Angry, well not really

I am angry. Not at the world or anyone particular, well maybe my parents but no more than any other Gen Z'er. I am angry with myself. I feel as if I have so much inside of me. I have so much to offer the world but I havent found a way to creatively express myself yet. I see other people my age or maybe a little older living their lives and seemingly doing well but then theres me, feeling stuck, occasionally confused and seasonly depressed. I feel like a world class race car revving their engine just as they are about to go take off, going 0-100 mph in 3 seconds, I stall. I am distracted by the latest internet video, or tiktok trend. I am stuck in a cycle between waking up , going to work, and then going to sleep because im too drained at the end of the day. I am angry about struggling with mental illness and I am angry about where I am in life which, if im being honest, isnt really as far as I'd like. I am 26 living at home with my mom after graduating college. I just felt as if I would be doing so much more at this point in my life. Sure, if you ask my therapist she'll give you a schpeel about how I should give myself grace and how ive been overcoming a lot of generational trauma, blah blah blah. I am angry because I know she is right and i am doing a good thing by taking the time to heal but I am impatient. I want to be done already. I want to be the version of myself who has chosen the loving people to surround myself with, those who are supportive of my ideas and welcome my presence. I want to be the version of me who has an idea and pursues it because he wants to, no longer seeking external validation in such a crippling way that the smallest criticism would stop him. I want to stop wishing someone else would swoop in and save me. I am angry at every passing day because I know its just one more day I didn't work towards learning and growing and changing my life. And the scary thing is, - yeah I know you arent suppose to start a sentence with and but honestly who cares, i am pissed right now. - And you know the scary thing is that I know that I am the only one who can change things for me. I have been surrounded my entire life with complacency and it scares the crap out of me because I know if I dont light a fire under my but now, I could wake up 60 years from now wondering where all the time went.. I am angry because I have been plagued with an ambitious spirit, an aloof mind and lazy body. I am angry because I know I deserve better but neglect to give myself better. I am angry because I was never shown love. Because thats the answer when you really break it down right? Sure I can recognize I am not where I want to be but love myself for all of the progress I have made, recognizing the momentum from the small everyday things, then going on to use that momentum to do more little but great things. Yeah I know. I am just angry that I have to heal alone. I am angry that I am healing in the environment that hurt me. I am angry that I went from a shut down, emotionally avoidant person, numb to the pain, to someone who has to feel all of the pain. I am angry that I feel all of the pain of being neglected and abandon at such a young age by my father. I am angry that I grew up with an emotionally neglectful mother. I am angry that I let the influence of their pain influence my mind and dictate my life for this long.