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I Feel You, Bruh

by Lindsay D'Anne Wallace 3 months ago in fact or fiction

in this case

Dan THE man,

I didn't know how to reach you. Who the hell am I kidding? I won't trip. I just couldn't find the courage to say the three words I needed to, and say them the way I wanted to. See, I had to make amends, be honest with myself, and then I tried to be honest with you. I was stopped but this letter won't be. There's nothing they can do to hurt us anymore. By the time you read this, I'll have been deployed, and you'll be happier than you ever imagined you could be, without me. Remember the lyrics you sent me (you're fucking obsessed with Alanis, boy! I thank God I had some influence on the music you love)? Well, I support your decision to move on. At least I'm not trapped anymore. Stuck in my old ways where I would've found every reason to hate the separation only because you weren't supposed to be mine, but the worlds.

You were right about everything. I loved you from the moment I saw you. I ran from you because you ran toward me. I hated myself. For some strange reason, you saw me, and that scared the shit out of me. You didn't judge me at all when I shared my story. You just wanted to love on me. I thought you were crazy, and I told myself you were like all the other guys out there.

I got all of your messages. I read them over and over in secret. I listened to your music. I wrote you letters that I had no intention of sending. You were all over my journals, in my dreams, and on my mind. I watched you over the internet. I saw you get with that girl I knew I would personally pop off if I got the chance. Then I got my wish, hearing from some friends that you were taking this renegade Jesus approach, and never getting married again after I sent you that text about your wife's lies. Your courage astounds me. You're too genuine and precious for a trick like that! You're too good. Too damn good for me. You were so out of my league and you wouldn't have believe it. You never will, will you? Damn, sometimes I hate your love for me.

I'm sorry about my Mom. The guilt she has eats her up inside. As you probably already know, manifested her crippling disease.

You're too smart for your own good, ya know. I know you found me, too. I know it sent your head spinning one more time. I'm not there. It was my home, but I couldn't stay. Enclosed in this letter is the deed. It's yours, along with a little cash to go save the world with. Don't tell anyone about it, dumbass! You keep giving the shirt off your back, leaving you naked (yum, but NO!) and cold. I know you will plant beautiful flowers and trees in deserts with it. Redesign and deliver!

Know that I wanted to keep you safe and warm. Getting you fat, happy, and making you the father of seven was my fantasy! You would have made the best step-dad for my kids. They loved you, and asked about you after they met you. Still want me? I thought so. Damn you!

I'll be watching over you. You already know the place is wired, you just don't know I've hacked the line, and know every move these plastics are making. Their tactics are so basic. You've got nothing to worry about. I've got people who know people who are pals with some crazy mutha fuckas, and they know who you are. I wouldn't go until I knew you were going to be taken care of. It's the least I can do for how you made me feel...seen.

God loves you and so do I, Dan.

All my love,

Jean

fact or fiction

Lindsay D'Anne Wallace

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Lindsay D'Anne Wallace
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