50 Jokes

50 Jokes

1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

2. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

3. What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

4. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

5. Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

6. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

7. A bear walks into a restaurant and says, “I want a grilled… cheese.” The waiter says “Why the big pause?”

The bear replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”

8. What do you call bears with no ears?

B.

9. Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

10. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

11. How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

12. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

13. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?

A chew-chew train.

14. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

15. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

16. What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

17. Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

18. Why doesn’t the sun go to college?

Because it has a million degrees!

19. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

20. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

21. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

22. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?

They’re both red except for the green one.

23. I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

24. How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

25. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

26. An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they told me.

27. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

28. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

29. What’s red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator

30. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

31. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent!

32. Can February march?

No, but April may.

33. How did the blonde die ice fishing?

She was hit by the zamboni.

34. What did one traffic light say to the other?

Stop looking at me, I’m changing!

35. How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

36. Knock Knock.

Who’s There?

To.

To Who?

It’s To Whom.

37. What’s a pirates favorite letter?

You think it’s R but it be the C.

38. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines.

39. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!

40. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

41. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

42. I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

43. Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

44. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

45. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

46. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

47. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

48. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

49. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve

50. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

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