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Xismosa Xit

Pronounced "Chismosa Shit"

By Ariana GonBonPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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I started a newsletter.

Well, first, I quit my job. Five months later - after and while trying to be an audiobook narrator, an independent college counselor, a digital concierge, and applying for food assistance and many jobs - I had the audacity to start a newsletter.

I have been slowly withdrawing from social media. I stopped using Facebook fairly suddenly after graduating from college, because I was devastated by the fact that I no longer lived a ten minute walk away from 90% of my friends. My personal Instagram account came next, where performative activism was being called out and phoned in at the same time. I moved on to creating an art Instagram account, encouraging my friends that they were artists that deserved to be featured in my online community museum. I am currently retreating even from there, getting tired of losing track of time while I scroll, and feeling guilty that I don’t create more like the artists who have whole pages dedicated to their craft. I am scared to monetize my art - I embroider, and have been asked to make pieces - because I see others lose the joy they felt in their favorite activity as they turn to it to help them pay their rent. They no longer focus on punching the threads to make beautiful pieces, but instead focus on the string of numbers of generated sales and views that will decide if they can afford their rent that month.

I fill myself with ideas of what’s next after quitting, of what I could and should be doing, threatening to blow me away with the wind, but have found a way to ground myself. I have always wanted to be a writer, even attempting to make chapter books in second grade. Yet, since middle school, I was afraid that I would offend those I wrote about. Since reading books with sex scenes in them, I was afraid to write sex scenes myself and have my friends and family read them. Like a cliché, I know my fear was holding me back, trying to protect me in the darkness of what is known. So I took a baby step towards the unknown.

I handpicked friends who had already expressed interest in my writing, whom I missed, or who I asked if they wanted to be a part of it. My first e-newsletter, titled “Xismosa Xit: Pronounced ‘Chismosa Shit’,” tells them that I am still shouting into the void, as one arguably does on social media, but at least I know that this void loves something about me already.

Xismosa Xit, the main title of the newsletter, is the one thing that does not make me feel like a cog in the machine of society. I am doing it for free, because I am trying to grow my courage as I grow my audience. I am centering my art, which looks likes, and feels like, I am centering me. I curate mostly for myself. I am trying to maintain consistency, which can only go so far when it’s free. I invite people to jump into my obsessions with me, my rabbit holes, and keep up with my personal chisme/gossip. Thankfully, I have a backlog of writing I want to share, an even longer backlog than I thought possible, because I started on Vocal this year. I usually hate prompts, but with every Vocal Challenge I submit to, I think, “if I submit, I have a better chance of winning than if I don’t submit at all.” I am grateful for Vocal Challenges that encouraged me to write more, to literally take the gamble on myself. Xismosa Xit gives me the freedom to write and share and be creative and rant, because I want to, and sometimes the void compliments me for doing so.

Epilogue

I am starting to run out of my backlog, which will mean I have to write consistently again, but I look forward to maintaining writing in my daily routine again.

I would eventually like to get paid for my creative writing, but am still calling out for an idea that would like to work with me in the long-term.

I have told my family about my newsletter, once I got into the practice of not worrying as much about them reading my writing.

I am still afraid to write sex scenes, but because I am afraid I will not do justice to the intimacy involved.

I am grateful to my Loving Void who may or may not read my mostly-weekly newsletter.

If you’re interested in recieving my newsletter, please contact me at my personal website, Colochos De Flores.

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About the Creator

Ariana GonBon

26yo bi Xicana. There's always more to write about, in more interesting ways than white men. Follow me @arte.con.ariana, all tips will go to @openyrpurse, both on Instagram.

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