ComedicTiming

Laugh Lines
50 Positive One-Liner Jokes (Laugh Lines) 1. I told my computer I needed a break — now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads. 2. I would tell a joke about pizza… but it’s a little cheesy. 3. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.” 4. Parallel lines have so much in common… it’s a shame they’ll never meet. 5. My dog loves classical music… he’s really into Barkhym. 6. I tried to catch fog yesterday… I mist. 7. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity — it’s impossible to put down! 8. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. 9. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know y. 10. I asked the gym trainer if I could do crunches while lying down… he said yes, on the couch. 11. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. 12. I told a joke about a roof… it went over everyone’s head. 13. I got a reversible jacket for Christmas… I can’t wait to see how it turns out. 14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me. 15. I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. 16. I don’t trust stairs… they’re always up to something. 17. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer… I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day. 18. I’m on a seafood diet… I see food, and I eat it. 19. I told my plants a joke… now they’re rooting for me. 20. I asked the elevator if it wanted to tell a joke… it said it couldn’t handle the ups and downs. 21. I accidentally drank invisible ink… now I can’t see the point. 22. I tried to write a joke about time… but I kept wasting it. 23. Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems. 24. I told my fridge a joke… it didn’t laugh, but the ice cracked. 25. I got kicked out of the calendar store… all I did was take a day off. 26. I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. 27. I tried to start a hide-and-seek club… but it never caught on. 28. I’m reading a book on teleportation… it’s bound to get me somewhere. 29. I told a joke to the wall… it’s still standing, but I think it’s laughing inside. 30. I was going to tell a joke about elevators… but it had its ups and downs. 31. I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament… but good players are hard to find. 32. I bought some camo pants… but I can’t find them now. 33. I wanted to tell a joke about a broken pencil… but it had no point. 34. I made a belt out of watches… it’s a waist of time. 35. I started a band called 1023MB… we haven’t got a gig yet. 36. I put my phone in airplane mode… but it’s still on the couch. 37. I told my pillow a joke… now it’s stuffed with laughter. 38. I wanted to tell a joke about construction… but I’m still working on it. 39. I asked the clock out on a date… it said it didn’t have the time. 40. I tried to make a pun about electricity… but it was too shocking. 41. I told my shoes a joke… now they’re walking around laughing. 42. I got a job at a mirror factory… I can see myself working there forever. 43. I wanted to be a magician… but I couldn’t make my bills disappear. 44. I tried to read a book on teleportation… I didn’t get very far. 45. I made a belt out of watches… it’s a waist of time. 46. I told a joke to my notebook… it’s still writing itself down. 47. I’m friends with all electricians… we have current connections. 48. I told my chair a joke… now it’s falling apart laughing. 49. I tried to catch a squirrel… it was nuts! 50. I wanted to be a baker… but I couldn’t make enough dough. --- Do you want me to do that next?
By Muhammad Saad 9 months ago in Humor
I Got Legal Advice From a Bowl of Soup
“Honey, come look at this!” I called, trying to sound like something important was happening. She glanced over my shoulder and gave me a look that clearly said, “You’re wasting my time.” “Ooo. Take a picture. Call the press,” she said with fake enthusiasm. I frowned. “I’m serious. What are the odds?” “Of what? A grown man eating alphabet soup for lunch?” “First of all, it’s vegetable soup. Only sounds childish if you call it alphabet soup,” I defended myself. She shrugged, uninterested. “I’m going to finish my sandwich.” And with that, she walked away. I turned back to my lunch. Floating in the broth, perfectly aligned in capital letters, was the word: HEAR. I stared at it. The universe, apparently, had a sense of humor. I knew it was probably just a coincidence. Maybe someone else had soup spellings like ARE, EAR, HARE… or, if the cosmos really hated me, RAH. But I couldn’t ignore it. The writer in me refused. There was something about that word, floating there like a tiny, edible message. And if it was a message, it came with irony. My hearing isn’t great. Years of working in industrial environments had left me with ears that needed subtitles. Friends, family, and my wife knew this, and most conversations with them involved them speaking louder or repeating themselves. Hearing anything subtle would be a challenge. Still, I had a Zoom meeting in less than ten minutes. Online meetings are my least favorite part of life. You log in, wait, and somehow end up staring at your own blinking face while someone mumbles something important you can’t quite catch. But I was determined to try. I finished my soup, dumping the bowl in the dishwasher—because I value my life—and mentally noted to pay attention. If the universe was trying to tell me something, I wasn’t going to let it slide. Logging into Zoom, I confirmed the meeting was private and that only the publisher’s agent was attending. I’m never a fan of these video calls. Screens, faces, multiple windows—it’s a chaos that my brain doesn’t handle well. Eventually, a notification popped up: Rudy has joined the chat. Moments later, Rudy appeared on the screen. He didn’t notice me immediately, still focused on talking into his phone. I could only hear fragments of his conversation. “Kinda high, I guess, yeah…” “…sells well for us…” “…sixth book…” “No, I won’t tell him you’re listening.” I raised an eyebrow. Clearly, he was talking about me. “Hi, Rudy,” I said calmly. He nearly dropped his phone. “Oh! Doc! Uh, sorry, just… talking to my wife.” “Oh, hi! Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lopez!” Panic flashed across his face. “She had to go back to work, but I’ll say hi for you! By the way, Mr. Fielding asked me to discuss your retainer. It’s… a little higher than normal.” I smiled. “Interesting. Speaking of wives… hold on one second.” I raised my voice toward the dining room. “Hey, babe? Come in here for a sec!” A few moments later, my wife appeared behind me. Hands resting casually on my shoulders, she smiled at the camera like she knew exactly what was about to happen. “Rudy, and Mr. Fielding,” I said, turning slightly, “meet my wife. She’s also my attorney. She drafted every contract I sign, including the one you agreed to before my retainer was deposited. I thought you might want to meet the other half of my team.” Her hand squeezed my shoulder lightly. That subtle gesture was all the confirmation I needed. She got the message. “Now, what were you saying?” I asked, still smiling. “I’m all ears.” Rudy stammered for a second, clearly overwhelmed. The meeting wrapped up very quickly after that. I leaned back in my chair, letting out a quiet laugh. All from a bowl of alphabet soup. Who knew that one simple word could change the course of a lunch hour? The rest of the day went smoothly. Dinner, a movie, and the usual end-of-day banter followed. But I kept thinking about the soup. HEAR. Sometimes, the universe has a funny way of delivering messages. Sometimes it’s a bowl of pasta. Sometimes it’s a simple glance from your spouse that says, “I’ve got your back.” And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s both at the same time. I love that woman. And I love that, for one small, perfect moment, alphabet soup became the most important meeting of the day.
