Journal 9 1 2021

I exhale completely and hold the lack of air. I let this resonate. The ticking of a clock. The screaming of the lungs. I stare into the portal and reclaim my place. I can not go back. For this I am sorry. I know how awful it is to be devoured by this fucking world. Do not fret. I believe I will return. I pull the pin and toss the grenade upon the ship soaked in kerosene. The fire was something out of hell and raged even after the sun came up. I will not go back.

So here we are again. Lost amongst the depth of this white page. Somehow calling to me. I am infinite here. In this strange place. I am also alone. Without you everything falls apart. Sort of a bird without a feather.

You do this every time. You dig. You tear into it and then approach with violent malice. You refuse peace as an option because you like the vicious cycle of ash and fire. A wicked prayer that has left a mark resembling doom growling in the wood. I can still feel it here. The ghost of myself begging for mercy after sacrificing his self to allow me to be born. I can't get the noise loud enough and my bones are cracking. I have lost control of this storm you swore we could weather. I spit blood as if it is owed to the cost of the future unfolding. Do not be mistaken. I will die about this. I will live this fully. I remember when you forced me to know my worth. I remember never coming home. The demons buried you alive.

I found my way through to a place as above so below. I was at the edge of what I could perceive and witness. I took one last moment to feel what you said to me. I watch as I abandoned you. I will not forgive you for that. I do understand. We both had to make a choice. I leaned into the void and fell. I dissolved into nothing but energy in vibration. I found my home in the chaos of reformation in the mind. It's crowded in here. Static floods in and drowns the ability to focus. I begin to burn it all down again.

I feel safest when I am lost in the tragedies of others. It hurts me to see the reflection of my truest self. I locked it away to rot away. Somehow it still lingers. Barely anything remains. I am not done.

Look we knew tonight would be wretched. I can not ignore this task at hand. I dig into the grave. I pierce the earth with rusted metal. A symbol of a boy who swung aimlessly in the wind. I feel the blood yearning to embrace the vivid validations of rebirth. This place is going to break and time is merely a false idol. I hope you recognize the consequences of freeing the mind. It is the portal to the soul buried in dust by the enemies unseen.

Through the roots and the rocks I find the bones of my ancients. A series of failures who passed down lessons and powers. In this I am humbled by visions of the crown bestowed upon me. It's shame and torment are real. Villages devoured and people sacrificed. have you ever endured family abandoned? Have you ever seen brothers slain by their own hands? I never seem to shake the vicious curiosities of why. Forget it keep pushing through. The rain joins us once more shape shifting the dirt to mud. The leaves purr as they find comfort in this gravestone ritual. Only wishing to ease the suffering of this space.