On the Subject of Twin Flames

Image painted by Salina Brilla.

You are the dream I didn't realize I had, I wasn't the little girl who thought of weddings and Prince Charming, I was gonna leave at 18 and travel the country robbing gas stations. Even as an adult, concerning myself with men is not something I often partake in and I sure as shit wasn't looking for you. I was toying with ideas at the time so maybe that's what allowed it to come in, haven't been since. I saw that and peg went my heart with that guitar pic, and strange as it is I saw that life long dream standing in front of me; however, at the time, I was unaware that's what it was. I'd never heard that term twin flame before and at first, thought it a hoax, but the more I've learned, the more I've thought it true and the more curious I've become of you. As much as I'd like to be infuriated at the very mean joke it appears the universe is playing on me, I am only able to feel hurt at distances and obstacles. I know if it's true and that soul of yours is the other half of mine, you feel no better about it than I do, nor do you take any enjoyment in any other pain that has taken place, apparent or not. For despite a life of hard living, bad decisions, and black outs, we are not bad people and cruelty for its sake alone is not in our nature. There's not much else to do with this except to say "This Sucks! Right now," because it damn well does. I've learned this whole time I've been content all alone, I may not have been, even if it was just this dream that somewhere there is the other half of me, just as faulted and scarred, fucked up and beautiful, family oriented, but wild as the night. If the lesson of this twin flames thing is self love, I can do that. If the image in the mirror has one eye shut from drunkenness for what I hear, I have a whiskey dance and a smile with eyes that light up the world, a memory with missing pieces that Il'l see when death rewinds my life for me, most will be fun times and nothing is shameful in that. I've never wanted to be the everything of anyone, only an equal counterpart, and even if this is all but a dream I didn't know I had, there was a moment manifest in reality that I probably screwed up. I do that with my lack of self confidence and determination to be good, and if by chance it is a real thing and I am told to go away as I have before, it is a possibility, and the scariest thing in the world to me.

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