I Am at Least as Effective at Delivering Parcels as Evri

My inbox is awash with spam emails offering me clothes of all different shapes and sizes. There are times when I wonder whether the internet knows me at all. For example, I have never once shown even a passing interest in a pair of leather flares, I do not need an illuminated bomber jacket (yet), and I already own more shoes than I know what to do with.

I am, however, well aware of the fact I currently reside in the middle of a midlife fashion crisis, and one email took my fancy, offering me a shirt/trouser combo that I convinced myself I’d look good in. This is because I will look good in them. I followed the link, ended up on a very cheap clothing website (you know the one), and paid a whole £14.94 for the two items. My excitement over the discount was compounded by the guarantee of three-day delivery. Three days! I’ll be fashionable by Friday!

That excitement was short lived, when everyone’s favourite delivery company decided that my delivery would not be three days, but ten.

“Not a problem!” I proclaimed, “I shall be fashionable NEXT weekend instead!”

You can probably guess where this is going.

The tenth day rolled round, my fresh coat hangers were out ready to go, and I sat perched on my doorstep anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new identity.

Three days passed. I have no shirt. I have no trousers.

The particularly confusing thing was that, according to Evri, my parcel had already been “in transit” since 19th August, six whole days before the clothing website itself seemed to think it was.

This was excellent news.

I wasn’t just going to be fashionable by Friday. I was going to be fashionable EARLY.

On the third day, things got even more exciting. The tracking changed to “out for delivery”.

This was it.

Somewhere out there, a man in a van had my shirt. He had my trousers. He had, without knowing it, the final pieces of my new midlife identity sitting somewhere between somebody’s air fryer and a box of dog food.

I waited. Nothing. The clothing company blamed Evri. Evri blamed the clothing company, because of course it was their fault. Then, after several conversations, it turned out my parcel wasn’t actually “out for delivery” at all. It was in a warehouse somewhere, currently untraceable. A lovely lady who I’m not entirely sure wasn’t AI told me that she was awfully sorry that I hadn’t received my parcel, and it’d be sorted quickly. Then that changed to ‘it’s not actually left the depot’. It was lovely to hear my parcel seemed to have had more of a summer holiday than I did, and that it had returned to the depot for a rest. They just weren’t entirely sure where in the depot it had gone. This felt like quite an important detail to have missed.

Then they couldn’t find it. Again.

Then there was no update.

Then it was on its way again.

Then it wasn’t.

Eventually I received an email telling me that my parcel had been delayed, apologising for the inconvenience, and explaining that unfortunately they were unable to tell me when it might actually arrive. Two hours later, almost as if Evri didn’t have a clue what was going on, the parcel arrived.

I’m not convinced what Evri provide can legally be described as “tracking”. Tracking normally involves knowing where something is.

What they appear to offer instead is a series of increasingly imaginative suggestions.

“We’ve got it.”

“It’s on the way.”

“It’s out for delivery.”

“It’s in a warehouse.”

“We’re not sure which warehouse.”

“We can’t find it.”

“It’s delayed.”

“It’s at your house.”

At various points my parcel had simultaneously been in transit, out for delivery, missing, delayed and sitting somewhere in a warehouse. Schrödinger would have had a field day.

This has, however, led me to an important realisation… I am at least as effective at delivering parcels as Evri. Possibly more so. Over the month of August, Evri successfully delivered none of my parcels.

I also delivered no parcels.

So at this stage we are neck and neck.

However, I did personally drop off a birthday card and it arrived exactly when I said it would. Which means that, based on the available evidence, I am actually the more reliable delivery service.

I await their job offer.