Shards Of Being

JOSEPH

“I’m not doing this shit,” I told Carlos Nunez, my best friend, while he did his best not to snicker along with the rest of the guys as we waited at the bus stop on Lafayette Avenue in the Bronx. We were all from The Heights, a designated block in the Tri-State area where there were mostly people of Dominican descent. But Carlos’ younger brother Ulysses went to school here uptown and Carlos was under strict orders from his mother to pick him up and drop him off every day. The guys and I usually accompanied him on Fridays if our college and work schedules lined up. Today happened to be one of those days, and to my disappointment, Carlos was in a prick-like mood. I, of course, was his favorite victim. Mostly because he knew I could take a joke. Mainly, because I was his only punching bag.

“Come on. All you have to do is go up to her and say she’s hot. Matter of fact, I’ll put down a twenty if you do,” Carlos persisted and it was getting annoying. I was about to tell him off, until the girl he had selected as my victim had decided to approach us instead. Her black framed brown eyes settled on me first. I stood my ground, shoving my hands in my pockets as I fidgeted with the silicone case covering my phone to keep my hands from shaking. Her pale and smooth cheeks did nothing to display her real age. But judging from the class ring on her finger, she was a senior. So, on the cusp of being of legal age, but not entirely. It didn't matter. I wasn’t about to indulge Carlos and embarrass myself or this poor girl.

"Find some other hobby other than humiliating yourselves in public,” she spoke heatedly, glaring towards Carlos first, and then at me. I threw my hands up in surrender and began to laugh. I had no idea who this girl was and she already had my nervous system on overdrive. This was a rare occurrence and I'm pretty sure it was the cause behind Carlos' knowing smile.

“She’s got a mouth on her. Just what my boy right here needs. Right Joseph?” Carlos continued his teasing and it was my turn to send him a warning glare.

“Fuck off, Carlos.”

“Not my type anyway,” she claimed with a shrug as she retrieved her book from her shoulder bag and started walking away from my hollering group of idiotic friends. I didn't care what this girl thought about me, however, I was curious to know what part of me she was rejecting, seeing as she didn't know a single thing about me other than my physical appearance.

“What’s the matter? Not tall enough for you?” I snapped back, knowing damn well that wasn’t the case. I was well over six feet. And I had no idea why I was playing into this game with her, but her response had stirred something inside me. Something that hadn't been provoked in a long time.

“I don’t date sad boys,” she countered, with a glance over her shoulder, directed at the blunt I had previously flicked dead onto the pavement. And then, she looked up to meet my gaze. I raised an eyebrow, as I put two and two together.

How she knew I got high to forget all the bad things I thought about on a daily basis, I didn’t know.

What I did know was she bothered to notice. Most people I knew could see I stopped caring about the world around me a long time ago. Reality wasn't something I liked to spend too much time skinny dipping in. This girl, whoever she was, had managed to drag me back into it and the crisp air surrounding the truth behind her words had frozen me to the core.

Before I could even ask for her name, she disappeared into the crowd of people waiting to board the bus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I turned my phone off for the evening to avoid another nagging phone call from my mother as I got off the six train, and headed towards Parkchester, a smaller shopping district near Ulysses' high school. The guys needed to find costumes for the Halloween party at Crismarie’s place. She was the party girl of our neighborhood and Carlos wanted to find a good costume to impress her with. I had no idea why. He could literally get any girl he wanted and yet he wanted what all the other guys have already gotten a taste of. Or so the rumors say.

A Spooky Halloween in Parkchester was the only affordable costume place in the city that had any last minute costumes left. I crossed the busy streets until I met up with the rest of the crew at the front of the store and took one last hit of my joint before we went inside. The store was bustling since we weren’t the only ones looking for some last minute costumes. The guys split up looking for Carlos’ size within the adult sections, while I looked towards the mask section. I had already planned on going as a werewolf. My mask was sitting at home waiting for me. And so was another joint. I licked my lips at the thought of it and then my ears perked up when they heard a familiar voice.

It was her. The girl from the bus stop.

