Backstage

Everyone has their life figured out except for me.

This is a thought I have often, especially as I continue to see my peers earn higher level degrees, find jobs in their desired fields, and achieve their dreams in various industries. I, on the other hand, have yet to find my calling.

Going through college, I was under the impression that my future held a job related to math. I worked toward a Bachelor's in Mathematics because math is something that I was always good at. It is also where the money is found, I was often told (and still am, whenever anyone finds out about my degree). All in all, a pretty sweet deal.

But by the time I was enrolled in a Master's program for Statistics, I was beginning to realize that as much as I enjoyed math, I didn't want to be stuck with it for the rest of my life. Still though, I was already there. I just had to stick it out, succeed in getting a Master's, and then maybe reconsider if I didn't truly enjoy a statistics-centered career.

In an alternate reality, that is what would have happened. But I existed in the reality where I was trapped in a new state with no familiar faces, and where my mental health took a turn and became the worst it had ever been. Despite my best efforts, this made it nearly impossible to be successful in my program, which, in retrospect, I was only in because I thought it was my only option at the time. Even the handful of wonderful friends I had managed to find couldn't make up for the lack of relationships I was desiring at the time, the difficulty I was facing retaining information in classes I had to force myself to attend, and the utter, overall sense of uncertainty and failure overwhelming me.

So I dropped out. And I was back to square one, living once again with my parents and not knowing what my future held for me.

After several months of job hunting, applying to anything I felt qualified enough for that could help me save money to move out and consider another attempt at graduate school, I received a job offer as a Test Administrator. It was a position I applied to on a whim, when I decided I might as well try to apply for jobs related to things I have done in the past that I found some enjoyment in. I had proctored exams several times in college before, and I greatly enjoyed it, so I figured being a Test Administrator could be a nice temporary job.

It has now been two years since I first started this job, and I still enjoy it to this day. My managers have been extremely helpful and kind, and my other coworkers have made and continue to make the job enjoyable. Not only do I see these familiar faces every day, but I can see up to a hundred and fifty strangers - though typically anywhere from forty to one hundred. The majority of these people, all of whom are coming to take very important, stressful exams, are very grateful and kind. Even the limited interactions I have with them help me feel sociable and helpful everyday, an integral part of why this job is one I look forward to.

As a Test Administrator, I am part of the larger picture when it comes to people succeeding and becoming a vital part of working society. We help people through the process of taking the exams required to get into medical school and business school. We help people take the exams needed to become lawyers and teachers and social workers and secret service agents and professionals at large, well-known companies. We help people become a part of and maintain their positions in the medical field, with specialties in countless areas, by being present and enabling these milestones to be offered.

So many people work hard everyday to work toward what they love and what they have chosen to dedicate their careers to. There are countless opportunities available, and while I explore them and work on recognizing how to achieve my own passions, I have chosen to help those who are a bit further on in their career journeys - ranging from new adults just beginning their path to older people who have decided to try something new.

Seeing the faces of people going for their goals - no matter what stage of life they are in - helps me recognize that I have time to figure out my life. I don't have to have my entire life mapped out right now, and I'm not a failure for not. I can take the needed time necessary to decide, and if I end up choosing the wrong path, there's room to shift and try again.

And until then, I can find a sense of purpose with the work I'm doing as a Test Administrator. While there are candidates taking the exams that are understandably stressed and choose to take it out on the Test Administrators, and there are always a few that decide to risk consequences - which can be as trivial as a reminder of the rules to as serious as legal measures being made - it is still largely an enjoyable job.

Maintaining the integrity of the exams we provide, thus making sure only those who are truly qualified are able to become certified, is one large part of what I do, but focusing on the positive interactions is another. It warms my heart every time I see tears of joy when someone learns that they have successfully passed their exam. I'm inspired every time I see faces I recognize returning to reach again for their goal, determined to become certified even if it takes more than one try. With every "Thank you" and smile, I am reminded that I am doing something worthwhile. I have realized that helping others succeed is a way to be successful.

Just last year, I quickly learned that Test Administrators are helping in another significant way when the dreadful Covid-19 virus hit. In a time of tribulation, with a deadly pandemic quickly spreading across the world, it was imperative that we had essential workers in the frontline, bravely risking their own lives to ease the pain and suffering of others. Doctors, surgeons, nurses, EMTs, firefighters, grocery store workers, custodial associates...and me.

Of course, I am not putting myself on the same level as a doctor when it comes to risk factors or general importance during a deadly virus, but I, too, was called in as an essential worker during quarantine. Our test centers remained open to provide the qualifying exams needed for registered nurses, practical nurses, paramedics, and EMTs - vital essential workers. We needed brave people willing to jump into these crucial jobs during such a turbulent time more than ever, and that could only be done if they were properly certified through our test center.

While the existence of such a deadly virus, causing the world to temporarily shut down, is fortunately an uncommon occurrence, working during this period of time in particular has taught me to be grateful for my job. In a time when the unemployment rate is so high, and yet every business I see needs employees more than ever, not only am I fortunate enough to have a job at all, I'm lucky to have a job where I can assist others be able to have access to more and greater job opportunities.

Especially in the professional sphere, certification and qualifying exams are integral to the continuation of working society. And for me, it is important for me to feel like I have a sense of purpose. Though what it is to me will continue to change as I grow and change, right now my goal is to assist in the administering and proctoring of these exams. With every single person I am able to help, a countless number of lives are affected as well. I've always been one to prefer being in the background, never on stage, and having such a big influence just by doing what seems to be a simple job on the surface is my purpose.

So do I have my life figured out now? No. But I feel confident that I'm on the right track, helping others succeed in achieving their dreams while I work to find my own.