The Half Of It made me cry

Hi! Here's a long, overdue and unnecessary reflection of the film, The Half of It. But I'm still writing it because feelings.

I cried a lot when Ellie Chu confesses she's a lesbian to her conservative, jock friend, Paul Munsky.

I come from a (mostly) conservative Muslim family. While my family doesn't practice the religion religiously and generally has pretty progressive views on many issues, they are undeniably and unapologetically homophobic. They tell themselves they are not by saying "they have many queer friends" or making statements like "she's gay but a really nice person" as if your sexuality has anything to do with your character. Growing up in this environment, I have practised avoiding the topic whenever I can and when the topic does come up, I have taken a very politically correct approach by saying "it doesn't affect us because we don't have to deal with it". For a while, this was true until I got into university. I really came into myself and learned to accept myself in the new environment.

I enrolled in an art school (cue the queer art school memes) where I instantly had an attraction to a girl in my class. I obviously brushed it off as a typical friendship brewing, which we ended up being really close in our first year. She also had a boyfriend at the time which made me assume that she's straight so when she got together with another girl in our second year, my heart broke. I couldn’t help but feel as though I was losing a part of me. I’ve had close friends getting a partner before but I never felt a loss like this one. That was when I realised how I felt about her. I had to face the truth and the new discovery of my sexuality. We eventually grew out of the friendship and now looking back, it was me pushing her away.

Back to The Half of It, I realised why I was crying so hard when Ellie Chu came out to Paul. I don't want to label myself as bisexual or queer because I did only have an intense crush on one girl so far. But it was the reality that I was never able to be myself due to my family's expectations of me and how they had perceived me all these years. I am worried that I would never find myself but I have accepted that my sexuality has no bounds and am open to find out more about myself.

The Half of It reminded me of how my life has been stuck on the third act of the film and how I am not able to move forward from it. As of now, I still had not came out as I am not sure of my own identity but I am not sure I ever will. Paul Munsky ended up being an ally for Ellie Chu which helped her gain a lot of confidence in herself. The Paul Munsky of the my family does not exist and I was sure that my family would not accept me.

Even so, I am very proud of myself for accepting my own sexuality. I am actively learning a lot about the LGBTQ+ community and am actively unlearning the prejudices I learned growing up. I was surprised to know of my backwards thoughts despite coming out to myself. I have also come out to my closest friends and I am happy to know that I was supported. I have kept my identity under the radar for my family and until they become more open about it, I will probably keep this to myself.