You Received a Voicemail from Paul (work)

voicemail transcript from Paul (work)

04/23/2026, 8:23 PM, Duration: 5:12

Hi Tamara, this is Paul Connard calling. It's currently 8:30 PM on Thursday, April 23rd. My number is… Well, you can probably see it. I wanted to call to apologize for what happened today with the microwave. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but my old job was fully remote. Not that that’s an excuse, but being in office, especially with someone young like yourself... Well, I guess it has all been a new experience for me.

Anyway, I know that people are already referring to it as the kitchen incident in the group chat, which is why I wanted to call you directly. I don’t want this to become a thing, and the group chat moves so fast. To clarify, that fire emoji was a mistake. I tried to remove it when I realized what I’d done, but then it turned into a thumbs-up. Maybe just stop sending those memes? That dog one is cute, but it’s not funny. Everything was fine.

What’s that, honey? No, I’m on the phone with someone from work! Yes, the fried shrimp for dinner sounds fine, thanks. Sorry, my wife is preparing dinner... Not that I expect her to do that! Um, I guess I should also address what happened earlier this week. It’s obviously not your responsibility to clean the dishes, Tamara. That was… Well, I’d seen you do yours, so I guess I assumed, and well, you know what happens when you assume… I mean, never mind. You just cleaned them really well, and I’m hopeless with that stuff.

I can’t hear you very well! Let me finish up this call, and I’ll come help with dinner... Yes, I will! I’ll be there in a moment, Dianne! Where was I? Right, circling back to the point of this call. The incident today. I shouldn’t have assumed you were ignoring me in the kitchen. I was right in front of you, so it seemed odd you weren’t answering me… Grabbing your earbud was a last resort.

While I’m on the topic, I did hear some of what was playing when I held it to my ear. Not that it’s any of my business, but that was some really inappropriate language being used in your book. Men are being held to a certain standard in the office, but not in fantasy land, I guess.

Of course, what was most shocking was Kavita yelling at me. I was helping you, really, because the volume was far too loud, especially if someone can potentially overhear those stories… Well, as you saw, I was really startled by Kavita. Then I thought she was going to grab me! I probably would’ve been seen as in the wrong.

Turns out she was reaching for that enormous water bottle of hers on the counter… But I swear, I wasn’t acting maliciously when I started the microwave! Kavita was yelling, I wanted to move out of arm's reach, and we only have so much time for lunch… I was trying to multitask! I dropped your earbud in my food because technology these days is so tiny! I didn’t even notice it wasn’t in my hand anymore. At first, when the microwave started making that noise, I thought, wow, what did Dianne put in my food? Ha! No, honey, not talking about you! Yes, I’ll come help soon...

Who knew something could spark and melt at the same time? Too bad that water bottle was empty. I knew there wasn’t much we could do, though, and Alex was already calling 911. I’m glad I was able to direct you all to safety. Nobody seemed to even know what a muster point was! When we’re back in office, I’ll print some clear directions and tape them by the door, plus a new sign for the microwave. We want to prevent fires as well as funny smells in the future.

voicemail_04232026.mp3

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