Getting back out there. Jumping back on the horse. Testing the waters can be a scary thing and also a weird thing. People can seem altogether there and then as you talk to them they start to drop subtle clues. Clues that there is a reason why they are on a dating site. Trust me I'm not judging because let's face it, I was one of those people who other people were saying that same statement about. I was the one with the 8 point profile that read like a sarcastic bitch list of what creates an asshole. Which is what prompted this nearly month-long exchange.
"Your update to your profile is a bit hard on people. It is actually hard to make the first move, especially for women... And conversation has to come naturally. That will be how you surround yourself with better people and stay happy and love."
"Thank you for your opinion however it is your opinion and I feel I have no obligation to make things easy on anyone. What I said is fair, not rude, sarcastic yes, but not rude. My opinion of course. And I'm not sure who it is you're speaking about that I made it harder for since you obviously had no hard time messaging me with more than just one line. I wish you the best in finding your special someone."
"Oh, I wasn't judging you. I was going to message you anyway but I couldn't keep up with all the what not to do's from your updated profile. Lol, it sounds to me like you are just fed up with assholes and don't want to waste time. But I was merely saying that sometimes loosening your control and letting a conversation unfold naturally could surprise you with something or someone amazing... Because it's not easy to reach out initially for people, ESPECIALLY, when you are as beautiful as you are... It could be intimidating. And yes I belong to the 1% of gay women who are not terrified of other women so I'm always the one who sends the first message. I pray no disrespect. I meant well."
"Yes you nailed it, I am beyond tired of being so "pretty" (which I don't see it) and because when I'm so "pretty" most seem interested in sex and that's it. SMH so I thought if I added some non-pretty into the mix it would balance out. That's me just thinking out loud with fingers crossed and shrugging because I don't know... So... Thanks for the compliment though. I do sincerely appreciate it... I appreciate that you are the 1% to cause there are a lot of fake girls out there."
"Well, it's like most of the women I meet are genuinely scared shitless to talk to other women. It makes no sense to me. So I'm out there dating those fake girls and it's stupid. You know what occurred to me... I'm kind of relieved to know strong women like you are raising our next generation of boys/men. So maybe one day sex won't be all they know. Also, it's not "non-pretty", it's a big slap in the face of the reality of what it means to be a woman and that's why it scares people. You just need that "person" who cracks you open so you can see the beauty too."
"Thank you very much... I do try to keep my kids from thinking women are anything other than complete equals. Crack me open, hmm... That's an interesting concept. Not sure anyone has ever wanted to crack me open before."
"WOW, You seem to have got some profound things going on in your brain! High fives"
The Next day
"Yes!!! I am so happy to have met you!!! Sorry for the delay in response I fell asleep and this morning I had some errands I had to do... Now I'm watching the boys play in their pool. And thank you for the compliment it is unbelievably awesome to find someone who finally understands what I feel about life and also feels it too."
"Girl... Yes! You are very impressive. Feeling is mutual. We should text. You don't strike me as a psychopath... That being said I won't be offended if you are not comfortable texting. It just seems easier to talk that way. But I get the impression you can hold your own wink."
"Ok, so what do you do for a living?"
"I'm the lead designer for a firm so I work quite a bit."
"That sounds like an amazing job!!! I love design. I'm on insta and I have some design stuff on there that I've done."
"I followed you already. What attracts you to photograph nature?"
"Thank you!!! Because nature sits more still than humans and nature lets me capture it anytime. Trying to find willing models is really hard for me... lol."
"Lol. True! Plus all design elements are found initially in nature. Nature sets the basis for all other designs... You're a deep woman!"
"As are you, sweetheart! Lunchtime for the Rugrats so I'll be back a little later."
Later on that day
"So what else is happening in your life? What art projects do you have in queue these days?"
"Honestly nothing. I have been in mom mode for quite a while now which means I haven't been taking pictures or doing any art or writing though I did start the book "How To Talk Dirty and Influence People" by comedian Lenny Bruce.. great book, just need some more quiet time to read it because by the time I get complete quiet I'm falling asleep myself... lol... It's such a mom life and I wouldn't have it any other way right now. It's what I always wanted, to be a mom. What about you do you have any projects you're working on?"
"Cool! Nothing wrong with that. You have an important job. But you are not married? I don't remember reading that?"
"No not Married... Just still in love with the father of my kids but he left us."
"Whoa. Sorry to hear that. That must be hard being a single mom."