“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not much of a party person, Vince…” her voice trailed off. She sounded different. Nervous maybe? I kept my gaze on the masks as I kept listening, my hands in my pockets. I wasn't an eavesdropper by nature. Although my entire family was. I was five years old when that realization became clear to me. As I grew older, and I descended further and further into the darkest parts of my mind, another epiphany had come to me. Most people held nothing remotely interesting about themselves unless they did whatever took to keep it hidden behind closed doors.

“Tonight is our last night working together and we get off in fifteen minutes. I’m honestly curious to see you in that gypsy costume,” this Vince person claimed, adding a flirtatious laugh to seal the deal. He was pulling one on her of course. I’m a guy. I knew what the thought process was. It wasn’t my business. I had no right to step in. But my feet were moving in their direction before I could stop them.

I cleared my throat, grabbing a random item from the shelf as well as their attention, while I smiled at both of them.

“Excuse me, do you have this in a large?” I asked, looking back and forth between them innocently. Her icy glare caused a chill in my bones, but my smile only grew wider.

“I’ll check in the back. Sophia, think about what I said?” The co-worker added as I handed him the afro rainbow wig and he winked towards the blushing girl in front of me. Sophia was her name. I was glad to finally put a a name to the girl who loved throwing knives with her sharp brown gaze instead of her hands. It was pretty uncommon in these parts. Just like her.

“So you don’t date sad boys, but you do date dickheads like that?” I teased and she sighed as she moved away from me.

“If I can’t help you find a costume, I suggest you find your way out of my personal life,” Sophia clapped back and my laughter resurfaced. She had some fire in her. The kind of fire I didn’t mind triggering if it meant she’d keep talking to me. I found her abrasiveness to be alarmingly charming and I was interested to see how long it would take for her to be increasingly annoyed by my calm personality.

“Fair enough. I need a costume. Preferably a duo. So that you can wear the other half,” I did my best to flirt and to my disappointment, all she did was laugh. Flirting wasn't my thing. I was more of a what you see if what you get type of person. The women who gravitated towards me were more than welcomed to enjoy my company and what I had to offer.

Sophia was in a different category. One that did not have a label just yet. Mostly because I wasn't sure just how far I wanted to take this. Or how she'd even respond to it.

“I told you before. You’re not my type,” she reminded me and I nodded, my gaze skimming through her pretty face. Her eyes were no longer framed in black. They were merely hiding behind her glasses and the hint of something familiar. Something I saw everyday in the mirror. My smile faded as I realized the reason why she didn’t date people like me.

Someone hurt her. The evidence was in the heavy makeup she had packed underneath her eyes to cover up the fact that she'd been crying recently. And it only made me more curious to know who would even dare to make her cry in such malignancy.

“Come with us to a party tonight in The Heights. I promise it’ll be ten times better than what that asshole was planning on doing with you,” I offered. I didn’t know this girl from a hole in the wall. However, since I saw her that day at the bus stop, the bad shit swimming around in my head had been slowly clearing out with thoughts of her and I needed to be around her if I wanted it to continue.

We all needed something to get through the day. My usual go-to's were video games, alcohol and weed after a long day at work and trying to keep my thoughts from imploding. After observing Sophia tonight and seeing she seemed to be struggling just as much as I was, I had to wonder how she was coping with it.

“I don’t know you and your friends are idiots. Why would I go with you?”

"I see your point. Well, my name is Joseph. My favorite colors are navy blue, white and black. I'm twenty years old with a crippling anxiety problem that I like to curb with a few joints here and there," I confessed and she raised an unimpressed eyebrow. She'd been around people like me before apparently. It would explain why she was handling it so well. It explained alot actually. Especially how she wore a different kind of sadness in her eyes and how exhaustion was just a quick cab ride away from knocking on her front door because of it.

"Yeah, I kind of figured that. Not sure how that's supposed to convince me to go to a party with a someone I barely know," she countered as she continued to fix the disheveled costumes back onto their hangers.

