A letter to my younger self

Dear me,

Its me, you. I just wanted to write you and say that I love you. I know it's been a while since you heard it. And I am so proud of you. I know you are doing the best you can right now with what you got. You are so strong. I know you feel like the world is caving in around you and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know you feel like there is no place for you on this plane of existence and that the world would be a better place without you in it. But I am here to tell you that that is just not true.

Without you, we wouldn't have been able to do all that we have done! You have accomplished so much and will continue to accomplish so much more. Without your pain, we wouldn't be able to empathize with those who need help. Without your trauma, we wouldn't have the drive to persevere. Without your spirit and emotions, we wouldn't be able to thrive under pressure. And without your love, we wouldn't be able to find those who love and care for us.

I know that you are going through so much more than you should be right now. I know that life is being unkind to you right now. Not only are you having to care for yourself, but also mom, dad, and the rest of your family. You're skating a fine line of caring too little and caring too much; Of having so many emotions and having none at all. I know that you are so damn tired. But we can't see the beauty of flowers without the sting of the rain. I promise, one day, the sun will shine. And when that day comes, I promise, you will blossom. And your beauty will radiate and touch the lives of so many others.

I don't think I thank you enough. We had to love ourself when no one else would even look at us. We had to fight a losing battle of gaining understanding about why we are the way that we are. We had to cry ourself to sleep countless nights and forced ourself to get out of bed in the morning hoping to just fade into oblivion. We tried to take our own life and then had to live with the disappointment of failing even that. But, my darling, in the end, you become more than enough.

I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through these things and that you are feeling utterly hopeless. It fucking sucks that this is happening and your feelings about everything are righteous. No one is able to tell you otherwise. But, I fully believe that without this life experience and all that you've gone through and are going through, we wouldn't be here.

We wouldn't be dancing. We wouldn't be in school. We wouldn't have passions and hobbies. We wouldn't have boundaries or confidence. We wouldn't be in a loving relationship with a loving human. We wouldn't be embracing our true nature.

I used to hold a lot of resentment towards you. For that I am so, so sorry. I used to think that your side of us was a weakness when in reality, you are the strongest version of us I have ever known. You are one of the strongest PEOPLE I have ever known. And I am so grateful for you.

You've shouldered so much on your own when you shouldn't have needed to and you took everything in stride. You're not a hateful, isolated, antisocial person. You just needed nurturing. And I am so SO proud of you. I am proud of your beautiful soul, your love for the underdogs, your strength, your pain and most importantly, the fact that YOU put in the work to get healthy for YOU. For that, you are braver than I will ever be. Without that, without your first step, we wouldn't be alive and thriving and radiating positivity. I am so grateful and proud that you and I will forever be a part of each other.

I hope this shows you that there is indeed a rainbow after the rain. Sometimes the only way out of the fire is through it and you are doing it so well. I only wish I could have sent you this sooner. I love you so much. I will never take you for granted again. Thank you, me.

With my whole heart,

Your future self.