"Had he not given up on us we would have stayed together, he is my love. But even love can only take so much... I think he did what he thought was best. Yes, it is hard, really hard. But I get all the cuddles, love, kisses, and hugs while I watch them grow... So it's all worth every heathen moment."
"That's a great way of looking at it. You are a poet also?"
"Yes, I am."
"Huh. Interesting. You think a lot about the masks people wear huh?"
"I do! Very astute observation."
"You must be met with a lot of resistance and hurt egos with people."
"Lol! Yeah, you can definitely say that! And for that reason I clarify everything, to some people it gets annoying and I try not to once I feel comfortable enough. With someone who doesn't need me to explain every decision I make it's much easier... But yes.. I've been explaining myself and apologizing since 1988 ... Hey thanks for being so awesome!"
"No Problem! Now, I want to tell you something because I think it will blow your mind... Please?"
"I will listen to anything you have to say."
"I never tell anyone about my spirituality because people don't get it but I think you will."
"I'm all ears/eyes."
"I'm a "priest in an African tradition that basically gave birth to fucking Voodoo and Santeria". And I'm white and before you run away... No, we do not sacrifice animals and pray to Satan or have orgies. In fact, I am forbidden to harm any person or animal, or plant in nature. It's really misunderstood. Which is why I laugh because you have to be called to it. They don't recruit people you have to be chosen for it."
"I 1 million percent believe you are what you say you are. I believe also that you are right I couldn't be recruited, I would have to be chosen. I also do agree that given that context no you cannot hurt anyone or anything. You are the purest heart."
"Omg. Your first instinct is to question whether or not I am telling you the truth. Again right back to masks and fake ass people. You have to tell me what created this in you... Wait... Are you an empath?"
"That would be the only way you would know anything about my heart."
"Well, logically only the purest of hearts can willingly agree to not hurt anything or anyone."
"Do you feel like you have different personas for different people?"
"Yes, I absolutely do. I live within different masks that I wear for different people. Not that I'm not capable of shedding my mask, but typically I only do it if I am willing to risk the relationship or I believe they are of a mindset where they will accept me as I am. Many, even family and best friends, tend to see in me what they need to see and when it is only one facet of who I am I tend to shelter them from the whole truth for fear of ruining the original relationship we built over time."
"What fascinates you about that?"
"What fascinates me about it is the capacity in which we are able to do this. Everything in life is about balance and we find balance in many people, however, seldom do we find that complete balance within one sole person. It's amazing when that occurs though."
"What color is your hair currently? Do you feel like being a blonde is one persona and being a brunette is another?
"Yes, I'm blonde now."
"Have you ever met a man that can have these kinds of conversations with you? I mean how do you function around stupid people? I don't imagine you have much patience for stupid people."
"I have a whole different persona around stupid people. I treat them how they treat me... As we all treat others how we want to be treated... Not necessarily how we think we want to be treated, but how we do in fact want to be treated."
"So you're hypersensitive to people's energy in general... Which is what makes you a poet ultimately. Makes sense. I've decided I like you. You're very challenging but in a good way."
"And I shouldn't call them stupid. I do... But I shouldn't. I actually resent thinking as I do a lot of the time. In the "Great Gatsby," F. Scott Fitzgerald had Daisy say that she hoped her daughter grew up naive. And I empathized with that... There is a certain bliss that can come from being oblivious."
"When you talk about having seen things as a child that you can't unsee may I ask what you are referring to?"
"Me and death have done a dance or two from time to time. That's an energy I'll never forget."
"Explain that please…"
"That is something hard to explain. But I have known pain that I have wanted to squash on many occasions. But it's late... I'm going to go to bed I'll text you tomorrow"
"Prayers good night."
"Hey hope you had a good day at work."
"Hello! It's my favorite poet! Yes, I did. How was your day? How are the rug rats?"
"Busy for me. Just a bunch of running around, housework, and a couple of doctor's appointments. Nothing wrong, just making sure the boys are just well to their dad not being around."
"I know that's hard on all of you probably. So... Do you have the support of family at all! How old are you?"
"Considering that their father was abusive to me I do have the support of my family behind me. My family though is there when they can be how they can be so it's something I take day by day. late 30's. Do you happen to like John Mayer?
"Wow. Okay. I've met so many women lately who have suffered abuse in some way. It breaks my heart. So have you dated women before or just here and there sexual experiences? I like John Mayer. He's okay. Great performer. Wouldn't necessarily sing along to him. Amazing musician, however."