"I have a feeling you have someone or something you’re trying to forget about tonight. All I want to do help you do that. At least for a little while.” That seemed to strike a cord. She stiffened at my words and crossed her arms as her co-worker returned with the same wig I had handed him prior.

“We’re sold out. But I can help you find something else if you’d like,” Vince offered as he placed the wig back in its rightful place.

“No, that's okay,” I began, as I looked over at Sophia and she looked away from me, avoiding my gaze, “I’ll find something else. Thanks.”

“Soph, mind helping him out? Diana needs my help at the register.”

“Sure, my pleasure.”

“You’re in good hands,” Vince exclaimed as he placed his hand on her shoulder and she blushed before he left us. I held back a laugh and it definitely bothered her enough to sigh in defeat.

“Fine. I’ll go to your party. But I’m bringing someone with me. God knows what kind of shitshow I'm walking into tonight,” she replied and I nodded in agreement. As long as I got to talk to her again, I was perfectly fine with her bringing reinforcements if it made her comfortable. Despite her prickly personality, I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her. And also how her presence seemed to keep the shadows inside my mind from escaping their chains.

“Perfect. Number please? So I can send you the address.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find it,” Sophia insisted, a small smile forming on her full pink lips as she walked down the movie slasher section, and tended to a different customer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was close to eleven and Sophia hadn’t arrived to the party yet. Yeah, I was nervous. Not sure why. Too out of it to care. There were plenty of women here my age tonight. Women that would gladly offer up pretty much anything since most of them were wasted. But I wasn’t that type of guy. The dancing crowd inside Crismarie’s apartment was making me a bit claustrophobic, so I headed out onto the fire escape that overlooked the one-way street below us and took a seat to light up another joint.

There were cars double parked from corner to corner. Groups of people in costumes were hanging out and smoking near the corner store, beer cans in hand. I was tempted to ask Carlos if he had any more buds on him when I noticed a cab pull up in front of the building. Someone in a Catwoman costume stepped out of the cab first. Followed by a female in a Gypsy costume. I moved closer towards the railing, and took off my mask, taking a closer look at the duo as they approached the front steps of the building.

One of them was definitely Sophia. I’d recognize her voice anywhere.

“You’re sure this is the right place? This isn't your usual Halloween hangout. Also, you hate the smell of weed,” Catwoman tried her best to whisper, but I had excellent hearing when my thoughts were in a fog. I was also on the third floor fire escape. Which wasn’t too far from the sidewalk.

"You mean as opposed to sitting in bed, watching horror movie marathons by myself? C’mon, it’s on the third floor,” Sophia ushered her amused friend towards the building entrance and I smirked as I headed back into the party. I made my way towards the kitchen to grab another beer and handed one over to a sexy pirate who asked me for one. She whispered a thank you and I nodded a reply just as I heard Carlos hollering in the living room. Shit. I forgot to tell him I invited Sophia. No doubt he'd make a spectacle out of her arrival just to get to me.

I took one long sip of beer before pushing through the crowd of bystanders and walked into the living room where Carlos, and the rest of the guys were standing around the girls.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime?” Carlos began his teasing and I pushed at him, flipping him off as I waved the girls towards the fire escape, the only quiet section of the apartment.

“Don’t mind him. He’s had too much to drink tonight,” I informed them and they both shared a look before shrugging.

“We’re used to guys like him,” Catwoman answered first. She was slightly shorter than Sophia, even in her heels, but her smile was contagious. She hadn't done much to hide her shoulder-length curly hair given her costume, but it sort of gave it a special kick.

“Excuse Sophia, she’s in a mood. Hi, I’m Marina,” Catwoman introduced herself and extended her hand for me to shake. Once I did, I looked over at Sophia who kept her gaze down at her glowing phone.

“Joseph Molina. And yes, seems like she’s always in the same mood,” I teased and it caught Sophia's attention long enough for her to put her phone away and finally look up at me.

“Do you normally invite people you don’t know to your parties?” Sophia began her verbal debate and I sat back to enjoy it. She liked to argue. It was obvious. But she was out of luck if she expected me to play along tonight. I was too relaxed to indulge her anyway.

