When You Are a Newb at Conversating

How are all of these people just out here living their best lives? It seems everyone has the magic recipe to life sometimes, doesn’t it?

Have you ever fallen for someone trying to sell you on that lie? I won’t name any names, but there was a book called Girl, Wash Your Face and it was about the hustle. Just keep hustling.

I read the book with a grain of salt, but in my mind it seemed too good to be true. Successful businesses, devoted husband, multiple well-dressed children smiling for the camera. I thought, how can you travel so often and have all of these plates in the air? I must be doing something wrong. I can barely work my job and take care of my home and way fewer children. I can’t put myself together every day and I honestly would rather be zen than hustle. Does that make me not good enough?

I don’t think so. I think I could see through the facade of “doing it all.” With more money, there is more help and with more money comes more freedom. More responsibilities, but definitely more freedom. If we give and give of ourselves eventually a plate is going to drop.

These days we can easily compare ourselves to just about anyone that looks like they have it all together (sometimes filtered) on social media, but then there are these authentic people too that show up and state their insecurities and their struggle. Those are my people. I crave transparency. I have such a hard time with people who put on a smile when it’s obvious there is so much hiding behind it. I love when someone can come clean and be honest about how they are feeling or what is truly going on with them. Not in a Debby Downer sort of way, but in an authentic, truthful, heartfelt way. For me, knowing that another human has emotions or arguments with their husband, that their kids aren’t perfect and they also hate certain chores or are struggling with an important decision or medical diagnosis creates such empathy in me. My heart can come out and connect with that person’s heart and in turn, we can create a connection.

I often feel like I don’t like people. I struggle with what to say and how to say it. When to laugh appropriately and what to say in return for small talk. I usually end up walking away awkwardly when the conversation heads towards the weather. Small talk is my nemesis, but tell me something a little deeper and I am all ears. Tell me you started your period for fucks sake and I will get into it with you. I need real. Save your surface shit and give me some feelings or fears and I’ll dive right into the deep end with you.

This is our one life. Pasting on a plastic smile does nothing for anyone. Look within and find your truth.

I often have a hard time accepting compliments, but I am working on it. I often look around a room and compare myself to others. I have insecurities, but I also feel like I have an ego that tries to make me find ways I am better than others. It’s literally like the ego-maniac with the inferiority complex. I have deep "imposter syndrome" and often feel like I shouldn't take up space in a room. I play small at times and have a hard time seeing how far I have come. I am always seeing how it seems others are much more "far ahead."

Today I am working to stand tall and to just show up as I am. This is not easy. It’s so much easier when someone asks you how you are to smile and say, “great, how are you?” Even when our asses are hanging on by a thread.

The truth is most people won’t come out and say, “oh my sex life is suffering and I am broke, I don’t know how I am going to afford groceries this month,” because those are bigger problems and we don’t want to inconvenience others with our issues, but I hope we have a couple of people we can confide in about those big doozies that we don’t feel safe sharing around the work lunch table.

We need to find others we can trust to bare our souls to. This life is too lonely lived alone, but as I say that I realize I rarely share with anyone in person. I process a lot while writing but during lunchtimes or social gatherings I am usually observing or at home not showing up. So I need practice. I have a hard time sharing with others and even having conversations with others. I get caught off guard easily and feel like I don’t have the script for basic conversation. I hear others talking so easily and I wonder what is wrong with me? My brain is constantly overthinking.

When I grew up I didn’t witness the adults in my life having civilized conversations. I didn’t witness much adulting at all. I think maybe this is something learned that I missed in my formative years. So here I am at mid-life wondering how the F to talk to other humans.

In a recent Washington Post article written about teaching kids how to be conversationalists, I learned a few things. We won’t be good at having conversations if we aren't empathetic or if we lack interest in others. I think this has been a lot of my problem. I have been self-absorbed and only interested in hearing about others if we have similarities and I can jump in and share about myself too. I never properly learned to just listen. It feels so boring. I just can’t wait to jump in for my turn.

The author of the article also says we need to value silence. I find silence so awkward. Especially with authority figures or people that I don’t know.

The author goes on to say, “People can be so interesting, and children need to learn that any person from 90 to 9 has something interesting to contribute, as parents, one of our jobs is to foster this curiosity and tell them that every human being matters.” (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/04/09/10-ways-to-help-your-child-be-a-good-conversationalist/)

I wonder if there are others like me who struggle in social situations? I know intuitively that I want deep connections, but it can feel so challenging to find our people. I feel like my walls are so closed towards others that the first step for me will be to look at others more inquisitively, to ask questions, to learn to care about others even that are different than me. I may think we have nothing in common but could be surprised. It is so draining for me to have surface-level conversations, but I’m never going to get to the deeper levels without getting to know someone first.

I am a definite work in progress, but feel like this is an important skill I have been lacking. Time to work towards mature, honest, and authentic conversations. The world needs us to step up. When we share our truth, we give others permission to do the same.