When I'm wrong

Sonia! Sonia! Sonia, I’m so glad we bumped into each other! Phew, sorry, bit out of breath. I thought you weren’t going to hear me there, not sure I would have had it in me to chase you across the car park! Oh look at that. Have you seen the price of these melons? Crumbs, everything is getting so expensive now, isn’t it. Oh! You picked up the two for one strawberries too! Snap! I mean, actually, I just came in for some bits for a lunch tomorrow. David’s cousin, Nancy – you remember Nancy? You met her once, at my 50th? Big hair? Anyway, Nancy is coming over with her lot, you know. One of them’s a vegan. A vegan! I’m thinking of doing maybe a quiche, you know. Roast chicken, all the veg, and a quiche for the vegans. Anyway, that’s by the by, I am so glad I caught you, I have been just in bits. In bits! I mean, I didn’t realise at the time, of course, why would I, I mean, I can’t be expected to know everything, can I, but you see, I think it may have been my fault. You know. The thing. The thing that happened with Andy.

Sorry, I know, probably not the time or place, but… Let me whisper in your ear – oh, darling, that’s such a distinctive perfume, what is it? – yes, the you know what. Andy’s little incident. On the plane. Ooh, that scent has stayed with me. I’m going to be smelling that one all day I think. Anyway. Best to whisper it, don’t you think. Some things are best kept private! No, so, I heard from David’s sister Marcia, who is friends with Colleens daughter Amy - you know Amy? With the tattoo? Well Amy is engaged to Dylan, who, as you know, is Archie’s best friend, and obviously Archie was actually there. Well, of course you know Archie was there, he’s your son! I’m so sorry. It must have been awful. And having all those people know! So embarrassing! But the thing is, I think I may have had the teeniest little whoopsie you see. Now, I remember, because we were in the dairy aisle, right over there – how funny! We must stop meeting like this! – but we were in the dairy aisle, because I was getting yoghurt for David’s breakfasts – he was on that healthy eating kick, do you remember? Oh it’s all gone to pieces now. He lost nine pounds, then we went on that mini-cruise and he put it all back on again in one weekend, I swear to God. Where was I?

The dairy aisle. Yes. So, we were in the dairy aisle and THAT’S when you told me that Andy was coeliac. And I wasn’t going to come to the party, was I, because it was late notice and I had that pre-existing commitment with the girls from work, but then you said come, and I thought well, why not, it’s been a while, and I’d not seen your kitchen since you had it re-done, had I, and so I thought, yes, why not? And I’d seen the recipe for this wonderful dairy free cake, you see, in Good Housekeeping, and you know what I’m like. Never come to a party empty handed. It’s just the way I was raised Sonia. Just the way I was raised. Anyway, so I thought that would be perfect for Andy, didn’t I? And I’m so sorry, but I think there may have been something Andy shouldn’t eat in that cake. I mean, we can’t be certain, can we, there was all sorts at that party. Did you taste Sheila’s chicken? I wonder if it had been sat out a bit long. You just can’t leave chicken out on a hot day, can you? But there’s a teeny weeny chance it might have been the cake.

No, no, don’t try to make me feel better, when I am wrong I am wrong and I say so. There’s a slim chance it could have been the cake, and I want you and Andy to know that if it was the cake then I am very sorry. I mean, what happened. You know. On the plane. Oh my word. I would have been mortified! I heard the smell was horrendous! No wonder they had to make an emergency landing! Marcia said that Amy told her that Archie said that several passengers were unwell and one of the air hostesses actually passed out! I told David that that simply wasn’t true of course, and I don’t find it funny to make fun of someone because of a disability. My niece, for example, she’s a homosexual and what I always say is she is as welcome as anyone else in my home as long as she takes her shoes off. Marcia thought it was probably a little over dramatic, the ambulance and so on, but I suppose you were glad not to have to queue up at passport control, weren't you?

Anyway, I wont keep you, but I’ve been hoping to bump into you and you’ve not been to Sing and Supper for, well, since before your holiday I don’t think? Is it before your holiday? Oh I imagine that was a terrible disappointment, ending up in Cologne when you were all packed for Santorini. I thought it was appalling, I really did. When Marcia told me they wouldn’t just let you move the start date to when Andy was better, I had a mind to get on the phone to the travel company myself. If they forced him off the plane in Cologne, they should pick him up again, I say. Its not everyday your daughter gets married is it? He should have at least been there for the holiday part. Bit of sunshine and fresh air does wonders for the immune system, I always say. Oh, Marcia said that Amy told her that Archie was so scared of walking Lucy down the aisle that he rang Dylan on the Friday evening in absolute tears! Then, afterwards, apparently he rang Dylan back, Archie that is, and Archie was so drunk Dylan could barely understand a word he was saying, but it sounded like he’d made a complete mess of the speech and now Lucy and Mark are not speaking! That, I would say, is poor preparation. I know he’s your son, but if he had just put some thought into that speech in advance he might have saved a whole lot of bother. You can’t just wing a Father-of-the-bride speech right there on the spot, can you. Brother-of-the-bride, I suppose. In this instance. And Archie, falling off the wagon like that? Well it just goes to show, doesn’t it. My Frankie has never had any problems with alcohol.

Anyway, I must let you go. Look at us, gossiping away amidst the fruit like a couple of old fishwives. Ha! Well. You know me, if there’s one thing I can’t be doing with its gossip. Speaking of, though, did you hear that Sheila left her husband? I only mention it because Lucy’s name has come up, and I didn’t know if you knew. I would want to know is all, if it was my daughter. Apparently there had been a bit of a carry on? At the party? You know, just before you went away? Well, it’s none of my business, of course, but I just thought you should know what people are saying. Apparently Dylan said that Archie feels just terrible, because of course it was his fault that Mark found out. And to think, if that silly airline had just let you and Andy fly a day earlier with Archie and Lucy and Mark, all of that could have been averted! I bet he had a splendid father-of-the-bride speech prepared, Andy is so good with words, isn’t he. You’d never know he was coeliac.

Look, I’ve got to dash, but it was so good to catch up, we must get coffee some time. I’m sure you’ve got some wonderful tales from Cologne, I’m just longing to hear all about it. It's such a beautiful city. Did you go to the cathedral? Maybe you and Andy could come over for a lunch one day? Ring me, ok? Any time, we’ll put it in the diary. And listen, don’t worry at all about the Tupperware. Amy told Marcia what happened to it, and I hope you just threw that pot away, I would have done. I don’t blame Andy one little bit, anyone would have done the same in that situation. Sometimes you have to use what you have to hand as best you can. You must absolutely think no more of it, I will not have you even think about replacing it. No! Stop! Stop it! I can practically see you imagining it now. I wouldn’t even accept it if you did.

Right. Eggs. Do you think spring onion or bacon? David does like a bacon quiche.