Just Innocence

Just Innocences, Just happens and Just being.

Twisting through a world that wants us to be something.

Tangling ourselves through the idea that we have to be something.

Twisting and teaching our own children to change into something.

Growing up in a family that I do not at all feel like I fit into because I never completed a day of university. I didn’t sit still at school. I cried to be contained between 4 walls 5 days a week.

But ever day I now allow myself to learn a lesson that the University of the universe hands to me.

Growing up in a family that believes in words, and paper. To ‘be something’

My mind works in images, the words confuse me, and honestly make no sense to someone that lives and prays by the word.

Dreams twist with beautiful images and ideas that no one else can see. But I can trust these pictures as I trust the universe.

Without the understanding of words, my artwork and my words grow into poems, they dance they sing but they sometimes let me down.

I have to apply for art awards, with words.

I have to fill out forms, with words

I have to live life in a world of… words

My little letters slip out of order.

And to ‘important’ people,

Doctors,

Psychologists,

Bankers,

Teachers,

Any big money management….

Can not read or understand my message. Ever.

So they have to dull me quickly

I have been turned off mentally by the pharmaceutical industry.

A pill to stop my period for 20 years, to stop the bleeding, to stop the feeling of being a woman.

Without knowing the side effects, but someone that’s been to university that has that piece of paper believes that this will make them money to make me ‘better’. When really the only thing that was wrong is I wasn’t paying them money that they wanted.

I cried, I felt life, I was on a roller coaster.

I had new babies. Hard Babies. Instead of support the pharmaceutical industry saw me as a dollar sign.

Antidepressants, anti life, a nothingness floated over me.

I lost the feeling of love, I had no more tears, and no dreams. A vague step, a step not going ahead, a step not going backwards, and I feel like I was tossing money into the sky at nothing.

While living in this world, I had people try and walk over me. They enjoy telling me how much better they are, how amazing they are. And how worthless I am… Well done.

Money,

She won’t pay more for the pills, let’s fill her with more self doubt. The pills are still in the cupboard with a what if I need them. You need money to feel the happiness, you need money to fill yourself with more. You need money, make up to be better and beautiful.

I don’t need your lies any more. I need my dreams and my tears.

We are becoming something that we honestly believe the universe wants us to be.

When really we are pushing the universe away from our hearts.

It is a time for me, a time to watch the daisy flowers grow, tangle and spread the innocences of love.

I plant this flower, and let it spread, to remind me of who I am, I am allowed to be me.

Older and ‘wiser’ we are meant to get.

All I have seen is I have forgotten how to have fun, how to be pure and who I am.

To my children, to my daughter and son. The sun will shine and teach you more than a classroom.

You don’t want to drag your pencil along a line. I get it and Its okay. IT IS SO OKAY!

Within the walls of my home. We love, we can breath and we smell the daisies. And we never just colour between the lines!

Not school report matters.

No doctors report on the way your mind needs changing matters.

Feel the ray on sunshine, each glittering speck of sunshine.

The wetness of the rain, the smell of rain hitting the road.

When was the last time you lived?

We are turning off, switching off your judgement. I DO not care if your fart doesn’t smell, because we are smelling the daisies in the sunshine.

STOP the Labels, please now! Stop and start to accept some people are just Daisies enjoying what the universe is giving them .

Because my daisies you are you.

The Making, The marking the Art:

I have been using my phone to take and make art for over the last 5 years.

The access to capture the universe is so simple.

I made the swap from the DSLR 5 years ago, with 2 monkeys playing running and loving the world I do not want to miss out, so I can pull out my phone snap and then put it away again. So I do not find myself losing myself for the moment.

I do love to mix my hand made, paint under my nails with a touch of digital.

I use my iPad to draw over top of my photos as well, and a touch of photoshop or photoshop express to finish the photos, to add brightness and punch. Or soften the noise on the image.

Once paint drys, its like the pill, it goes dull. I do not like losing the life of the colour.

One photo can mix, and side in with another. And change the meaning of the piece.

I can add my words that are spelt wrong, and stir it in like baking a cake.

Over January, since my daughter was born I take a photo every day of my kids. I take them with my professional photographer hat on. Otherwise they miss out.

This is my 1st year not charing up the lug of a digital camera and used my phone.

Its been a different challenge, my phone I have to really think of the layout of a professional photo and not just a happy snap.

And I still forget some days the same as my BIG camera.

I will keep mixing, painting, and making.

For my own well being and to hopefully open up someones understanding, that the labels the pills do not fix me, but I live a different sweet and innocent world.

And at the end:

I am well.

I am happy and I meditate, make art, and take time to look after my mental health. I have been back to the pills & and off, and back on a number of time, UNDER THE guidance of my doctors, psychologist and most important my naturopath.

Please contact your paper loving doctor before taking yourself off any pill! Everything has a reason and a moment.

This is just my story. ALWAYS SEEK medical advice.

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