single

Whether you're solitary by choice or simply unlucky in love, being single is complicated.

The Day I Stopped Waiting for Closure
There wasn’t a grand moment. No thunder, no cinematic music swelling in the background. Just me, sitting at the edge of my bed, phone in hand, realizing that the silence I’d been waiting to end was, in fact, the answer I had refused to hear. For months after the breakup, I told myself that one day he’d reach out. Maybe to apologize. Maybe to explain. Maybe to tell me that what we had wasn’t as disposable as his sudden absence made it seem. I replayed our final conversation over and over again, editing my words in my mind like I could rewrite the ending if I just found the right version of myself to blame. That’s what waiting for closure really is—a quiet form of self-punishment disguised as hope. Every morning, I checked my phone like it held my freedom. Every night, I told myself that healing could wait one more day, just in case he finally gave me the permission slip to move on. My friends tried to convince me otherwise. “You don’t need him to tell you it’s over,” they’d say. But what they didn’t understand was that I didn’t want to know it was over. I wanted to understand why. I wanted my pain to have a neat explanation, a reason that made it all make sense. But heartbreak rarely offers logic—it just offers time. The shift began quietly, almost imperceptibly. It was a Sunday morning, months later, when I found one of his old T-shirts in the back of my dresser drawer. I held it up to my face, half-expecting it to still smell like him. It didn’t. It smelled like laundry detergent and dust. The absence of his scent startled me more than anything. It felt like proof that the world had continued turning without my consent. So I folded it, gently, and put it in a donation bag. That small act felt like tearing off a bandage that had already lost its stick. That afternoon, I walked to my favorite café alone. I used to avoid that place because we’d gone there together once, and I’d convinced myself the tables still remembered us. But the sunlight streaming through the window didn’t feel nostalgic anymore—it felt new. I ordered my coffee, sat down, and for the first time, didn’t imagine him sitting across from me. That’s when it hit me: closure isn’t something you get from someone else’s words. It’s the moment you stop needing them. I had been waiting for him to give me something he never had—emotional accountability. I had been trying to find healing in the same place that had hurt me. And when you really think about it, that’s like standing in the rain and wondering why you’re still wet. Closure, I realized, isn’t a door someone else closes for you. It’s the one you walk through on your own, even if your hands are shaking. The weeks that followed were not instantly peaceful. Healing isn’t linear; it’s messy, uneven, and sometimes cruel. Some days I felt proud of myself, and others I still wanted to scroll back through our messages just to feel something familiar. But each time I resisted the urge to reach out, I reclaimed a little more of myself. I started journaling again. Not to analyze the past, but to understand the present. I wrote about my mornings, my fears, the small joys I’d ignored while waiting for someone else to define my worth. I wrote about how strange it felt to smile at strangers again, and how good it felt to finally sleep without replaying conversations in my head. Months later, when his name finally appeared on my phone again, I didn’t feel the rush of adrenaline I used to. I felt calm. I didn’t even open the message right away. I poured myself a glass of water, fed the cat, and sat down on the couch. When I finally read his words—an apology, vague and too late—they didn’t land the way they once would have. They didn’t shatter me, or heal me. They just… existed. Because by then, closure wasn’t something he could give me anymore. I had already found it in the quiet moments: in my own laughter returning, in forgiving myself for staying too long, in realizing that peace isn’t found in the past but in the decision to stop living there. That was the day I stopped waiting for closure. And, without realizing it, that was also the day I finally found it.
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Strength in Softness
For most of my life, I believed strength meant hardness. Keep your guard up. Don’t cry. Be the one who endures quietly. That was how I grew up, in a home where silence was respect and feelings were weakness. My father was a man of few words and straight lines. Everything had to be done with precision. Even love, in his world, was measured — practical, restrained, and never spoken aloud. My mother was gentle but exhausted, often too busy holding everything together to hold herself. I learned early that emotions were something to be managed, not expressed. As I grew older, I carried that belief into every corner of my life. At work, I became known as dependable, efficient, and unshakable. Friends came to me for advice, not comfort. I wore control like armour. Yet behind that armour was someone constantly tired from pretending to be fine. It took one ordinary morning to make me question everything. I was sitting in a café in Florence, taking a short break during a work trip. The day was bright and loud, the smell of espresso thick in the air. At the table beside me sat an old woman and a young boy. She was teaching him to fold paper boats. Her hands trembled slightly, but her voice was patient and kind. The boy laughed when his boat collapsed, and instead of correcting him, she laughed too. Something in that moment struck me deeply. Their softness wasn’t weakness — it was presence. It was strength without armour. I felt an ache rise in my chest. For years, I had mistaken tenderness for fragility. I had chased control so fiercely that I’d forgotten what warmth felt like. That evening, I walked along the Arno River, the air golden and quiet. I thought about all the times I had chosen distance over openness, logic over empathy, silence over truth. Every choice had kept me safe — but also lonely. A few months later, life gave me a test. My mother fell ill. I flew back home to London and found her smaller than I remembered, her hands colder, her smile softer. For the first time, I saw her not as someone who had failed to be strong, but as someone who had carried everyone else’s burdens for far too long. One night, while helping her to bed, she said, “You’ve always been the strong one. But don’t forget, love, strength isn’t just holding on. Sometimes it’s letting go.” Her words stayed with me long after she passed away. After the funeral, I returned to my flat, sat by the window, and allowed myself to cry — not quietly, not carefully, but fully. The kind of crying that feels like truth leaving the body. I didn’t hide it. I didn’t apologise. And for the first time in years, I felt lighter. That was the beginning of my unlearning. I started small. I told my friends when I was struggling instead of pretending to be fine. I learned to say no without guilt and yes without fear. I stopped editing my emotions to make others comfortable. When I made mistakes, I forgave myself. Softness didn’t make me weaker. It made me whole. One evening, I visited an art gallery in the city. There was a sculpture of two hands — one carved from stone, the other from clay. The plaque beneath read, Strength holds, softness heals. I stood there for a long time, understanding what it meant. The world teaches us to be hard because hardness looks powerful. It wins arguments. It closes deals. But softness — quiet compassion, honest emotion, the courage to be open — that changes lives. It changes how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves. Months later, during a team meeting, a colleague broke down in tears after a mistake. The old me would have offered a practical solution. Instead, I reached across the table and said, “It’s okay. You’re human. We all are.” Her eyes filled with relief. That small moment felt like a silent victory — proof that softness could lead, too. Now, when I walk through the world, I look for softness the way others look for signs of success. The quiet smile of a stranger. The sound of rain tapping the window. The warmth of forgiveness. I still have days when I slip back into old habits — when I build walls, when I retreat. But now I know the truth: being open doesn’t mean being weak. It means being brave enough to feel. Strength isn’t the absence of vulnerability. It’s the ability to hold it with grace. Sometimes, I visit the same café when I travel back to Florence. The table by the window is still there. Once, I saw another child folding a paper boat, laughing as it fell apart. His grandmother helped him start again, her hands trembling with age but steady with love. And I smiled, because that moment — quiet, ordinary, and soft — held more strength than any armour I had ever worn.
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