Reckless

Astrid sat cross legged on cement so cold it almost felt wet through her dark jeans. She tucked a strand of short, greasy black hair behind her ear as she sucked on a clove cigar, blowing out the smoke as slowly as her lungs would let her. The setting sun blurred the barren trees and brick buildings surrounding her, the textured walls seeming to stretch into the sky forever. She wondered what it would be like to climb them as she watched the smoke curl upward from her fingertips, slow and smooth as caramel, before the wind crept along and spread the wisps into nothingness.

Sighing, Astrid blotted her half-finished cigar on the sidewalk beside her. When it was done smoking, she threw it as far as she could, following the brown speck with her eyes for the brief second it was in the air. She frowned in the general direction where she’d thrown it, not quite ready to get up. Why had she put it out before she was done?

The area where she was had been almost silent until a clicking set of heels started bouncing off the walls around her. Astrid turned when they got close and immediately sucked in a breath. Carabella swished her long, curly coal hair over her shoulder as she walked. Astrid’s eyes widened in panic and excitement when Bella looked down and grinned at her. If this were a TV show, the camera would have moved from a wide shot to a close up, lingering in slow motion on her lips until she turned her head and covered the screen in curls. It would then snap back to a wide shot in real time as she walked away, Astrid’s profile breathing heavily in the foreground.

Bella turned the corner, Astrid watching longingly. She’d been lusting after Carabella Egan for months now, but had never introduced herself. Instead, she put in extra work to seem unattainable and cool. She didn’t hang out with anyone because it might look cooler if she were comfortable by herself, and she didn’t wash her hair because it made her look nonchalant about her appearance. If Astrid had learned anything from sitcoms, it was that you couldn’t get the cool girl by being yourself.

Bella was not only alluringly beautiful and aloof, she was everything Astrid wanted and tried to be. She was chill in every situation, her aesthetic was broody without being depressing, and she was the coolest kind of reckless. Astrid had heard rumors about things she’d done, including sneaking into a Death Cab for Cutie concert to get the guitarist’s number. There were a few versions of what happened, but the one Astrid believed was that Bella slept with him and then turned down a relationship. He wrote a song about it.

And then there was Astrid. She was boring. She put too much effort into her careless look, and spent too much money on things that made her look pretentious. She perched on walls and rooftops and wrote poetry, but when she went home she just watched a lot of TV. Astrid didn’t even have any real friends. Everyone she knew either avoided her or kept all conversations cordial and short.

Astrid sighed again and stood to brush dirt off of her jeans. Shoving her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket, she wandered to where her silver corvette sat and got inside. It was gonna be a long night.

When she got to her apartment, Astrid made a beeline for the refrigerator. Her sister had left a big bowl of leftover Organix Mac n’ Cheese on the top shelf, so Astrid grabbed it and a fork. She walked to her couch, already shoving cold, stiff noodles in her mouth, and turned on Netflix. Last night, she discovered some new soap/drama/reality-that-was-scripted show about a group of female bounty hunters who went clubbing every night. She put it on and ate quickly, each bite large enough to fill her whole mouth, watching Nikki and her friends bash some poor guy’s head in for being a few months late on a payment.

Before the episode was halfway over, the bowl was empty. Astrid stared at it, then sat it on the glass coffee table in front of her. She was bored. Sabrina wouldn’t be home for another hour, and there wasn’t anything interesting going on anywhere near campus. Astrid drummed on her legs and tried to pay attention to the episode of “Bounty Call,” but without something else to do, she couldn’t focus. She pulled her phone out to play some rings game, but soon grew bored of that too, moving to lay on the floor and watch the ceiling fan spin. She imagined the shot as it would be on TV, looking down at her blank expression and sprawled out limbs. Depending on the show, it might even back up enough to see her through the fan spinning.

If she were Bella, she could find something to do. She would wander outside and accidentally find some legendary rock star to hang with, or an abandoned warehouse to explore and make her own. She would pose as a valet, go skinny dipping, stumble upon the best place in the city to sit and think. But she wasn’t Bella, she was Astrid, a dull college kid full of cold macaroni and restlessness.

The only thing that would help her mental state was altering it. Her sister Sabrina sometimes dealt, and Astrid knew where she stashed the stuff. Sabrina had a small metal box that she stuffed into a hole she’d cut in the bottom of her mattress, and she always kept stuff there. If there weren’t drugs, there might be something else.

At this, Astrid hopped up from the floor and walked into Sabrina’s bedroom. When they’d moved in a few months ago, Sabrina had insisted she get the master bedroom since she was older and paying more of the rent, but she never took advantage of the lock on the door.

