Noise For The Noise

Like many of us, finding moments of inner peace is a constant challenge for me. There’s always tiny battles going on inside that disrupt even the thought of searching for it.

For around seven years now, I have suffered with anxiety and depression.

For around seven years now, I have been playing music.

Even though I wasn’t aware of the pit I was falling into at the beginning, my instincts drove me to pick up my guitar (which had been sat gathering dust for a while) and actually learn it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, not really. More like a reflex, a defence mechanism my subconscious decided on to cope with all the hurt. As if some part of me knew I would need this outlet to keep on going. Picking up my guitar in this way is the single thing I am most grateful to myself for.

Flash forward to today and I am still very much a lost soul. Aren’t we all, though? I’m not ready to divulge the details of my everyday life and struggles, but of course, I can talk about how I let go of them. Over the seven years, my desire to make music has evolved exponentially. Now I find myself producing my own songs, as well as mixing and mastering them. I track guitars, bass and vocals. I use my keyboard to create beats and explore a universe of sounds. I write cathartic songs from scratch. I could easily go on and on about each individual one of these processes, the journey that I’ve been on, and will always be on, to better myself at each and every one of them. For the sake of keeping things concise (and readable!), I’ll talk about my experience when I’m producing.

I find it funny how the noise of my mind can be completely drowned out by the noise of a song that I’m making. That’s not to say it’s a sure fire way, every time, to grant absolute relief. If that was the case, I’d most likely only ever stop when I’m sleepy. Sometimes though, I’m able to lose myself completely in the music. This is the closest thing to magic I have ever experienced.

To paint more of a picture: it’s late, my light bulb is gracing my bedroom with a purple glow, my Pachira tree, Stevie, is looking extremely graceful…I’ve got my MacBook Pro and headphones on, my keyboard connected, Logic Pro open…I’ve constructed a beat, I’m introducing the synths, I’m feeling at one with the frequencies. You can also safely bet that I’m beaming wholeheartedly at this point, dancing, absolutely filled with elation. All thoughts of shortcomings, all the guilt I carry around, all the worries; they’re all gone. Drowned out to make way for sonic bliss. What a beautiful release. I know I can count myself lucky.

I’ll produce long into the night to sustain the feeling. To create music that I can vibe to.

Getting to a point where I am proud of a finished piece is another story, I’m talking strictly about the initial processes. The organic inceptions.

For me, it invokes the goddess of joy. Euphorsyne. I feel allowed to shed my sensitivity, be feminine, be myself.

The head bobs, the fist pumping, the vocalising of a synthesised melody that I should never really try to be vocalising. All a product of excitement, joy, and an expression of the passion I’ve been so lucky to find. These are not just moments where I feel inner peace, they are moments where I feel freedom. And a biproduct of feeling truly free; I believe, is to feel truly alive.

Life has tried to steer me in many directions thus far that I have not been able to make sense of. There have been many ends that I have not been able to make meet. Generally, in life, I feel very far from free. It is absurdly clear to me that I would rather die being a mediocre musician than die being an expert at anything else. No matter how far my music takes me by physical means, it always has my back emotionally.

I love making it with all of my heart.