By Luna Vani10 months ago in Humor
The Miss Gloria Hour with Special Guest: Doctor Prismatone
Gloria’s Room “Debbie! I can’t find my glasses. Come help me.” Debbie runs into Gloria’s room. “What’s going on, Gloria? Where did you last see them?”
By Rick Henry Christopher 10 months ago in Humor
The Miss Gloria Hour with Guest: Ziggy. Top Story - November 2025.
The Board Meeting “I have one last comment before this meeting adjourns,” Jason Pooper said. “Gloria, the glamorous makeup without your glasses received very low ratings. Put your glasses back on. People want your classic look.”
By Rick Henry Christopher 11 months ago in Humor
The Miss Gloria Hour with Rick Henry Christopher
Running Late “Debbie, Paolo will be here any minute. I’m running late. Can you help me pack my bag?” “Oh yes, I’ll be right there!”
By Rick Henry Christopher 11 months ago in Humor
The Miss Gloria Hour: With Guest Supermodel Davania
The Board Meeting Heading a staff meeting, Trixie greeted the team gathered in the boardroom. “Good morning, team! Jason, always a pleasure. Gloria, radiant as ever. Rafael, thanks for not ghosting us. And Karla, welcome back to the circus.”
By Rick Henry Christopher 11 months ago in Humor
Why You Never Insult A Midget. Content Warning.
At a young age, I was never really one to filter my words. Whatever came to my mind, I just spat out without a care in the world. On one day during my 7th grade year in middle school, I had the chance encounter of meeting the smallest kid in my class. She was a midget, and certainly wasn't afraid of standing up for herself despite her small stature. During our school lunch hour, when everyone was standing in line to obtain their daily munchies, she stood behind me. She tapped my side and asked me if I would allow her to Chinese Cut in front of me. Now at that time, lunch was a dangerous time and nobody wanted to ever give up their spot. To her I said, "No way you short, fat midget". I turned around and just waited for the lunch line to move. Unbeknownst to me, I had lit a fire that should have never been lit and I got burned with it. The pain came right from my rump and it hurt like heck. I looked back with a quick turn of my head and saw her, literally biting my rear end with all her might.
By Toby Heward11 months ago in Humor
Animated Jokes: Bringing Laughter to Life
Animation isn’t just about cartoons and movies—it’s a whole world of imagination, creativity, and, yes, laughter! Animated jokes are a playful way to combine humor with the colorful, exaggerated world of animation. Whether you’re a fan of classic cartoons, modern animated films, or even animated memes, there’s something magical about jokes that bring animated characters and scenarios to life. In this blog post, we’ll dive into the world of animated jokes, explore why they’re so popular, how to use them, and share a bunch of funny examples to brighten your day.
By JokeJester11 months ago in Humor
The Dilemma Some People Have with Parking
Although we like to dish it out, true-blue Aussies are not too good at taking it. Some sites will warn you about what not to say to Aussies. For example, don’t say “put another shrimp on the barbie.” Also, don’t tell an Aussie that they are flip-flops or that Vegemite is gross. In this fair country, we have prawns on the barbie, not shrimp. Thongs may make a flip-flop sound, but you wouldn’t call a car a "brum-brum," would you?
By Calvin London12 months ago in Humor
The Last Lightkeeper
The storm had arrived without warning. Winds howled like ancient spirits, slamming into the old lighthouse with relentless fury. Rain lashed against the windows, turning the world outside into a blurred mess of grey, white, and black. Somewhere out in the dark, the sea churned like a beast stirred from slumber.
By Alexander Mind12 months ago in Humor
Miss Gloria v. Jason Pooper
Miss Gloria v. Mr. Pooper “Hello, Miss Cupidon. Please take a seat here. I’ll let Jason Pooper know that you’re here.” “Jason Pooper? Oh no. I refuse to work with that man.”
By Rick Henry Christopher 12 months ago in Humor
The Great Grocery Store Disaster
They say adulthood is just realizing no one actually knows what they’re doing—and last Saturday, I became living proof of that.
By Lena Vale12 months ago in Humor