I Leave You With This

She was the last thing I clearly thought about before I died. Every detail was precise; creating a phantom of her next to me that I knew I couldn’t actually touch. I couldn’t trace the crescent-like lining of her vitiligo that peaks from above her left ear, trailing towards between her lips to the back of the right side of her jaw, or kiss her after. I couldn’t wipe the tears from her spectral eyes and I couldn’t say goodbye. I knew this was going to happen, that they would kill me, so I planned ahead. She’ll find my letters and she’ll have me in her hands. I rather her treasure me as paper than as a memory of my limp and empty shell. She’ll find my letters.

* * *

03/05

I found a reason to talk to her, the girl with distant dead eyes

Bouncy strawberry blond hair and smooth skin that both is and isn’t fair.

The one that stares in my direction but not at me so she never sees me staring back.

Her, whose presence in close proximity makes my palms clammy and my stomach hurt.

I talked to her, finally, about

Drugs.

-You bought an eighth of weed and four Adderall. Depressant and uppers. You smiled at me when you said thank you and I stuttered back, “h-hit my line any-ny time”.

04/20

Something is wrong and I think I know what

Is under that turtle neck that she’s worn all week;

It reeks of hidden bruises and broken ribs.

When you wince with every deep breath something is wrong.

I know what you’re covering up.

I used to used my hoodies the same way and today,

Instead of picking up, you went straight home.

-Where you go after school? Who are you going home to..?

05/02

In class when asked about her black eye she replied with “I slipped.”

And they believed her but I know,

those tired eyes are screaming the truth over her lies but they don’t see it.

I can read the reality of her discolored discoloration.

The story it tells triggers memories of my mother, my abuser, my blood

betrayed me and that’s how I can see you for what you really are.

Trapped and

I want to help

-I have a plan that may or may not work, but God, I hope it does.

05/05

As we sped away from her house, broken free, she laughed wildly.

Now she is sleep on my shoulder; there is no space between us anymore.

So I am trying to control the shivers that this contact is creating.

She knows my real name now and she can know whatever she wants when she wakes.

I’ll tell her everything,

This is right.

-You can trust me. Don’t be afraid to open up. Please.

09/29

This will be a letter not a poem:

Lunnah-Crest, Eclipse, babe.., I’m sorry. I know that that doesn’t make sense now but I did something that I can’t tell you about yet. Maybe not ever. What I can reveal is that I made a bad deal in Hollywood, I think I bit off more than I can chew and I don’t want them to know about you. That why I never visited you at your new job. I can’t stop selling. In fact I need to sell more. Fuck, I want so badly to tell you how scared I am, to say these things to you, but I can’t. I need you to be just as brave as you are for the both us now. I love you. I’ll see you later tonight.

10/15

(Another letter: )

My dear, they are going to kill me. They are going to “arrest” me and take me somewhere out of their jurisdiction to dispose of me properly. Never trust the police, Eclipse, all cops are dirty cops. You’ll be safe though, they still don’t know who you are and they never will. I don’t have much but what I do have is yours now. Don’t go looking for me and don’t do anything too stupid. I’m so sorry Lunna, this isn’t how I wanted to leave you. I didn’t want to leave you at all truly, but I fucked up and I can’t fix this and I refuse to bring you down with me.

10/16 3:54 AM

I have been dancing on the moon loving you.

God, I’m so in love with you but I have to say goodbye.

I don’t want to go but I made a mistake that will cost me the life I had wanted to share with you. I won’t have a funeral, don’t want one, no need. You’d be the only one there anyway. You were all I truly had and it pains me more than the pressure of my impending demise that you’ll wake up alone tomorrow. Because I know I was all you have too. And I’m so fucking sorry, Lunnah-Crest. I can’t express enough how badly I don’t want this or how sorry I am and how infuriated I am with myself for being so fucking stupid.

I have loved you since the day you jumped off Bruce’s roof to run away with me and I will until you forget about me. And I hope that one day, in happiness, you do forget me.

I’ve been seeing your mother when I trip and she told me to say:

Wewe una nguvu kuliko wengi, kuliko mimi. Nakupenda

Kwaheri, I will miss you