The Little Black Book.

“It has to be a curse, nothing good ever happens to me,’’ I muttered to my best friend, who was standing next to me, giggling and swinging around the pole next to the bus station in utmost joy.

“What’s your number one life rule, again?” She asked, slowing down to look at me. I glanced in her direction for a second before sitting down on the edge of the curb. She stopped and sat down next to smiling, before nudging me. I sighed and looked at her.

“Anything can happen in one day, in one moment, in a second,” I replied in a monotone, and somehow she managed to smile even wider.

“That’s supposed to give you hope, right?” She questioned, still smiling before picking up my hand and holding it. I looked at both our hands intertwined together and offered her a small smile before the bus stopped right in front of our feet.

“Yeah, but somehow that terrifies me the most,” I finally answered before getting up after Ayana, and sitting next to her on the bus.

“What’s so terrifying about receiving twenty thousand, with no catch?” She whisper-shouted as noises from the bus, and the people in it filled the air, and I kept my eyes fixed on the seat in front of me.

“Because there’s always a catch,” I whispered back to my best friend who was rambling on about where we could go and the things we could do with the money I had somehow won.

I’ve never struggled with faith really. I’ve always believed there’s something bigger than me that’s possibly taking care of me. Is He/She doing a great job at it? I don’t know but I’ve felt it. Everything I’ve laid my eyes on points to a creator, a beautiful sunset, a child’s first laugh, joy, peace, the ability for human beings to have a soul and spirit that is invisible to the human eye, and lastly, every time I look at my reflection, I feel an overwhelming sense of hope that has kept my heart beating till today, even when I felt like it wanted to stop.

The bus came to its last stop, and I was the only one left. I didn’t even see Ayana get off the bus, I realized before getting off the bus and rushing to my room. I dropped my backpack on the floor next to the door before shutting it and walking straight to my bed and plopping myself on it. I took a few deep breaths before closing my eyes for a second and opening them up hastily. I felt a cold mysterious breeze blow past me, or walk past me. I sat up and look around for a sign of anyone but nothing had moved. I got up and looked around panicking just to spot a black book right next to where I lay. I looked around once more before looking at the book. I took a step back, breathed in deep before approaching the book slowly. Each breath was deeper than the last as if trying to convince me that I won’t kill myself but my actions will. I took the book placed it in my left hand before swallowing a breath and opening the book.

Blank. Nothing written on the pages. I skimmed through the book really fast, then went through it page by page, feeling the smooth texture slowly, but the pages were empty and untouched. It had the new book smell and I couldn’t resist bringing it up to my nose to breathe it in.

“I knew you’d love it.”A calm, yet loud voice said from behind me causing me to jump and turn around. It was a raspy, and so deep voice that it could shake the room, yet something about it made me feel like I’m home somehow. I turned around to look at him just to drop the book as my body felt like a hand was clasping my throat.

“Wha...” I tried to get the words out but failed miserably. A heavy feeling in my stomach started to grow as I struggled to stand straight. I bent over and supported my self on my knees as I tried to catch my breath desparately. I felt him move swiftly to my side. I didn’t hear him, just felt him move and in a heartbeat he had laid his hand on top of mine and in an instant I was calm until my eyes met his face. I slowly took a step back and even though everything in me was shaken, something about his bright angel face made me feel like I was in heaven.

“You and I don’t have that much time left,” the literal shining angel said to me but didn’t let me ask what he was talking about as he continued to say, “I’m the angel of life, and I want to talk about Amari,” he said and paused like he knew. I started to tense, trying to catch my breathe and my spinning head but he placed a hand on my shoulder and continued.

“I’ve always been fond of you, you know? You’ve always wanted to end it but you haven’t, can you give him the same hope?” he chuckles before finishing the sentence. I shook my head slowly before trying to catch my breath.

“Something always keeps you going, find it and give it to him. You might wanna check the notebook while you’re at it.” He finally finished and started walking towards the door. I watched his receding figure before mastering the courage to open my mouth.

“What if I can’t save him?” I cry and he stopped at the door knob and without turning to face me, I heard him say,

“You lose him twice,” He whispered and I could swear I heard his voice break. He lingered at the door for a while as I went through the little black book, and I finally saw words “One conversation.”

