The Instructions Said…

“Hi, Ralph, would you happen to be free this afternoon? I’m out by the lake and need a ride home.”

“Sure, Ollie, I can give you a ride. The game isn’t until late this afternoon, which will give me plenty of time to get to the lake and back. You can come watch it at my place if you want.”

“That’s mighty kind of you, Ralph, but I think the rest of my day is going to be tied up. Just a ride will be fine.”

“Okay, just a ride it is, then. What part of the lake are you at, and how did you get there if I need to give you a ride home?”

“Oh, I drove here this morning, but the pickup isn’t running right now. I’d rather not bother Martha for a ride. She has her ladies’ bridge club, and you know how these women are when their plans get interrupted.”

“I sure do! I thought Mildred and I were going to get a divorce just because I interfered with her book club and asked her to fix me a sandwich. Would have done it myself, but I was right in the middle of watching the game. It took her a month to get over it. From now on, I’ll use Grubhub. So, what’s wrong with your truck?”

“The spark plugs got wet and I think the electrical system shorted out. With all the money I spend on this piece of crap, you’d think they would have at least made it waterproof. From now on I’m only buying products made in the good old USA. Nope, no more Japanese junk for me, Ollie, that’s for sure.”

“Glad to know you’ve finally seen the light, brother. If it ain’t a Ford, then it better be a Chevy or I’m not buying it. Do I need to bring my rain gear with me, Ollie? It’s not raining here, but it must be pouring at the lake if your truck is that wet. Maybe I should bring you some dry clothes too?”

“That’s mighty kind of you, Ralph, but no need for fresh clothes. It’s sunny here too. Nope, all I’ll need is a ride.”

“Too bad you don’t have your new boat with you. Then you could have cruised around the lake until I got there. Maybe done a little fishing while you were at it.”

“Well, Ralph, my new boat is a big part of the problem, a real big part.”

“Okay, now you have my interest peaked. It’s a brand-new boat that’s never been in the water. How can it be a problem?”

“Maybe I said that wrong. There is nothing wrong with the boat. The problem is with these damn instructions.”

“Do you mean the instructions about how to operate the boat?”

“No, Ralph, the stupid instructions explaining how I’m supposed to launch the boat into the water.”

“Okay, Ollie, I’m confused. You need to start from the beginning and explain what happened.”

“It’s all very simple. Today was the perfect day to take my new boat out for its maiden voyage, or so I thought. I pulled up onto the boat ramp parking lot, spread the boat launch instructions over the steering wheel, and carefully looked them over. I’m always careful about following instructions to the letter. Next, I swung the trailer around and pointed the back end down the ramp. So far, so good! I’m really good at backing up trailers, so this was the simple part.

The instructions said to back the trailer into the water until the boat gently floats off it. I began backing and backing, but the boat never floated. The further down the ramp I went, the lower into the water the boat went. As the boat filled to the top, the added water weight caused my truck tires to lose traction on the slippery concrete. By the time I shifted out of reverse, the motor died and I had to bail out.”

“Wow, Ollie, that’s quite the tale. I only have one question—did you unstrap the boat from the trailer?”

“No, there was nothing in the instructions about that.”

“I’ll be there in about an hour, Ollie. You should be dry by then.