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Allergies: Under 'S' For 'See Allergies'

by Diane Randle about a year ago in humor

How PARIS is Forever Ruined For Me Goddammit To Hell

Photo by Florian Wehde on Unsplash

Who ARE the people who design software programs? It is a mystery but I believe I know the answer to who designed the software for the Community Health program known as PARIS. And, which has forever ruined that name for me or any desire to visit what is purported to be the most beautiful city in the world. City of Light? My ass. City of Perpetual Pain PTSD.

PARIS is used by Alberta Health Services in Canada (the province of Ontario rejected it but we bought it because if Ontario doesn’t like it, it must be good) and was developed in the UK to apparently stick its tongue out at France. Developed in the UK I am CERTAIN by Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

No, there are no Silly Walks in PARIS. You can take a Silly Walk in Paris I am sure but the only Silly in PARIS are the myriad dropdown menus containing the most heinous and diabolical categorizations ever devised by a demented and evil group of software developers who surely rubbed their clawed hands together and cackled in delight over each and every non-sequitor they conjured while lightening and thunder filled the sky over their secret island hideaway.

Unsuspecting users may have first felt their hearts sink to their feet on looking up what I first searched for in a PARIS drop down menu: an Alert for Allergies. An Alert, obviously, ALERTS staff to potential risk to patient or staff. Allergies are a formidable risk as they can range from an itchy patch of scaly skin to throat closing, life-threatening anaphylaxis. And so it is important, this Alert to allergies.

My first time to insert an Allergy Alert into PARIS sent a shiver down my spine and a cold wet mitten forming in the gut warning of horrors to come.

I clicked the drop down menu expecting to find ‘Allergies’ at the top of the Alert Drop Down Menu. I could see all of the ‘A’s in the first click; astonishingly ‘Allergies’ was not in the A’s.

My brain said, ‘Impossible. Look again. You’ve missed it.’ I looked again. I didn’t miss it because you cannot miss something that is not there.

I began to scroll down wondering what on the blue green Earth one could have listed ‘Allergies’ under if not A. Or B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R…YES! It is under ‘S’ for ‘SEE ALLERGIES’.

‘This is a joke.’ My brain said. ‘Take a sip of coffee, look away from the screen, and then look again because this cannot POSSIBLY be.’

Oh, it be.

It be and it was only the beginning of an adventure with the alphabet like one I have never seen before.

‘Falls’. People fall. It is important to know that people can fall. Falling is a major risk to the elderly and the infirm. F? F you say is the logical answer to where you would find an Alert for Falls? Well, let me tell you, Mr. Spock did not, regrettably, have anything to do with the development of PARIS.

No. Falls was not under F. Or G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, ahhhh! Here it is!

FALLS is under T! OF COURSE! It makes perfect sense if you’re a demented, diabolic, deviant because Falls is under ‘T’ for ‘TENDANCY to fall.’

That’s right.

Pets in the home? An alert for pets? Under ‘P’? No? How about we try ‘C’ for Cat? Nope. ‘D’ for Dog? Na ah. Let’s try, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M — ah ha!

M. Well, at least we didn’t have to go so far down the alphabet this time. Yes, the pet alert was under ‘M’ for ‘MAY BE pets in the home’.

WHO designed this? Now, Monty Python was my original guess because it was a sort of funny turn in the way that the Argument Room and Dead Parrots et al were funny in the most absurd of ways.

But, Monty Python was never this EVIL. I don’t know which British people were responsible for this misery.

I only know they are rich and lounging on a yacht anchored off the French Rivera drinking Bordeaux and killing themselves laughing over the chaos they have wrought using the name of their favourite nemesis’ capital city. AND, they are living the high life in that very country they have mocked so richly.

Don’t even get me started on the PARIS Diagnostic Codes List.

Just don’t.

Diane Randle
Diane Randle
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