Running a hand through her pixie cut, Astrid wandered to the queen size bed and lifted the mattress. The slit would’ve been hard to find if she hadn’t done this before. She shoved her hand through it and grabbed the metal box, propping the mattress on her shoulder while looking inside. There was a 9mm gun and sure enough, a bag of white pills. They were probably just bars, but it was better than nothing. Whoever this was going to wouldn’t miss just one. …Or four. Astrid shoved the box back into the mattress and let it fall, holding one pill up to the light so she could see it better. It was chalky and oblong, and there was an indentation down the middle, but it looked like it could have been a number of things. Astrid shrugged and dumped the handful in her mouth.

“Sorry I’m late,” Sabrina said, pushing the front door open with her foot and adjusting the numerous grocery bags in her hands. “You forgot to lock the door back when you got in,” she added. "Someone could have easily broken in."

Astrid stared at her sister from the couch, struggling to comprehend what the brown bags were for. She frowned and dizzily moved her gaze to Sabrina’s face.

“Hey,” Astrid told her. “Hello.”

Sabrina furrowed her eyebrows at Astrid and tilted her head slightly before she understood, at which she shut the door and put the bags down. She glanced out the peephole before locking it, then walked over to Astrid and sat down beside her. It could be interesting if the camera looked through the peephole too when she did, and followed her to the couch. That’s what the professionals would do.

“What did you take?” Sabrina asked. “Astrid, did you go in my room?”

“I dunno, what did I take?” Astrid replied, giggling. “You need a better hiding place.”

“God damn it!” yelled Sabrina. “Why the fuck did you do that, Astrid? Those aren’t free! You can’t just take my fucking—” She stopped short and put her head in her hands.

“You should take one too,” Astrid said, pointing at her. “Don’t let me do it alone! It’s more fun when you do it.” She was staring at the ceiling fan again, trying to watch just one of the blades go around, succeeding only in making herself dizzier than before. She blinked widely and shook her head before looking back at Sabrina.

“That was my last chance,” Sabrina mumbled in her hands. “I promised I wouldn’t fuck this one up.” Astrid watched her sister rub her hands up and down her face a few times, trying to remember if that was something people always did when they sat. Sometimes people did it on TV shows. Should she be rubbing her face too? Was she being rude by not doing it?

Sabrina’s hands fell from her face, and she glared at Astrid as she stood. “You need to stop being so goddamn reckless,” she said. “The world doesn’t revolve around your whims.”

She walked out of the room, and Astrid watched her go, trying to remember what “whims” were.

Astrid woke up on the couch, covered in an itchy brown blanket. Her neck hurt from the way she’d slept on it, but otherwise she felt normal. She’d missed her morning class though, since she’d never set an alarm. Sabrina had left a muffin on a plate for Astrid on the coffee table, and she grabbed it while adjusting her piercings. Her septum ring currently resembled the letter C, and she rotated it while popping a plug back in her ear.

She took a bite of her muffin, pleasantly surprised by the blueberries inside, and glanced around the living room. Everything had been cleaned, and the TV had been turned off. Living with Sabrina was like living with a less controlling mother. It could be annoying, but it had its perks.

Once the muffin was gone, Astrid got up, stretched, and walked to the bathroom to pee and put on eyeliner. She spent awhile styling her dirty hair, ignoring the dark circles under her eyes but blotting concealer on her acne. She then walked to her room and changed her shirt, but kept on the same jeans. Carabella usually hung out at her favorite coffee shop around this time, and Astrid had been making it a point to hang out there too. She didn’t want to be late.

Astrid parked at the same time Bella was walking inside “How Froth Thou” so she smoked a clove cigar in her car before getting out and heading inside. She never ordered anything, just sat in the corner and pretended to read a book while stealing glances at her sort-of crush. Today, Bella was wearing black skinny jeans and combat boots, and a loose plum-colored button down that hung open over her tight maroon crop top. Her hair was tied in a low side ponytail, and she held a large white mug stained by her blood red lipstick. That would be a slow camera pan from bottom to top, lingering on her pensive expression.

Bella came alone most days, but today she seemed to be waiting for someone. She checked her phone in between sips of her usual hazelnut cappuccino and glanced repeatedly at the door. Astrid desperately wanted to know who it was. Every time she’d seen Bella hang out with someone it was because she happened to run into them. She just wasn’t the kind of girl who made solid plans. She was flaky, in a cool way. So anyone who had her waiting for them must be pretty special. …And also probably the wicked witch of the west.

