On the Fly (May edition)

May, May. Thank you for bringing some sunshine and brighter days. I really do appreciate it.

Can't wait to buy some plants and get them into the garden, get more colour out there. Last week I cleaned down the plastic garden chairs, arranged them around my little round garden table a friend scavenged for me a couple of years ago. All ready for that first cuppa / ice cold coke sat in the garden when the weather gets REALLY nice in the UK (we can but hope!)

Life is a funny old kettle of fish.

Creative endeavours - WONDERFUL

Friendships and social life - WONDERFUL

Financial independence - WONDERFUL

So grateful to have a daughter I am close to, we have such laughs.

Have such intense fear too though. Fear for the future, fear that I will never be able to have what other people seem to 'have' - a soulmate.

Have done it too many times now - love, relationships, marriage... trying to live with someone (nope, doesn't work for me, especially when I need my space and independence, and I WON'T / CAN'T go back to being broke again, to feeling resentful, to saying NO to everything because 'we just don't have the money at the moment, and because he's not pulling his weight and paying his way, I'm paying more than my share and ending up angry and with nothing.)

I won't go BACK there again.

Don't want to be lied to.

Don't want to be bullshitted.

Don't want empty promises.

I've come too far. Done too much for myself, and by myself.

I do want love though. Want connection, mutual laughs, kindness, adventures, honesty.

I can never seem to get the things all together. Love AND intimacy.

Commitment AND passion.

I get one or the other. It's not enough. It destroys me. Rots my soul and my lust for life. I can't do it.

Thank God for sunny days, nature, for cups of tea, books, geeky things, my own space, my wonderful dinners and laughs and adventures with friends, for the practical help I get with tasks, my creative brain, my zombie book I wrote and published, for theatre shows, horror films, comedies that make me howl...

One day though. I'd like to know I've met the 'one.'

I'd like to have what other people have.

I have so much in my life.

I want love in the romantic sense.

I hope that I am able to keep my heart open. Because I'm starting to feel it closing up, from disappointment, from fear of rejection; closing up to protect me.

Does anyone understand? Do you feel my plight?

The nights are the hardest. Going to bed with my weighted teddy bear, imagining it is the arm of someone I am smitten with, draped over me.

I am okay, really I am. But I do need love. I feel full of love for my fellow man, for the world. I like contributing and helping others, showing kindness. I am bloody tough though. I have had to be.

My little fluffy guinea pigs are adorable. A squeak and shriek and purr for every mood. They are so sociable, so expressive, they talk to me, stick their noses high in the air for me to 'boop' them! Greet me when I come down the stairs. My little furry 'boys.' I don't feel so lonely with them in the house. But they are not the same as a human man, haha.

Maybe one day I can finally receive what I really need. Or stop caring. I hope not though. I feel myself becoming more stoic, when I used to always be so emotional. I am still emotional, but it feels slightly removed from me, or it passes by quicker. I don't want to be too stoic. I want to feel. I love feeling happiness, joy, glee, excitement - so I guess I can handle the loneliness and fear and confusion for now.

Thank God for my therapist! It is expensive but worth it.

Love you all. Thanks for reading. Hope my weird rambles help speak to someone else who is struggling and full of the 'feels.'