. So, who do I tell everything to? To myself. Yes, I am the one who keeps fighting with myself, that maybe there is something bigger than this laziness and unmotivated state of my mind to not get out of the bed, maybe there are bigger achievements waiting for me across the road that requires me to take care of myself every single day. So far, it's all going well. Finally, I am beginning to realize that what people mean, when they say happiness and peace comes from within. When there was nowhere else to go and no one else to go to, I was left with no choice but to look within myself. I believe it is working, I believe that a ‘positive approach’ towards life is necessity. We can’t keep questioning each and everything happening around us. So, at one point, we get tired. Then we start accepting and acceptance starts from building up a positive point of view to look at a situation. I often think that maybe if I had never chosen to take risks and do something out of box, then I would have ended up compromising with a lot of my life choices. I am glad I did what I wanted, my life experiences are teaching me a lot of lessons. These lessons are worth it, as long as you remember them and implement them in future.

I am hearing someone yelling on the streets. It's late at night, after 12. They say write your thoughts when you start feeling anxious or overthinking. Indeed, it's working. My brain feels tired and sleepy. It's time for a good night's sleep. I am done with my overthinking today.