I couldn't be Scrooge McDuck

I've been watching a lot of Disney+ lately. I mean, I've been doing it since the service launched. It's not like there's been a lot else to do inside. My girlfriend and I have adapted a morning routine where we can (Even when the mornings start in the early afternoon), which is essentially a Saturday Morning Cartoon simulator where every day is Saturday Morning over breakfast with the addition of existential dread.

So yeah, Disney+ has been a savior in some regards. All hail the monopoly of the overlords. I'm a sucker for ecosystems though - attached at the hip to the whims of Apple, delivering every object under the sun and content into my eyes through Amazon, and all the franchises I hold near and dear to me being hoovered up by Disney.

Tim Cook, Jeffrey Bezos, Bob Iger (or is it Bob Chapek?)...it's not these rich billionaires I live under the umbrella of, though. It's Duckberg's own Scrooge McDuck.

Forbes estimated Scrooge's net worth in 2017 to be $65.4 billion. Which doesn't make him the richest of the CEOs, but then again, I'm sure the exchange rate from Duckberg is something else.

I've been enjoying my time watching the reboot to the Ducktales franchise on Disney+. I used to watch the original cartoon when I was younger and played the old video games, but watching the show now makes me realise one thing.

I couldn't be Scrooge McDuck.

Throwing out the obvious off the bat - I am not a duck. Duckberg is definitely an inclusive city where ducks and dogs and mice and more all get along, but I'm not sure if they'd have me as a member. The one time I have seen humans in the show, it was a nightmare sequence, so the jury's still out on my place in Duckberg's society.

If I did however find my way into Duckberg and Great British Pounds worked super favourably in their exchange rate, there's the issue of the state of wealth in Duckberg. Being rich is of course a status symbol, but it's also a well-published race. To be the richest duck in Duckberg - or human, if like I said, I was allowed into this socierty - is a fight that's not exactly worth the trouble.

Scrooge McDuck is effortlessly ahead of the game, but everyone from Flintheart Glomgold (the second richest duck in Duckberg) to an entire menagerie of other baddies go out of their way one method or another to pip Scrooge to the post. If I came into money and went to Duckberg it's tough to be a neutral party. I couldn't be Scrooge McDuck but I definitely couldn't join the bad guys trying to steal Scrooge's money or otherwise use unseemly methods to make even more money than him...

What if I joined forces with Scrooge McDuck? Pooled our money together, convert all my money into gold coins and add to Scrooge McDuck's money bin? Well that's the biggest dilemma. I said it before in my reflections on if I could be a deep-sea diver: I can't swim.

And half the joy of being rich in Duckberg is being able to swim in piles of your own money. Scrooge McDuck makes it seem like child's play. Jump on in, the water's fine. Except the water here is solid gold, so breaking the surface of the water is immediately several times harder, and swimming in this kind of pool is a drowning hazard and a choking hazard. I don't see how Scrooge McDuck can bend physics like that to his whim. Yes, that is where I draw the line.

What if we reign victorious over the forces of Magica De Spell and Scrooge invites me for a victory lap of our combined net worth? At least I have the funds ready to pay for my funeral. If magic doesn't kill me, it's the precious gems I accidentally swallow trying to spit them out like a stream of water I've held in my mouth.

If I make it that far, to the state where I'm the closest to being Scrooge McDuck without being Scrooge McDuck, where we're best friends, victorious over all, I'm a trusted babysitter for his nephews he's already babysitting over, we're the joint richest people in Duckberg, key to the city, all that...

...How do I become Scrooge McDuck? It's impossible, and not in a methaphyicial way. Maybe I could dress like him. Wearing trousers is overrated. Top hats aren't worn enough these days. I could go on adventures like him. I've watched the Indiana Jones trilogy countless times. I know how traps work. I don't have a fear of flying. I mean, I'd rather not have Launchpad McQuack be my pilot because, you know, I do have a fear of crashing...But then again the options for pilots who aren't Launchpad include Baloo from Jungle Book branching out into business, or Monterey Jack from Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers and a) He's a mouse and 2) The only Monterey Jack I care about is the cheese when it's in a burger.

The real reason I couldn't be Scrooge McDuck is he is much like his Dickensian namesake. Scrooge McDuck is a penny-pinching horder of a duck who could literally rub nickels to make a dime, but he wouldn't spend a single penny. You don't become the richest Duck in Duckberg spending all your money. Or at least, you don't unless your investments into adventure profit tenfold. Scrooge McDuck has that star business acumen. I, on the other hand, like to spend my money.

In reality, if I cashed in all my funds and made it to Duckberg, I'd be comfortably rich for weeks. Months if I'm lucky. It's being a sucker to ecosystems raring its ugly head. Disney, Amazon, Apple. Being in Duckberg, that also brings in McDuck Enterprises, Waddle, Glomgold Industries. In the world of Ducktales, and in the world of reality, I am not the self-made man. I'm the sucker for capitalism. I'm pretty sure most of us couldn't be Scrooge McDuck. We're the reason we have Scrooge McDucks in the world.

Unfortunately, they're not as fun, adventurous, or whimsical like our man man Uncle Scrooge. That's what happens when you can't get your exercise through swimming through piles of your own money. I bet Bezos has tried it, though. No man that rich and not spending enough of it to save the world has tried it.

I will never be Scrooge McDuck. I will never be that rich. Maybe if I cashed in all that crypto I bought during lockdown. Or the shares in companies Reddit convinced me to get. There really isn't any way to be Scrooge McDuck except this:

Being smarter than the smarties and tougher than the toughies.

And this entire spiel is what my mind goes through every morning as I sit down over breakfast, watching a 2010s Disney animated reboot to a cartoon I watched in the 90s where the hero is voiced by Doctor Who.