After about ten minutes Bella lost interest in the door and her phone, instead pulling out her lavender poetry book and writing in it. She occasionally stared at the page and thought while chewing on her pen, or looked slowly around the room, possibly for inspiration, but otherwise stayed put. Astrid, however, had fake-read the same three pages enough times now and was getting bored. Whoever Bella was supposed to meet wasn’t showing up.

Astrid started gathering her stuff. Pretending to read in a public coffee shop would bore the live audience too. She stuffed the book in her purse and slid off her chair, glancing up at Bella for the last time today. Only, she was talking to someone now—a boy Astrid had never seen before, dressed in a similar style to Bella’s, with shaggy brown hair. He gestured to her poetry book and asked what she was writing about, and Astrid fell back into her seat, eyes wide. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, pretending to scroll through an app, and snapped a picture. Who was he? Did she know him? Were they on a date?

She frowned. Bella didn’t deserve someone who was going to break her heart. Not a goddess like her. Astrid was going to find out everything she could on him and make sure that wouldn’t happen.

“Yes, Will,” Bella said sarcastically, “I’m writing a poem about the dust on the fucking picture frames.” So, he had a name.

Will laughed and sat down beside her, trying to grab her poetry book. He kept insisting that she let him read it, and she playfully pushed him backward.

“Fuck off,” she told him with a smile. He acted hurt and flipped her off while pretending to wipe away a tear. She pushed his head lightly, and he jabbed a hand into her side to tickle her. She squirmed, chuckling and telling him to stop.

Astrid didn’t like any of it. How dare he flip her off like that? That laugh had to be fake. She was trying to push him away, but he wouldn’t stop tickling her. Didn’t he understand what stop meant?

Gritting her teeth, Astrid stood suddenly. Her chair squeaked loudly as it scraped across the floor and both Bella and Will looked up at her, along with a couple other people in the coffee shop. The camera would‘ve moved from Bella and Will to an awkward wide shot. Astrid almost said something to Will, like “stop being such a dick," but the longer she stared at Bella the more confused everyone looked at her. Instead, she pretended everything was normal and walked slowly outside, trying very hard to maintain her cool demeanor in spite of her pink face.

When she got to her car, she cranked it quickly and started driving toward the nearest convenience store. She needed a snack.

Astrid had been to this convenience store a few times before—there were no security cameras, and it wasn’t usually busy. It was the perfect place. She perused the food, keeping her expression as blank as possible as she considered her options. Mini donuts would make too much noise in her purse, gum would be easy but wasn’t what she needed. Chips were unfortunately out of the question. She walked over to the small section of pre-made sandwiches. Most were in bags, but there were some turkey and cheese sandwiches in plastic containers.

If she really were reckless, she would have said something to Will. She’d wanted to and then got scared. But reckless people ignored when they got scared. Bella probably didn’t even feel fear anymore. She would have said something, if she had been in Astrid’s position.

Astrid grabbed a turkey sandwich, glancing around to make sure no one knew she was here, and moved quietly toward the beer, where she was hidden from the rest of the store. She shoved the sandwich in her bag quickly, and sighed as if she had decided against getting anything. The manager stuck his head out from the storage room as she neared the door, and she raised a hand at him. He quirked an eyebrow at her purse but didn't say anything about it.

“Have a good day!” he called to her. She nodded at him and left. The shot of her walking toward the camera and out the door while he waved behind her and disappeared back into the storage room could have been iconic, in the right show.

She spent the drive home kicking herself and eating her sandwich. How hard would it have been, honestly? She could have just started with “Hey,” or “Is he bothering you?” or “I’m Astrid.” But no, she stared and she ran. Bella definitely noticed her, too. She probably thought Astrid was weird and invested and shit now. Her whole persona had been shattered in a mere second because she’d stood up too quickly.

After she'd finished her sandwich, Astrid's phone went off, and she picked it up to see a text from her sister Sabrina. Not bothering to glance at the road, she opened it.

"Thanks to your shenanigans last night, I'm in deep. You need to be out of the apartment by tonight. I don't care where you go, but as long as you stay there, both of our lives are at risk."

Astrid frowned at her phone and tossed it on the passenger seat. When she looked back at the road, she saw a stopped car about a foot ahead of her at a stop light. She rolled her eyes and swerved onto the grass to get around the car, flipping off the minivan who almost T-boned her as she did so. She didn't have time to worry about the feelings of other drivers, this was serious.

Now, Astrid had to make a decision. She could either pretend not to care how Bella saw her, which they would both know to be a lie, or she could do something that proved just how cool and reckless she could be. Astrid wanted to prove that wasn’t just some weird hipster kid who stood up quickly and darted, she could hang. She could hang like nobody’s business.

