The Perks of Being a Fat Girl

In a world that's already overcrowded, I can't help but take up space. Yes, its me; the person you don't want to sit next to on the bus, the one who wedges in airplane seats, the 'aye go on I'll have a bit of cake' woman that your brothers avoid and your grandma warned you not to turn into. And you know what? It's not all bad.

"But what about your health!"

I hear the phantom cry of the pseudo-concerned masses who really would just rather not look at my ass in a swimsuit until its three sizes smaller. And to them I say... don't worry about it.

Fat is a spectrum (and somewhat of a speculum, because people are prone to using it to pry you open for interrogation), and with ironically light-footed fleetness I've managed to fall into it at every stage of life. In the 00's when Heroin Chic Skinny was still holding on by its talons and there was no such word as thicc I was a size 12 to 14. Positively humongous. In the 2010s when festival booty shorts were a must my arse always did its best to overflow.

And then friends and neighbours, my body said 'bet' (did I use that right, kids?). It said hold my beer and came down with a howling case of PCOS and Hypothyroidism that taught me, and my already critical ex -

- sorry-

What fat really was.

Now don't go feeling bad for me here; its the funniest thing, you see, because while I'm working out and eating less and moving more and boogying down to chubby status I'm kind of sad to see the heft go. There's an easy confidence that comes with knowing you're too heavy to kidnap. I mean, shit, if someone took the fancy they'd need a wheelbarrow to move me far.

So like an evangelist I'm here to tell any of you that are worried about life after skinny that its not all bad. Here's the rub;

You Too Can Give the Tate Brothers Nightmares!

All you have to do is be marginally overweight, granularly empathetic, mildly independent and, for bonus points, a little mentally ill; trust me, it works every time. I've never had to grapple with a 'high value male' unless they're patiently explaining to my small, female brain that I could be somewhat passable to them if I dropped a few stone.

I know, I know, you can imagine my heartbreak.

I've always wanted to be passable.

The Dancefloor is Yours!

If you have the body of Dionysus and the audacity to have enough confidence to dance, you'll find men cringe away in the clubs like fat is contagious... and lo and behold you can shake your oversized rump without worrying about a Wes Craven lookalike with a penchant for knockoff designer gear (wink wink to the Scots who know there's more than one kind of gear) having a seizure as he tries to imitate Caribbean Dancehall moves with all the rhythm and grace of a water buffalo behind you.

Hell, you might even find yourself a coven of smaller women who want to dance in your shadow because everyone knows 'the fridge guards the snacks'.

Bounce Back Like a Pro!

I mean this in the most literal sense; you have no idea how hard it is to break a bone with this much padding. It's really quite remarkable.

Hell, I float like a dream too thanks to the 'Girls'.

Be Everyone's Favourite Teddy Bear

There's one fact thats undeniable and its this; there's no hug more comforting than the one you get from a fat girl. Soft, warm, and generally dependable. I've become quite fond of the frequency with which I hear the words

"you give great hugs"

Not to be snotty about it, but you're damn right I do; I put a lot of cake into making this Squishmallow consistency. Im built for comfort, not speed, you feel me? (No, seriously, give me a squeeze; I'm like a comfort blanket).

Can't Have FOMO if You Refuse to Miss Out

That lunch you should have skipped, the party that wasn't a great idea, the snack that was one too many; we don't miss them. We savour them and for all the disapproving glances and 'oh I could never eat like that/dress like that/wouldn't you just DIE' mutters there's a spark of joy in living at full throttle.

So, will I work out today? Yes.

Am I whittling the excess down? Yes.

But there are perks to being a fat girl - and I reckon im going to miss them.