21 Truths Being a Work-From-Home Dad of a Toddler

Deciding to become a work-from-home freelancer is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Becoming a dad is another one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

Doing them both at the same time?

Let’s just say that it’s been instructional. Here are 21 truths I’ve come to accept:

1. You find yourself asking The Toddler “did you poop?” followed soon after by “did you poop again?” Oftentimes this is at the copy store or post office.

2. You prefer freelance jobs based in distant time zones so when you schedule phone calls or Skype meetings, your chances are improved that The Toddler is fast asleep and not likely to spit up on you in front of a client.

3. You have become super adept at doing 70% of your work on a smartphone thanks to various cloud platforms and child lock apps. The other parents in the doctor’s waiting room have no idea. They think you’re playing Words With Friends.

4. Speaking of smartphones, you learn how to child-lock it fast once you become the parent of The Toddler. There’s no way you’re ever again going to pay $119.99 for a year-long subscription to a Romanian language-learning service.

5. Your freelance business-related social media accounts still feature dad-posts and pictures of The Toddler. That okay, though. You aren’t the only one in your freelancer feeds doing so.

6. The Toddler learns the phrase “Good job!” and likes to repeat it back to you. You just wish he didn’t sound so patronizing.

7. The constant picking up and putting away of toys only to see them strewn about the living room five minutes later reminds you a lot of why you ditched the traditional workforce.

8. Laundry priorities: Wife’s work clothes, The Toddler’s clothes, bedding, towels, wife’s casual clothes, The Toddler’s clothes again, my clothes.

9. Every phone call features the Mickey’s Clubhouse song in the background.

10. Silence is not golden. It’s is suspicious. Very, very suspicious.

11. You are never not annoyed at the insultingly low bar expected of work-from-home dads when out in public.

12. Many productivity gurus suggest beginning the day with ten to twenty minutes of quiet meditation. You find this hilarious. Just the same, you've life-hacked a solution by doing your meditation during your five minutes of uninterrupted “daddy time” on the toilet. It counts.

13. Hope you like Elmo. Ha, ha! You don’t have a choice.

14. Once upon a time, you were known as a near-gourmet level cook who regularly prepared balanced meals lovingly prepared because your wife works hard outside the home and you have more flexibility in your schedule. Nowadays...can you prepare this in five minutes or less and throw it in the oven for long enough to allow for a little more work to get done? What do you mean The Toddler won’t eat chicken nuggets anymore? They were his favorite yesterday!

15. Yes, the Nordic Track was often used to hang laundry, but it was still accessible enough to use once a week. After a recent decluttering you’ve rediscovered it again. Judging from the strata of old baby clothes and blankets, you determine that it hasn’t seen daylight in two years and three months.

16. Pitter-patter of little feet? How about stomping, jumping, and roaring of a pint-sized wannabe T-Rex? Thank God he’s not a biter.

17. When in doubt, the animal always roars.

18. There is nothing more alluring to a three-year-old than the glowing power button of a laptop.

19. Everything The Toddler does is genius. You’ve got an honest-to-goodness super-smart kid and you’re lucky to be spending an hour combing peas out of his hair.

20. You secure your laptop as well as you can while you go for a quick coffee refill, but still find yourself returning to the room to find The Toddler has found the laptop, opened it, turned it on, accessed your Google Docs, and ghbennnuytJACKWASHEREbvhjss…

21. Just when you think you’ve finished, there’s always one more thing...