The next few days were pretty much normal; she saw Bella from afar in between classes, no close-ups. She sat outside at dusk and smoked before walking to a student lounge on campus and watching TV. She slept on the couch in there when she didn't feel like sleeping in her car. She'd accidentally left a few things at the apartment, but Sabrina had changed the locks and wasn't answering her texts.

Bella started walking around campus with that Will guy, though. A TV camera would probably zoom in on them, especially when she hugged him. He didn't seem to go to school here; he mostly hung out around campus until Bella got out of class and would meet up with her afterward. They laughed when they were together, too. No one laughed that much when they were just friends.

Each day for the next week, Astrid spent her free time plotting ways to be reckless. She could try stealing a car, but Bella might not even notice or care. If Astrid were going to get arrested she didn't want it to be for nothing. Besides, Bella had probably stolen a thousand cars by now. She seemed like the kind of girl who stole cars for the fun of it.

She considered shaving her head, but that might not come off exactly how she meant it. Even if it made her look reckless, she wouldn’t be able to pull it off. Greasy hair styled perfectly to look messy was kind of her thing, and it was the only hairstyle that worked on her. And if it wouldn't make Bella want her, what was the point?

It could be pretty reckless to get a pet snake and walk around with it on her shoulders, but Astrid was a little scared of snakes, and it didn’t feel like a solid plan anyway. Besides, what if Bella hated snakes? Then Astrid would be bitten or constricted to death or something, and Bella wouldn’t even be impressed. She probably wouldn’t even come to Astrid’s funeral.

Astrid followed Bella every day now, not just to the coffee shop. She stopped going to class because it only distracted her from her planning time. She watched Will when Bella was busy. There were hundreds of pictures on her phone now, some of him being a little too touchy-feely with Bella, some with him by himself. He'd left his phone on a table in the student center once and went to the bathroom, and Astrid took it.

She scrolled through his pictures, his apps, his contacts. Then she imagined him coming back and the camera zooming in on her face as he caught her, so she ran outside and to her car before that could happen.

And boy, was she glad she did. Will's phone had dating apps—where he was actively messaging girls! There were some dirty pictures, too, some of him and some of other people. Astrid became gradually more agitated as she looked through every nook and cranny. Bella's name had a heart beside it. Then she found the picture of Will kissing Bella on the cheek.

Bella didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve a lying, nasty cheater. It wasn't fair that she was giving him all of this attention and he wasn't even being faithful, or cool! He was even more boring than Astrid was. He didn't even try.

If Bella and Astrid were in a sitcom, the episode would start with Will and end with him leaving. Then Astrid and Bella could be happy. They would kiss, and hold hands, and... and live together! Which was perfect, since Astrid was unhappily living in her car. The question was, how would Will leave? Surely not of his own accord. Not unless he found someone else, which would be hard to orchestrate since he was so repulsive. They couldn't kick him off of the show for no reason! But there was one way she could make him disappear. Not everything she'd taken from the apartment had been hers; before she left, she'd made a little pit stop by Sabrina's safe.

Astrid sent a text to Bella on Will's phone, saying to meet him at his place in an hour, before taking it to campus police and telling them she'd found it on the sidewalk. Then, she went to go find the bastard.

Astrid sat cross legged on the frigid kitchen tile in Will’s apartment, smoking a clove cigar. She hadn’t known Will wasn’t Bella’s boyfriend. He was actually her brother, but it didn’t matter now. The gun from Sabrina's metal box now sat on the floor in front of her feet, just barely out of reach of the blood still seeping from his body. It was much runnier than she’d anticipated; it always looked thick when they killed people in TV shows. The deep crimson drastically contrasted the white floor, and Astrid sucked on her cigar as the front door creaked open.

She imagined how the scene would look if it were in “Bounty Call.” It would probably start at the door, the camera trained on Bella’s face as she walked inside. It would be a close-up shot of her face as her eyebrows twitched in confusion at the lack of Will in the living room, and would slowly zoom out as she turned her head and saw him lying instead on the kitchen floor, bleeding from his still chest, and screamed. It would then pan from left to right, starting with the blood and ending at his face when Bella landed beside him, shaking him and begging for him to wake up. Then, when she looked up at Astrid, it would flip to a wide shot as she smiled at her.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m Astrid. I like to think I’m pretty reckless.”

Then it would slowly pan upward as Carabella screamed again, following the trail of the smoke from Astrid’s clove cigar. The audio would cut out and the smoke would hit the ceiling and dissipate, and the screen would go black.