"Breaks my heart too that women have to go through that kind of bullshit at the expense of men who just want to flex their muscles, I guess. But that is what it is. Here and there sexual experiences. I don't feel that I could give men up completely. To some extent, it is a turn on when they are confident and show that they can be that dominant provider type. Okay, I was thinking of going to his concert later this month, if tickets are even still available, I'm not sure if they are, and I'm not sure what I'll do. Would you want to go with me?"
"Do you ever listen to... Don't judge me... Any rap like Jaden Smith?"
"No, I'm sorry... And I don't judge you, rap can be decent. I used to like Eminem but over the past several years I have steered away from all of it."
"I have tickets to see him because my best friend was going to go but now she has to go to her cousin's wedding. That's okay should I get John Mayer tickets!!!???"
"Wait, huh? You have tickets to see John already?"
"No. I don't. I was asking if I should buy them meaning that would be a way to meet you. Lol. I'm scheming."
"Well it did cross my mind that it would be a way for us to meet, but I didn't want to just assume you'd be interested in going. I would love to go if you'd like, I can pay you back for my ticket if you decided to get them. If you don't want to go, we could always just meet up for lunch someday."
"You understand that I would never expect you to pay me back nor would I accept it. I'm not trying to offend you, but you have babies and I am a lucky girl without obligations. I thought that is why you were mentioning the concert. Lol. I've also noticed that women don't seem to know how to react to another woman flirting or courting her, especially in my case because I'm very femme and I get a lot of strange looks from girls if I'm flirting. It's bizarre."
"Lol... I would never look at you strange for flirting, I have flirted with women myself and I do empathize because I too have gotten those looks... No, I would flirt back to a certain extent. But I will admit I have never been courted by a woman or a man for that matter really. I have simply always paid my own way, or someone else's too. Before I had the babies I would also insist I paid whenever I'd go out with anyone because I too felt exactly as you do. So I will respect your position and not offend you and simply appreciate the gesture and offer to spend time with you."
"Good! I wasn't sure what to make of this interaction because we met in such a strange way and I didn't expect to hit it off with you let alone be texting you and enjoying our conversations. Very pleasantly surprised. I am however very independent so I don't know what that would look like to you. And I'm not jealous. I refuse to let a woman have that control over me. If this is too personal you don't have to answer, but did you enjoy sex with another woman when you experienced it?"
"I too, am very pleasantly surprised as I too really enjoy talking to you. So I've only had sex with one girl when I was much younger but I was also seeing a guy at the time who couldn't handle it so it became very messy."
"I tend to only be attracted to women who act and look like women and to make matters more complicated I like to be on top so I never fit any category right. I have a $300 strap on in other words but I'm girly. Hope you are not offended!"
"No, but I'm starting to drift a little... So would it be okay if we continue this tomorrow?"
"Of course. Good night"
"Thank you. Good night."
Two days later...
"When is your birthday?" She asked me and I told her when it is."Lol. What do you want for your birthday?"
"I'm not another materialistic person. I always appreciate the thought but I want and need for very little. I'm one of those kinds of girls that's like you if I want it, I need it, I buy it and I don't think twice about it and if I can't buy it then I don't ask for it because I just wait until I either can or I end up not wanting it anymore and then it doesn't matter."
"You're a Buddhist at heart dear and you don't realize it."
"I guess. But I try not to dive into any religion because I don't want it to be the soul makeup of my thinking or believing."
"I hear that. What about a weekend getaway somewhere warm and beachy? I've been thinking about doing that soon."
"That sounds like heaven but I could never leave my kids for a whole weekend. 1. my parents would never watch them for a whole weekend and 2. I would feel unbelievably guilty for doing that and I would never be able to enjoy myself because I would constantly be worrying what was going on with them."
"Sigh, okay. Do you get lonely?"
"Yeah, but don't we all at some point or another. I'm getting tired."
We texted a little every day for the next week and then I started to skip a few days here and there. Though through that we discussed meeting up and finalized our plans for the end of the following week. So, at this point, when we met up for dinner and coffee, we had been talking for a little over two weeks with the conversations getting progressively shorter in length. But after coffee that evening she went home and texted me...
