Something Better Than Nothing

To fall in love is a dangerous thing.

A numbness consumed her as she stood in the dark doorframe of his old room, her black heels dangling from half-curled fingers. The taint of adolescence was frozen in the scarlet of his walls that she brushed her fingers against, the rich darkness of his carpet her toes curled into, the black and grey plaid of his comforter. She stood for a moment just staring at the bed that had once been his. His home, his room, his past. Everything he had spoken so much about.

This is where they would have spent holiday vacations and long weekends together. This is where he had grown up, a light among the grays this world so readily provides.

She crawled onto the bed and curled her knees against her chest, letting her black lace dress fall across her previously exposed shins.

She closed her eyes and tried to breath in the scent of him, to remember what it felt like to have him lay against her back. Fingers brushing her hair away from the edge of her face. His lips kissing her jaw, her neck, her shoulder. She could almost feel his hand running down her side before draping his arm around her waist. She could feel his smile as she turned around to face him. She reached out her arms to hold him as she opened her eyes and gasped.

"What are you doing to my bed?" The dark shadow of the deceased haunted her from the doorway.

She sat up, startled. "James?"

"What?" As the stranger came into the light of the bedroom his features became clearer. This was not James. His hair was much too dark, too wavy, his brows too furrowed, his eyes too pained.

She felt the pit of her stomach drop as again the reality of her situation washed over her. He was gone. No matter how much she needed him.

"You must be the brother," she observed blankly as she got off the bed.

The funeral party downstairs had left her feeling drained as she had sobbed in his mothers arms and stared at the lost face of his father. Condolence after condolence, and pitied look after pitied look had driven her to seek the solace of somewhere hidden. It seemed she wasn't the only one who sought escape.

"Who are you?" His tortured expression remained as he stood his ground just inside the door.

"Oh, I'm May. May Showers." She paused a moment before hesitantly clarifying, "the Girlfriend."

This seemed to bring him back to where they were. "What are you doing in my room?"

Heat rushed to May's face, "I'm sorry. I... I thought..." She couldn't seem to finish her thought but he soon realized her mistake.

"James' room is another door down."

"Oh, thanks," she stammered as she slid past him out into the hallway, "Sorry for mussing up your covers."

His troubled eyes lit up just the tiniest bit at that as a smile creeped up one corner of his mouth. "Wouldn't be the first time one of James's girls has."

She felt indignation and embarrassment flame her cheeks once more as she turned to leave.

"Hey." His hand had brushed against her shoulder as the seriousness slipped back into his voice. "If you ever need anything..."

She turned towards him and for a moment their eyes locked and in that moment they both knew he meant it, he really did.

"Thank you."

He nodded and slipped into his room, closing the door behind him.

She turned and once more stood in the doorway of another room, this time the right room. Its grey-blue walls and white carpet were such a contrast to the other room she wondered how she could have ever thought it was his. This time when she curled up on the sailor blue comforter she didn't try to picture him. This time all she could do is wrap her arms around herself and cry bitter tears of sorrow.

...

Months passed but the ache stayed. Everywhere she went she was reminded of what they would have had. Every person she encountered stopped her and asked how she was doing, or if she was holding up. "Stay strong" they said. "iIt'll get better with time." But every time she heard this, she knew it was lies. Things would never get better. Not so long as she stayed where people knew her and were there to remind her what she had lost.

She needed to get out of town and she knew the perfect person to run away with.

The phone went to an answering machine before he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Do you have a minute to talk?" she rushed.

He paused, "... Sure. Where do you want to meet up?"

"Town Park."

"Be there in ten."

...

May was sitting on a wooden park bench, her eyes closed, breathing in the cool scent of an Organ spring when he arrived.

"May? What's..."

She cut him off, opening her eyes into wide blue circles. "I need to get out of here. It driving me crazy. He's everywhere. I can't escape him."

"I know how you feel, but..." His gaze fell to his feet

"I know you barely know me and we haven't talked since, well since, that day..."

"May."

"... But I don't have anyone else and I need to get out of here. And you said if there was anything..."

"May." This time he said her name like it was a command, then sighed. "I need to get out of here too."

She released a pent up breath that almost sounded like a sob.

"Your car or mine?" he asked, a pain and hope scrawled across his face in a way that was barely legible.

She laughed a monosyllabic laugh that came through her nose. "You choose."

As they walked over to his olive green 1977 Land Cruiser May realized one very important detail was missing.

"Um, this is embarrassing but..." She tried to think but she really didn't know. "Um, I don't think I know what your name is."

He laughed as they both climbed into the Jeep. "It's Bradley, but my friends call me Brad."

"Brad." She tasted the name to see how it felt on the tip of her tongue. "It fits."

"Where should we go?" he asked as he pulled out of the park.

"Anywhere."