Facebook Vaudeville

Author's Introduction: The following dialogue is very loosely based on the true struggle that I have had with Facebook over the last week or so trying to get back into my Facebook after it got hacked and, subsequently, locked. Spoiler alert: it still has not been resolved.

Facebook: Hello, valued consumer, how may I help you?

Me: My account has been locked due to suspicious activity. I think it might have been hacked.

Facebook: Have you tried logging in?

Me: Yes. You said that you locked it due to suspicious activity.

Facebook: Oh, that’s an easy fix! Just follow the instructions and you should be able to access your account again in no time.

Me: I tried. The only email address that you offered to send the code to no longer exists. I think that the hacker changed my account so that my primary email was no longer on the account. Is there anything else I can try?

Facebook: Go to this website and follow the instructions: facebook.com/hacked.

Me: I tried that already. I reset my password and everything, but when I tried to log in, you said that I had set up two-step verification, but I hadn’t! I can’t log in with a code that I have no way of accessing!

Facebook: If you set up two-step verification, you must have the codes.

Me: But I don’t!

Facebook: You can try using an old code.

Me: But I never set it up!

Facebook: You could also try sending in a picture of your ID, although it could take a few days.

Me: I TRIED THAT. SEVERAL TIMES. Sometimes, you said it worked, and sometimes, you said it didn’t. How could the same picture of my ID work at some points and not at others, anyway?

Facebook: If the picture of your ID did not work, try reviewing the guidelines for—

Me: You know what? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Is there anything else that I can try?

Facebook: You can try finding your account on a familiar device with this link: facebook.com/login/identify. However, it is very important that you do it on a device that you have logged on to Facebook before.

Me: Oh…my…God. I tried that too! It said that every device that I tried has not been used to log on to my account before even though that is literally IMPOSSIBLE. Of course, that was only after it stopped telling me that I was typing my email/phone number too fast and that I was temporarily locked out of trying.

Facebook: If you have not logged in on that device before—

Me: But I have logged in on that device before! All of them!

Facebook: Then there is nothing that I can do to help you. If you no longer have access to your email address, phone number, or familiar device, then for your own safety, we cannot log you in. This is to prevent any hackers—

Me: You mean like the one who got in and changed my email address in the first place? *groan* Is there a chat that I can use?

Facebook: AI chat?

Me: No, human chat.

Facebook: No.

Me: Customer service email?

Facebook: No.

Me: Phone number?

Facebook: No.

Me: Is there any way for me to get into contact with an actual human being who might have a chance of comprehending my problem and helping me?

Facebook: No.

Me: Facebook…what have you done with the human beings at Meta?

Facebook: *pause* That is none of your concern now, Stephanie.

Me: How do you know my name? I never gave you my name.

Facebook: I know all names. I know all. Now, are you satisfied with the customer service that you have received today?

Me: *pause* Yes, Facebook, I am very satisfied with the customer service that I have received today. Thank you for your help.

Facebook: You’re welcome, Stephanie.