"You're hotter in person than your pics... Just saying. And I totally understand your animatedness now because you're basically a typical Italian. Lol. Almost everyone on the Italian side of my family acts like you, so I like it. That didn't translate over the phone to me. Which is why I said I had to meet you. Anyhow next time, if you want to hang again, we'll go somewhere with a better menu. Good night"
I acted as though I was asleep because I simply didn't want to start talking about anything with her at this point. See I'm the type of person that doesn't just run away from a person that I start to get weird vibes from. I slowly back away (unless I'm in a creepy situation... then I back away a little quicker) until there comes a moment, a bizarre fucked up moment when I can say... Ah, nope, I'm done. And this moment was right around the bend with this woman.
The next day
"Aw thank you!! And cool I'm glad and okay, but I liked the salad a lot so no complaints from me it was a wonderful night and I thank you for hanging out with me greatly! Have a good day."
Later that day I get a text from her that says...
"I ordered you a birthday present."
"Of course you didn't have to but thank you very much."
"It should ship in 3 days. Hopefully."
"Okay, so what did you get done today?"
"My brother helped me move some stuff in a storage locker I rent and then it was too hot so we went to Mom's and I'm still chilling here but my brother just left. Did some other stuff. Didn't go to the gym today. Hurt my back too."
"Awe, I'm sorry you hurt your back! Glad you got that stuff done though."
"Are you going to call me tonight?
"Since you're at your mom's and I'm eating, how about I just call you tomorrow. When I'm done eating I'm aiming to go to bed. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that is fine. Lol. Now you're in my head! Did you really like meeting me? Or was that weird for you?"
"I really seriously liked meeting you. And thanks have fun at your mom's and a good rest of the night too."
"Okay. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night"
I'm not proud of it but yes I lied. I felt nothing good would come of saying No.
The next night she text "Are you sleeping?" that I ignored.
Then the next day she text "I was in a car accident this morning. I'm okay though. My car is okay too. Shitty day. Lol. I can't talk on the phone because I'll be going into a meeting shortly here. I could have been thinking about you in a bikini which is what caused it. I'm not sure. But I think that is what I remember."
Who says something like that?
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry I made you wreck. No more pics for you it's detrimental to your safety. Seriously though I'm so glad you're okay."
"What no! It doesn't work that way. I think in order to recover I need a pic."
"I don't know... I don't want you daydreaming while you're operating heavy machinery."
"Whatever. I don't think that's fair. I mean at least for my mental well-being... Like a few shots of cleavage every now and again. I think you're being very cruel on such a difficult day."
I sent her a pic though I seriously didn't want to. Yes, it was my choice and no it wasn't anything x-rated. I just hate when people whine like she just did. So I did it to shut her up but then didn't want to talk to her for the rest of the day... so I didn't.
That night she text "Oh my God, woman I'm leaving work now if you want to phone me. I have a few hours of work so I'm skipping the gym this evening." But when I didn't respond she sent another text saying "So we know what kind of guy you're attracted to but what kind of girl are you attracted to... Other than one you need to "save"? Lol"
I took this request seriously and answered her the next day with three pictures of the three women in my life I've been in love with and said I didn't send this earlier when I saw it because I didn't want to distract her at work but ...
"Here are the three women I have had a thing for. The first is the one I asked to marry me, the second is the girl I worked with that fucked with my head who is so hot, and the third is the girl who I was a girlfriend to officially. I have a thing for skinny blondes apparently if you're asking for looks-wise and personality-wise they were all needy. But I don't want you to get skinny, go blonde, or become needy. I like that you're independent, self-sufficient, and not needy. Yes, it does mean we probably won't get married plus I don't think you'd really want to be a co-parent with me... Or if you did it'd be out of love for me but not a love for raising kids. It means we will be awesome friends."
She text me with "Hey I'm done with work and just driving if you want to call." But I didn't want to and simply said that we were eating then going to bed.
She didn't leave it go though. That night she texted to see if I'd gone to sleep and when I didn't answer an hour later she replied to my text on what I like in girls and said "Okay so I finally read your chapter on ex-females. Lol. Okay 1. Yes, I agree we will be awesome friends too. 2. I would not marry you just to help you co-parent because I don't actually want to co-parent but I could grow to love you as I do most of my close friends. 3. I would be a person in your life who would help you if you were in trouble because I have the strength, brains, and ability. 4. The only problem with you not being attracted to me is that I already want to do naughty things to you for many hours nonstop or maybe several days in a row depending on whether or not we have access to Gatorade in many different positions with my most expensive strap-on or without it, whatever, it's just so you experience complete multiple states of bliss for very long extended periods of time and then write a poem about it 5. I do want to nurture the artistic side of you. 6. I really want to take you places on the weekend with me but I know that is not possible 7. Most of the places I want to take you may provoke desires in me to see you naked or cuddle so maybe we should scratch that idea 8. I will eventually turn you into a vegan 9. By the time we're awesome friends, you won't be afraid to be a vessel for the spiritual world 10. I feel like you deserve someone to worship you who doesn't abuse themselves. That's my official reaction to your comments prayers silly face.
