My problem with birthdays 🥳🎂🎉

How to be comfortable.

This is a funny sentence. To me at least.

I remember getting sad about people around me having birthdays like it’s a big thing.

They got like presents and gifts for the people they loved the most and remembered along the way. That day. That one person would suddenly become the most important person there. The way they surrounded him/her. I might have been jealous.

Boring . Sad. Weird. Pointless and a waste of time.

To have that tradition. To feel like your birthday is special. It’s supposed to be a day to feel good about yourself. Instead, I’m stuck with sad blobs around me “de-hyping” my importance while I let my years of developed mentality to reassure myself of my self worth and realized that this day is as how I and the people I surround myself with would think.

I’m pretty sick of that. Especially when my Mama would hype me up about that day while my dad gave zero shit about it. No wait. He did. Only when that day arrives. But those interactions were so filled with guilt and shame. Somehow, not seeing him would be better for the both of us.

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I'm just rattling around as every kid would do if they got their first 20 dollar bill. I’d run into the cyber cafe or the park. To game or to snack. It’s just wonderful. While my pessimism slowly grows into me in my life.

This would magically stop all my worries. All my friends would just be nice to me , rather than being mean as we all are very serious and competitive about video games in general. Mama just being mama, and me just honestly having a good time being alive at that day.

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As a kid at heart, I still think that that day felt way much better even if I do the same shit I do everyday. Just the same repetitive fun and endless obstacles.

That day. The struggles felt so much more real. The joy. That day it felt so much more intensive. The pain, amplified as well as the rest of my life.

To think my mind craves that tuning is pretty cringe-y. And maybe that’s why I’ve internalized it as childish. Pointless and a waste of time. As you are celebrating, you might as well use that time to focus on making a living. To please the system. Hard-work beats talent and all that. As time goes by, so as my wealth and achievements. It just goes by. And I kinda just let it.

I’m told that I’m not tough enough. And yet. This just gets into my head and losing a few friends won’t mean a thing to me somehow.

And the next thing you know,

It’s me sitting on a bus on my way home. Trying to hold together the shame of being independent. The blurred lines between needing to be alone and just... Being alone. As I walk home, trying to debate in my head if what I did today was the best representation of what I really want out in life as myself and I froze.

It doesn’t matter. I'm sleeping in the worst bed of my life anyways. So why add to all my sufferings when I could simply... Reach out... If I needed to.

At that point. I’m laying down on that bedbug infested bed, making sense of my own sanity. It’s itchy as hell but won’t you know it. I'm actually somehow still able to get through all of it. Almost. All by myself.

The thrill of being adventurous is to just have the chance to try out new things. The adrenaline of your crippling self worth just ooozing out around you while you are trying to meet new people. It’s crazy how much energy you have to put into one person to really have, and I quote “A Healthy Relationship”.

All those half-assed relationships that I had... Felt forgiving. Because at least I knew what I was getting. We all have a role to play in things and yeah... I’d admit, I do fuck up sometimes. Being ghosted is not fun. But somehow. I’d do it to somebody else instead.

Sooooo.... All this digging. For what? For birthdays and relationships? Of course. Because why wouldn’t I be jealous? It’s normal to have a birthday party that is solely dedicated for you if you have cool enough friends that would make one for you. It’s totally fine to get all mushy and gooey about each other at that day especially if they have know you for awhile and took pleasure of having you in companied for that long.

It’s absolutely fine to show your affection to one another, that you truly love them and yet... Here I am. Being weirded out by the simplicity of being a loving person.

I cry myself every night to sleep (JK. I'd really feel like that soemtimes tho :( . ), knowing that one present I made wholeheartedly on Christmas in Primary wasn’t really the best move. It basically backfired and just made me look like a weirdo that over-gives gifts.

Until this day, I swear that is the reason I’d shame myself back to the cave I was in everytime I try to low-key build a connection with someone and often just do mind being around people in general. Or it’s just that I’m weird. And very low in self esteem. And very self aware, and that was a pretty mediocre gift that was filled with yummy treats and..... nevermind. The card. THE CRINGE ASS CARD THAT I WROTE.

(By the way, that's just secret Santa. but I'm somehow not over it yet.)

;(

I finally got it. And LOL, I might be cursed to feel *forever uneasy around people in general. But I too, would enjoy a good companionship. So yeah. I’m just often always wrong about people. :)

And if I repeat that hard enough.......

“It’s your birthday today. Do you want to play some rank ? ;P"

*OMG. THE CARD IS SO CRINGE LIKE, WOW, IS FOREVER. >< UGH.

Editors notes : 📝 🌱✨

Hello again ~ it’s been a long time since my last post. I’d argue that I’m more busier now, so here I am. Trying to still make THIS happen. So I feel like I’ll just leave consistency behind and bring it back when necessary.

Because to be honest. It’s not like I have a big following now, right? Hehe.

Instead, I’ll be investing my time into my project that I’ll slowly finish overtime. Like this one. Full time might be time consuming. But I always find ways. :)

Some music here. Some instruments to learn there. I’m still continuing my hobby writes . And I’m planing to do a little youtube with the ideas I just kinda throw in the pile for years in my notes.

It’s gonna be fun. So I’m pretty enthusiastic about it.

I know. It’s slow. But it’s still progress, right?

This is basil fresh🌿 ✨, and I’ll see you sprouts 🌱 later~ stay fresh guys!!!💦

:)