Lovely Pain

I can feel it, my heart is heavy and my eyes burning from the tears that passed through them a few hours prior to this moment. Choking on my nerves and the rock in my throat. While the knots in my stomach twist ever so gradually. Am I more afraid of what I will find or what will happen if I get caught finding what I don't want to know? Vulnerable and exposed, our skin touching, I slip out of his covers.

He keeps his phone just out of comfortable reach, by the foot of the bed on the floor. Can guilt out way rage? I don’t desire to have these urges to search for what I feel like is hidden, behind that blacked out screen. But I demand answers. I sit isolated, hunched over, and numb. It is always a constant loop in my mind. I can replay the joyful and cherished memories like they happened just minutes before. Then the reel runs out and the flickering faded screen lies empty. Emerging from there is a dark figure, who I feel like I know, but it isn’t who it should be. A romantic, sweet boy transformed into this unrecognizable creature.

I reach and recoil back, an action too natural. Privacy is a sensitive subject, but I don’t care. I pick up the device and it feels slick from the sweat on my palms. You made it too easy my love, your birthday backwards. Slightly disoriented by the bright light that flashes, I lie down on my stomach and begin digging. Love, is a burning thing.

Dead. My mind, my body, my everything draws back and I have a sensation beyond numb. I couldn't help, but not feel at all for a moment. Then it hits me like another slap to the face and the tears flow. My face remains still as the tears roll down my cheeks. There was his usual cast out line when fishing for a new “meal” you could say. Which entailed his plan on leaving me, because I am not as great as they are and whatever side notes he added. But I’ve never stumbled upon the words I, love, and you, all in that order. I can’t scream because I'm not even suppose to be here. I can’t run because my body is floating off somewhere else. I do nothing.

The loop starts again, happiness pushes its way though my face to force out more tears. My head is throbbing and my heart dismantled. I begin to feel again. Standing as best as I can, gripping onto the side of the mattress. Phone in hand, naked and destroyed. The rush of overwhelming feelings floods every inch of me. I begin to sob ever so lightly, whispering words of disbelief.

The beast awakens.

It’s dark in the small room, the only light was from a street lamp in the distance. The yellow glow was disfigured by the fog outside and the rain drops on the window. A shadowed figure breaks the light and arises onto his knees. His dark skin had this glow around it, outlining his muscles and his messy spiked hair. It almost looked like a halo caressing him. If it were any other moment I'd be awe with love of the shape of his whole being. It all happened so fast, the next thing I knew I was back on the ground with him hovering over me.

I could feel his grip, and I could feel his anger. I can’t recall the exact movements that lead me to being face down huddled in a ball, but there I was. He grabs my hair and pressed my cheek to the carpet. His face is now inches from mine. He's whispering words of offense into my ear, with such intensity and a light tone of annoyance. I can feel his breath get hotter with every insult. Hell was rising from his soul, and the manipulations began.

I can’t be in disbelief of his actions because I caused him to say what he did. I should have known better than to look through his phone. He loves me so much. I made him feel unloved, so he had to tell another girl he loved her. I fall. I feel the guilt. I agree with the lies being silently scolded into my ear. He has to condition me now, to know not to ever do what I did again. For my wrongs I must accept my punishment. Like a bad dog, I looked down, ashamed that I went against my master and then it begins.

It’s cold and heavy, the pain was excruciating. Every time it hits my skin it sends a shock to every nerve in my body. I silently scream, because who know what will happen if I go beyond the allowed decimals granted to me. I receive two warnings lashes from the belt buckle and one more so I remember not to be a bad girl. My body is trembling and I soundlessly cry out for help. He gets up and the weight of his body taking a little bit of my dignity with it. I feel him pick me up and lay me on the bed. For a second I feel slightly comforted by his arms. The warmth of the blanket is laid over my damaged body.

As I look up I see my love smoothing my hair back and wiping the tears from my eyes. He leans in close, I can feel his lips brush my earlobe as he whispers the words “I love you.” As his face returns to my range of vision, he is smiling. The loop begins, yet again, as I feel him work his way back into bed.

This scene begins to record itself in my mind, and once it's done the happy ones begin to play as I fall asleep next to the love of my life.