“Why one conversation? It takes longer than that to save someone!” I tried to reason, desperation in my voice.

“It took him one conversation to decide to end his.” He whispered again, and slouched his god-like shoulders before turning to look at me, his eyes red, but full of light nevertheless.

“And a notebook because that’s where you put all the pain you want to forget, and the cash stays if you save him,”

“If? You think I’ll fail? So why bother?” I retaliated.

“Because I’m hoping you’ll prove us wrong?”

“Who’s us?” I asked and in a flash, the room started to spin and I felt nothing. Then I felt like I was falling. Time standing still. Everything rushing around me. Out of the world, into space then back to being an insignificant speck on the face of the earth before everything came crushing down on me.

“Zola! Zola! Zola!” I heard someone call out before shaking me. I looked around confused before I heard the same chuckle I always lived for. I turned to stare at his face as he looked at me confused. I felt his face slowly then myself. Then I spun around and took in the surroundings. We were at a playground, faint sounds of children laughing filled in the air, the smell of city buses and trees surrounding. I finally rested my eyes on him again and I smiled and he smiled back after another full of life chuckle.

“Are you okay? You should be though, we weren’t swinging that hard.” He said, as he placed his hand on my shoulder and stared directly at me. I placed my hand on his just to see the black book and it all finally came back to me. One conversation.

I hadn’t been to the playground with him, even though this was his favorite place to be.

“Should I take you to the hospital, you’ve been staring at that book and me this whole time and it’s not the usual ‘he’s so hot’ staring.” He joked, but I could tell a part of him was serious.

One conversation. I heard at the back of my mind. I could barely keep myself afloat, how could I save him from drowning? I asked myself. One conversation, I heard again. I stared at him and offered a weak smile before letting my body take over and squeezing him in a hug. He hugged my back, wrapping his arms around me as I got drunk on his scent and embrace.

“I’d die if you left me,” I let out and this made him slowly pull away and look at me confused.

“I get the feeling that you’ve not been happy,” I explained desperately trying to save myself.

“I’m okay, don’t worry. I just suck at everything that’s supposed to make my life count,” he said with his ever so soft smile. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I don’t think you suck at what counts,” I replied.

“What makes life counts, pumpkin?” he asked as I looked around at the playground and everything around us. I thought of everything we had worked so hard for in school, and in his case football. I thought of everything that made us and everything we had placed value in. I thought of what kept me going and what ended his.

“The spaces in between.” I replied before continuing.

“The ride to a store, not the destination. Waiting rooms in the hospital, not the news after, the healing process and not completion of it. And it sucks because we think that when life is over what’s going to count is the end result and not the journey When it’s not really about what you end up becoming but everything you did in between.” I finally breathed out. He looked at me longingly.

“It’s every moment you breathe, you laugh, you cry, you kiss and you get angry. It’s the ability to feel everything then nothing at all. It’s the ability to love and to give others space to love you back. I think what makes life count the most is living every present moment given to you to the fullest, even if it sucks. It’s moments like this that count the most,” I finally finished and I saw light in his eyes, then a smile before he pulled me in for another hug. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder before feeling the same old familiar wind wash over me. I opened my eyes and gasped at the sight of the angel infront of me. I was still wearing the same smile even though Amari had vanished.

“Did I save him?” I asked, as the smile quickly turned to worry when I realised he was gone.

“Why don’t you ask him when you see him in school tomorrow,” He said with a beaming smile, and a glowing soul. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled back at him.

“Do you still think you have nothing to offer people except your own madness?” He asked with a smile. I stared at the angels face. He looked like a normal built man but he glowed.

“It was never about saving him, was it?” I laughed freely, for the first time. And he nodded in agreement.

“That was the end result, the journey was saving you,” He answered and for the first time in months, I left out tears form everything that had happened in my life.

“Anything can happen in one day, in one moment, in a second. That’s supposed to give you hope,” He whispered and walked towards me to close the distance between just to send me spinning around again until I was back in my room with no evidence of what had happened except the urge to make vacation plans with my Ayana, Amari and the little black book that had nothing written on it anymore.