“My family is just across the street. Living room full of kids if you’ll be more comfortable in a child-like environment,” I challenged, and watched her bite her lower lip. She looked annoyed at my remark. Far from my intention but at least she knew she couldn't get under my skin so easily.

“God, no. She hates kids. Besides, we never get to have fun when I come to visit!” Marina insisted as she moved in on her friend and pulled her in for a hug. Sophia didn’t seem like much of a hugger. I could relate. I liked my personal space. And so did the guy controlling my hyperactive nervous system inside my body.

“Where are you from?” I asked, noticing Marina did have an accent. Southern maybe?

“Texas! Houston specifically. I came up here to visit Miss Cranky Pants. She’s going through a few things right now. Boy problems. I'm sure you know how exhausting your species can be,” Marina did her best to explain, making sure to emphasize the last part and I laughed as I noticed Sophia shaking her head from the embarrassment. I wasn't too sure how these two became friends, but I can see why they've stayed that way. Marina cared about Sophia. Unconditionally it seemed. I suspected Sophia felt the same. She didn't seem like the type of friend who'd feed you to the wolves just to take the attention off herself. But again, I didn't know her all that well. I could just be giving a ghost a body.

“I seriously regret bringing you here tonight,” Sophia chimed in and I smirked as she pulled out her phone when she received another text message.

“We’re both eighteen by the way," Marina declared as she winked over at her best friend while simultaneously ignoring her comment, "Perfectly legal. Not to drink but you know, for other things,” Marina continued and I chuckled as Sophia pushed her back inside of the apartment, despite her protests.

“Excuse her. She’s from the south. The heat fries their brains,” she explained and I chuckled as I cocked my head to the side when she finally turned off her phone and placed it into her purse.

“So how long have you been single?”

“I never said I was,” Sophia rectified and I raised an eyebrow. Interesting. She seemed single to me while she was talking to her co-worker earlier. She’d been interested in him. Or at least that’s how it looked to me. She blushed every time he looked at her.

“So you’re spoken for?”

“I never said that either.”

“Then what exactly are you?”

“A mess,” she answered quietly as her gaze lifted up to the night sky and I noticed she was trying her best not to cry. I wasn’t the best at comforting people, but I could at least try.

“You wear messy pretty well. Show me how sometime?” She laughed in response. Ah, there it was. Victory!

“You have absolutely no idea what you’re getting yourself into,” Sophia warned, her laughter winding down as she rubbed at her arms.

“Why? What would be the harm in being friends?” I inquired, and she looked at me then, her gaze travelling over my face before she answered.

“I don’t need anymore lost causes falling in love with me.”

“You think very highly of yourself.”

“I speak from experience only, Joseph.” Sophia ended our conversation with a final warning and I had to take a moment to process and think about this. What the hell was I even doing? Trying to get to know this girl who was obviously in a very messy situation to begin with, while I had my own shit to figure out. Bad timing. Completely bad timing.

I didn't want to need her company. And if I never saw her again after tonight, I was sure to go back to smoking and drinking my thoughts away. Could I call up any old flame of mine to help fill the emptiness the noise inside my mind loved to drown me in? Yes. Did I want to? No. I knew what kind of unwanted trouble that would bring and honestly, none of them mattered to me now anyway.

Sophia did. And finding out why was just a good a reason as any to try my best to convince her to stick around.

“Your hands are shaking,” Sophia took notice, clearly concerned and I swallowed hard as I shoved my hands inside my pockets.

“Muscle spasms. I’m a freak of nature,” I joked, but she wasn’t laughing. She only scooted closer to me and removed my hands from my pockets and smoothed her own soft hands over them. My hands slowly stopped their rapid movements and I looked up at her, pushing down the urge to give into the magnetic warmth she was providing me.

“The freaks come out to play tonight. Don’t they?” Her smile offered me more comfort than she could possibly know. I wasn’t the kind of guy who would lean in and kiss her and blame it on gratitude. At least not anymore. Tonight, in Sophia's company, I wished I knew how to be more than what I was; the shell of a person I never chose to be.