Why do I have to be gratitude for having a life?

Said who? Should I?

I’m not sure.

Today one of my friends said that her daughter tried to kill herself several years ago. She ate a lot of pills and almost died. And you know what? I can understand her. She had a difficult period of her life. She just didn’t cope with it. It’s totally OKAY for me.

Because why can’t we choose whether live or not?

Because we didn’t choose to be born.

I didn’t.

I was just born. So?? Should I be grateful for it? Hmm… sounds strange for me. I didn’t ask to be born. My parents did. To be more precised - my mother chose it for me. Not me. NOT ME.

It’s commonly believed that being born is something amazing, something special. It’s basically a miracle. I can’t disagree with it. BUT. Why didn’t I have a choice to decide it for myself? Like, should I be born? Do I want to live a life full of different things like happiness and disappointments, ups and downs? Nobody asked me about it.

My parents basically just MADE me.

I had a lot of complaints about it. A LOT. For real.

I worked with a psychologist a lot because I wanted to overcome all these problems and start loving my parents. So, did I succeed? In some areas, yes. Is it a progress? Definitely it is. But I still have a lot of concerns about my life, my childhood, my future.

My mother said that when she became pregnant, she wanted a child. That’s sweet. Sounds great. But guess what? Life is not so easy. She was divorced with my dad because (apparently) he wasn’t ready for a child! Then we lived in some not very ‘prestigious’ places and then… She sent me to her mom (my grandmother). The reason was that she met a man who didn’t have enough space for living that’s why I moved to my grandma.

So… I was spending 5 years living with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle while having abuse at school. Btw, my mother liked to drink alcohol a lot, that’s why she didn’t come a lot, I felt broken and lost. So, that’s a short story of my childhood years.

But why did I have to suffer from all that bullshit? For what? Because of what? What for?

If I had a choice, I probably wouldn’t choose living this life. But I didn’t have a choice to do it.

I’m in USA now. I emigrated here because of the war in my own country. I’m washing the floor because I need to earn some money for living a life. My parents are in Russia. They are living their best life. But guess what? They didn’t care about me. They just gave me a life (which I should appreciate ‘FOR SURE’) and just abandoned me. I truly believe in it. Sure, you can say something like - they are your parents and they love you! I can believe that too. But is it enough? Is it enough to give a birth for a child and love him? No no no. Stop.

To my opinion, if you decide to have a child, you need to provide him with everything he needs. Give him a home (at least a small one) for a start. Give him a basis. Because IT’S YOU WHO DECIDED TO CREATE A NEW PERSON, not the person himself! Am I right?

So, the point is that I totally understand people who decided to end their lives. Because it’s THEIR decisions! They didn’t choose to be born but they can choose to end their lives. Sounds terrible (not for me) but maybe for someone. But still it makes sense for me.

I am by no means encouraging you towards suicide! I hope you’re a rational minded people. I just wanted to share this thought with you. And no. I’m not planning to end my life or something like that. Just thoughts. Just reflections. That’s it.