How much is Love?

Love truly doesn’t cost a thing. they’re free, they are cheap, and you can love anyone you like without breaking any rules.

I never expected to fall in love. I never expected to get so far into it, but I did. I fell deeply in love with a boy. one who was the complete opposite of me.

in all my years of living alone I have found comfort in only having two other people in this world. one I loved dearly, my family, and the other I didn't even know if he cared about me. but as the days passed by I became more sure than ever that he would not be able to see what I had seen. or even care enough for what I had lost.

I didn’t realize how much pain I had been putting myself through until I met this new boy.

and while it felt nice to finally find someone that truly understood me, it also made me feel lonely. It seemed that everything else in my life, including the friendships I had built over the last few years, was being taken away.

It takes much to make me cry. What makes you cry when your heart just feels so empty and broken? What will it take before you break out of your shell and reach out to the people around you?

What makes you cry because there's no one around to help you?

Because of this feeling can understand how people could say I was too cold. too closed off. Too emotionless. But then again, what would be wrong with that? Maybe I should go back to being cold instead of emotional. After all, it keeps me safe. And safe means no one gets hurt.

And while it may sound strange at first, I do want to keep everyone happy. Especially when people mean the absolute world to me.

I still wish I had told him that. I wish I had told him everything. I wish we had grown closer together. or rather, I wish I would have grown closer to them. I think deep down inside I wished for more than that. but I guess I was afraid to open up and risk the possibility of losing him.

Or maybe I wasn't afraid of losing him. maybe I was afraid of letting him in. maybe I was afraid of opening up to someone else. Maybe I'm afraid of letting anyone in. Even if it's just for a little while.

And maybe I should try harder next time, huh?

maybe next time I can let things slip. Tell him I'm hurting too deeply to speak. Maybe someday he'll understand. I hope he does, at least some part of the time.

But he won't forgive me for lying to him. That much I know. Maybe he won't forgive me for leaving him. But I'll make sure to come back someday, right? I'll make sure to tell him. So maybe I'll always have something to hold onto in the end. And maybe that is enough for now. For us. For now and one day I'll see his face. And I'll feel whole again. And then I'll give him everything he wants and deserve. All he needs. and when that day comes, I promise to be good. to not lie, cheat or steal anymore. To stop trying so damn hard and be honest for once. To stop hurting so many others just to protect me from hurting them back.

I wonder if I've done enough. If maybe I've already said too much. Or do everything I should have. But even though I know deep down I have changed, I feel like I haven't. Not yet anyway. Not in the way I need to.

If I knew what I needed to do, do I know how?

Because if I knew, would I be here? Right now?

In the dark, the rain sounds like music. And somehow, that makes me smile. It sounds beautiful tonight. Like nothing, I'd ever heard before. I feel like I am on top of the world and yet completely and utterly helpless. Like I am drowning and I don't know why.

I don't think I'd make it a lot further.

I don't believe in fate. Not really. And not necessarily in magic either. Because those aren't real things you can change with a simple spell, but if anything, they're the furthest thing from reality.

There's only one thing that I know for certain:

Love makes people crazy. Makes you selfish. Makes you blind to reality. Made you believe it's okay to push yourself, to take every opportunity and push yourself to your limits. Made you feel invincible. Made you believe you were invincible.

So, yes, I'm scared to lose someone else.