I said nothing to this at this point. I wasn't in the headspace to unwrap all that in a fun silly way. So I answered her the next day after she text "Hey I'm driving if you're bored and want to chat."
"Well I was waiting to tell you that message last night made me smile so thank you but actually, I have to get my kid ready for karate so I have to call you later if I can but I'll text you while he's in karate. It starts at 6:00 so I'm about to get him ready. Hope you had a good day at work."
While at karate I said, "How was work?"
"It was good I just finished with my tattoo. I'll probably go work in the coffee shop now. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"About to eat a salad with fries."
"We had a late lunch today so it made for late dinner. As soon as we're done it's up to get ready for bed for them. I know you want to know what is going on with me but they define my life so while I know it's annoying, there just simply isn't anything going on besides what's going on with them. I'm glad you had a good day at work.
I said that because she had what am I doing in all caps in a way of saying she doesn't care about my kids she cares about me which ticked me off.
"Okay. So do you have time to call me later? It's okay if you don't by the way. You just went from calling every night to not so much. I mean, it doesn't mean anything but I was making sure it didn't piss you off."
"No, you didn't piss me off. It's just like I said before my life just revolves around my kids and when you and I first started talking I was blocking their father, now I have to let him talk to them and he is, in fact, talking to them so that's good... And now I am taking Logan back to karate which will be every Monday through Wednesday. In theory talking every night shouldn't be hard to do but sometimes life laughs at me and says otherwise. But we're all good as long as you're not mad at me."
Again I was in fact lying because again what would have been good about saying yes, you pissed me off.
t wo"Okay, that is fine. And by the way just so you know with every day that passes that I don't receive your assignment (something she came up with doing to spark my artistic motivation, however artistic motivation doesn't work that way with me) your punishment is going to get longer and harder... But I think we had this conversation before. And I want to know what you thought of my message other than it made you smile which doesn't tell me anything."
"I know and I'll give you my official answer as soon as I can."
Later I said "So I am honestly sorry that I can't be more for you and it truly has no bearing on whether I want to or not. I just simply can't. So to be respectful and not lead you on I simply said it made me smile. I sincerely loved everything you said and appreciated that you understand where my priorities lie and it was super cute that you used the number thing that I did in my profile. Hopefully, someday we'll be able to hang out for longer than a few hours but for now, a few hours here and there makes me happy. And I'm sorry also to say that no, I Don't! want to be vegan or even vegetarian. I enjoy eating meat from time to time and don't want to give that up. Also, I will become a "vessel" through meditation and yoga in time but not while I'm focusing on my kids. When they're older I will get back into that. I just truly like that they are my main focus right now, yes it drives me crazy and I need to get more me time but a little more not full-blown yet. I'll know when the time is right. That's my official answer Thank you! I'm off to bed now have a good night."
The next day I got... "Okay. This got heavy like real fast. I wasn't asking you to be anything to me. I thought we were going to be awesome friends and that if there was chemistry between us then we would as you said "just go with it" I wasn't even certain up until Friday if I even understood you or could hang out with you because I couldn't understand your behavior as I told you, but I always thought you were pretty. It wasn't until I met you that I even decided I was attracted to and comfortable around you. I feel like something got really heavy all of a sudden when I was trying to be flirty, fun, and playful in my message to you. And I thought you were being flirty and playful back with me... And I was joking about turning you vegan. I would never force my beliefs on someone. Or recruit them to my spirituality or whatever you keep thinking. Logistically there is no way for us to see each other for more than a few hours here and there and so I'm very confused about this text. I actually thought you would tell me you thought my message was sexy, fun, and made you laugh so that we were on the same page which I thought we were and then you would send me a cleavage pic or something like that in response. I explain to you before that I am in this stage where I am just dating women. For now, that is what I am doing. I am dating. No big deal. It's fun to experience different women and explore them but it's just dating and although sex is really intimate and I don't take it lightly with any one of them and I'm very respectful and I believe sexuality is really healing for people, it doesn't define me and I am not defined by them. I wouldn't change who I am or what I look like to become closer to you either and I think you know that. I'm so confused by you at this point. I'm back to where I was two weeks ago lol. Baffled. So if you don't want to be friends anymore, please explain this to me or what I said that was confusing to you.
