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Mr. Know-It-All

A Review of Mr. John Waters' Wise and Witty Memoir/Guide to Life/Everything in Between...

By Kendall Defoe Published 3 years ago Updated 12 months ago 6 min read
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The pencil mustache of...

Who is John Waters? The Prince of Puke? The Sultan of Sleaze? The Pope of Trash? I thought I knew the answer to that first question long before I read anything that he put between the covers of a hardback book. And yet, here I am, looking at a copy of “Mr. Know-It-All: The Tarnished Wisdom of a Filth Elder”, still baffled by the man and his work.

It all started with “Role Models,” his look back at the figures in life that inspired him to become the filmmaker, writer, artist, public figure and media celeb that he is (any book that includes Johnny Mathis, Cy Twombly and a former member of the Manson family is going to be an interesting narrative). Then, I read his speech given at the Rhode Island School Design that was published as “Make Trouble”. What was going on here? John Waters, the author of “Pink Flamingos” (a film with at least one scene that made it notorious and unforgettable - I dare you to click here), “Polyester” (the first of his films that made it onto television accompanied by something called a “Smell-0-Rama” card – mercifully unavailable at the time), “Cry Baby”, “Serial Mom” and “Hairspray” (probably his greatest claim to fame now as both a musical and a film remade for middle-class consumption), was becoming respectable. As he admitted in that RISD speech, the culture came to him, not the other way around. We have changed because of people like him.

Waters with his worst critic?

I have changed after reading this latest book. In its twenty-one chapters, we learn about success and failure (that last word should probably be in quotation marks), censorship, friendship, success…ship? (stretching it, I know, but I had to try). We get a biographical section that shows just how important it is to work on what you love and try to get the world to notice your work. And that is just in the first eight chapters.

And what comes next?

Opinions! Advice! And some of the most interesting ideas about food, travel, public speaking, sex, architecture, art and death that I have ever read. This is the true heart of the book; the section that reveals the real John Waters. Simply put:

1) Music: listen to what is new and recent (it is okay to be a fan of the music you grew up with, but to ignore what is new and burning up the charts today means that “your life is over. You are a fart.” (a direct quote, by the way)

2) Politics: protest until it hurts (he mentions Yippies – remember them? – ACT UP, the gay rights movement and several fantasies involving the invasion of countries with less than stellar laws or rights; quite a trip)

3) Food: again, his ideal restaurant is presented and I assume that someone, somewhere, is going to attempt to create a restaurant like Gristle one day (hasn’t it already happened?)

4) Travel: now, this was very revealing. He has a very interesting insight into what makes a hotel room work – hint: look at the garbage cans – and the differences between trains and planes (some obvious, others quite a surprise)

5) Public Speaking: I have to quote him here: “If you learn to speak in public, you will never be unemployed.” This is actually true, as long as you realize what your role is (he refuses to let poor ticket sales, illness and the strangeness of fans interfere with his job, that is, to talk and be heard).

6) Drugs: age ain’t nothing but a numbing agent. His experiments with all kinds of drugs at all kinds of ages should be a lesson for the timid of heart, like me. Also, I may try to listen to Dionne Warwick’s “Once in a Lifetime” if I ever decide to drop acid (Talking Heads’ version of the song might seem a bit too much).

7) Sex: now we are talking! Here you have a history of sex clubs, specifically the first locales of glory holes, auto-erotic clubs and the pre-AIDS moment when things were wonderful for Mr. Waters and his ilk (“The promiscuity that was so widespread and accepted in the sixties and seventies will never come back in the lifetime of anyone who is reading this book no matter how long it stays in print.”) Another brutal truth and a touching fact to read in a chapter that includes a photo of a membership application for a club called The Toilet.

8) Architecture: he almost lost me here. Brutalist design is best left in the science fiction movies based on Philip K. Dick novels. Again, he talks about his ideal choice of home and some of the terrible public mistakes made by architects who were not forced to live in the buildings they designed (Le Corbusier has a lot to answer for).

9) Vacationing: I should have expected this. Waters believes that you should take something called a “no vacation;” meaning “That’s when you work and relax and are never idle, bored, or unproductive for a planned period of time.” And that may be a perfect description of how Mr. Waters was able to create his own body of work. But it does not end there…

10) Art Collecting: anyone considering the fine recreations of Koko the Gorilla? Waters loves monkey art, and maybe you should too.

11) Andy Warhol: this section is written in the style of one of Warhol’s own run-on sentences in his transcribed books (imitation is a very sincere form of flattery). “Andy Warhol should be your own personal God.” And why not?

12) Doll Collecting: it would not be a real John Waters book if there was not at least one section that even I had a difficult time reading. He owns a lifelike baby doll referred to here as “my Son, Bill”. Even friends and family are creeped out by this, and rightfully so (have I mentioned that each chapter begins with a photograph and that this is the only one I wish I had skipped? No? My bad…and Waters).

13) Death: can you think of a better conclusion? Not only does he talk about the types and loss of friends and family in his own life, but also how to avoid it (really? Yes!). Again, all a fantasy, but he does present an honest view of how he would like to be interred and what the proper etiquette for your final moments should be (no fan of suicides or atheism here: “atheists dress badly...they are a dreary lot.”

Any atheists in the room? Anyone?

All of these thoughts and opinions come under titles such as Bye-Bye Underground, Clawing My Way Higher, Sliding Back Down, Overexposed, and One-Track Mind, with one of the most detailed Sources pages I have seen in an age. And photos and sketches of various figures and stages in the life of one of the most interesting minds I have encountered on the page. If Mr. Waters decides to only write books for the rest of his life, I will be a happy man.

He knows…

*

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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Kendall Defoe

Teacher, reader, writer, dreamer... I am a college instructor who cannot stop letting his thoughts end up on the page.

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