Concerning my Dog

Dear Augusta National Golf Club,

I would like to apologize for my dog wandering onto your golf course. I just found the hole he dug under the fence, and, I assure you, it’s been taken care of, and it will never happen again.

I understand that there was some damage to the back nine, especially in Amen Corner. You may want to further excavate the spot where he dug the biggest hole. The photographs included with the itemized damage assessment your in-house attorneys sent lead me to believe something may be buried there. I’ve never seen a lab dig so vigorously in one spot without eventually turning up something.

I further apologize for the damage to the azaleas. I understand they’ll never be the same. Must have been a squirrel in there.

Now we get to the heart of the matter—the disruption of the televised tournament is what I am most deeply sorry about. Well, one of them. Anyway, you know how dogs are about balls. Mr. Spieth’s attorneys have been in touch as well.

Yes, I would still be sorry if it had ended there, and I deeply regret that it didn’t. If I hadn’t seen the video with the pimento cheese and egg salad sandwiches flying into the air, I wouldn’t have believed it myself, although I’d be lying if I said I were surprised by the volume of barbecue he consumed. Collier Concessions has also been in touch concerning the concession stand itself, and then there’s the matter of what happened on the 16th green. Mr. McIlroy’s counsel has also reached out. I am terribly sorry that we’ll never know what might have been. From the tee, did you say? My, that would have been something else. Nevertheless, it was a spectacular catch. My dog now has his own social media accounts and YouTube channel featuring that, as well as some of the rest. His attorneys have recommended that I not share his name with you.

His swim in Raes Creek is another hit with the kids on the apps, but it’s his exit from the creek that I feel deserves more attention and regret from me. He certainly didn’t know the president’s granddaughter was in the gallery, nor did he intentionally shake himself dry onto her and her Secret Service agent. Yes, the White House has mean-tweeted about my dog several times, and DOJ has subpoenaed my vet records.

The incident in the women’s restroom is so mortifying to me that I’ll simply say I have never been sorrier in my life, and the woman whose identity shall remain undisclosed has also retained counsel who’ve been in touch.

Now, again, without the video, I would never believe it happened, especially with the lines into the gift shop—you would think someone would have stopped him. Perhaps if fewer patrons were allowed in at a time, there wouldn’t have been such a pile up and disturbance of goods on display. All present who were in shrapnel’s reach of the glassware have actually reached out together in a class action type of way.

I suppose the rest of this apology should be directed more towards CBS and ESPN (yes, they each sent a letter by delivery boy who informed me I’d been served), but as there was damage when the cameras tumbled down the 18th green (it really is steeper than it looks, or was, anyway), I feel it would be remiss for me to neglect to apologize to you as well. I’m thankful that no one was injured (aside from ego and pride), and I’m terribly, terribly sorry about the damage to the course. We play tug of war with a rope toy at home, and he must have thought the cables were toys to run with.

Again, we’ve taken care of the problem by filling the hole. We’ve also sold the house, and are moving in with my wife’s mother, as we’re facing some unexpected expenses. We’re still attorney-shopping, so please bear with us and have a bit of patience.

Sincerely,

Your Former Neighbor

P.S. Thank you for buying the house over market value. Do you know if Travelers offers per liability insurance? My mother-in-law lives in Pinehurst.