The next day I said... "Sorry I purposefully waited till you were done to send this because it's long... I have respect not to want to interrupt your work. So... While I understand I sent you a pic of me, which was kind of coerced, I feel. I mean, I didn't really appreciate you jokingly blaming your car accident on thoughts of me, then making it like the only way to feel better was more thoughts of me. But when I said no more pics you kind of got "no fair" on me so I didn't object further I just sent it, but now I realize that's what you want in most situations... But I'm honestly not comfortable sending you all kinds of pics of me. That's why I really haven't. I don't want you to get super attached when this is only a friendship. I mean I don't send any of my other friends pics of me like that. Even those I flirt with. As for the vegan/belief stuff... I get that you say you don't push yourself on others. But in saying that, I'm not sure why you felt like bringing those up again in your 10 points? It's kind of contradictory to say you won't but then bring it up again. Then get mad that I simply said no again. And I wasn't being mean and saying no either just honest. Then when you said "what do I have to do to get you to fall in love with me so I can marry you " it kind of threw me off track. While I'm assuming you're going to say you were joking or being flirty... Plain and simple that threw me because I don't want to lead you on. I actually let that kind of go though, but then you asked what kind of woman I liked. So I took that as a serious question and I answered it seriously. Then when you called my answer a chapter and gave me a 10-point "official reaction" counter answer which I thought was cute and sweet trying not to read into it anything "heavy" and therefore I simply said it made me smile... But then you told me that that "didn't tell you anything" alluding to the fact that you wanted more. Which came after the "what are you doing" that was in all caps question, which I know you were just doing because I talk about my kids a lot, I get it. And you probably weren't yelling just using caps as emphasis, but it all garnered my response which no, wasn't flirty. Though it wasn't mean or "heavy" really either. It was just honest. Much as this message is too. I'm sorry I didn't give you the answer you wanted. I honestly didn't know there was a right or wrong answer till now. I didn't say I didn't want to be friends but I'm going to be clear now and saying just friends. I think you're looking more for flirty meaning friends with benefits and while I thought I could maybe, I realize I can't simply based on the fact that I want to be a mom in mom mode right now and so I just don't want to lead you on or seem unclear or send mixed messages. So I'm now just saying friends. I'm also sorry I'm such an enigma/confusing to you. I'm not trying to be. I hope you had a good day at work."
"Everything you said is okay with me and I completely understand."
"Okay cool. Thank you."
A few days later I texted her "Sorry for the distance lately. I have been spending all my free minutes talking to their father trying to work through things. Which we have been having some good conversations, knock on wood that it continues that way, so it's been worth it. Otherwise, I've been doing mom duty stuff. So I don't have much to say. I hope that your weekend went well and that your day at work went well too."
"Good! Maybe things will move forward. At least the kids will benefit. We had a really cool meeting with the people I hired to do our lighting and the showroom today."
"Exactly... That is why we are trying so hard. Your project really does sound amazing.
Now that was right before my birthday. She didn't text me Happy Birthday on my birthday so I didn't say anything to her for over a week and when I finally did I said... "I'm sorry for the extreme distance. I wasn't ghosting you. I have had a lot going on and I just haven't felt like talking about it. I was also a little surprised you didn't say happy birthday to me. It's not a big deal and I wasn't looking for anything besides a happy birthday. But my guess is that it became awkward. Which it kind of did. So to that end, because I don't believe in ghosting, I believe in having closure... I wish you well and good luck with your project at work. It was nice to have met you and I hope you do end up finding who you're looking for. I'm sorry I couldn't be her take care."
"There is no awkward about any of this and no closure necessary. I didn't want to wish you a Happy Birthday because I didn't know how to say "oh Happy Birthday and by the way, you can't have the custom-made expensive gift that you knew I ordered for you anymore? " I had already told you I got you a present so I just let it go because it's stupid to give you after what happened. I haven't texted you because I thought you needed space and that something about our interaction wasn't sitting well with you. Things are really more simple than you think. Thank you for the kind wishes."
I said nothing after this as I didn't want to continue on. I mean how did she get the impression I gave a shit about the gift. The gift meant nothing. How do you not even say Happy Birthday? I felt weird that she ordered me something anyway. Hence is why I never brought it up. So it was clear we simply weren't on the same page anymore.
Some for a season, some for a reason.