Help Me

I hurt so bad. You would think that I would be numb to the pain by now. The punches and beatings I can handle. They came so frequent. If I wasn't being beat I worried about what was to come. Scared of my own shadow, flinching every time he touched me, wanting him and hating him at the same time.

Ever been physically abused by somebody? When you want every blow to be the last. Thinking that if you received just one final punch that killed you, the pain would finally end. Ending your life and the fear of another human having so much control over you. Ending the shame you learn to call your friend. Shame is the only friend you have. He has seen to it that you have no contact with real friends or even your family. You have no self-worth anymore, existing only in being a puppet on a string.

You don't even look in the mirror, for fear of having to face yourself. How did I let this happen, you wonder. No confidence anymore in the person you once were. Stripped of ever again being anything or anyone another person might want. You know that you are stupid because that is what he tells you every chance he gets. To think of being anything but his punching bag is foolish. At least when he hits you, the pain he inflicts reminds you, that you are human.

I am not sure what made me want to escape this cycle. Was it God? No, pretty sure he gave up on me a long time ago. Maybe he is right and I am nothing. The desire to flee from him has started to grow in my chest. It started the other night as a spark inside me. He hit me so hard that I was sure he broke a rib or two.

The next day as I was slowly walking around his home, the spark started to ignite in me again. It was like a match being struck to start a flame. A thought enters my head and my heart skips a few beats. He is at work and I have five hours until he returns. Do I dare? Do I dare unlock the front door and run.

I have no money. Money would require having a job. He won't allow that. I have no car, we have only one and it is his. No money, no car, no friends or family I can go to for help. What am I thinking? He is right, I am stupid. Stupid for allowing this to happen to me. I have no one to blame but myself.

He is wrong though, I do matter in this world! Even though I am absolutely terrified of him finding me, I have got to try. Or at least die trying. Okay, so I am going to go out the front door now. I say a huge prayer that God has not forgotten me. If I were to look back then he wins. I can't let him win anymore. I open the door and my heart is pounding, I am so scared. I feel for certain he is watching me. I have been smart enough to leave my phone on the kitchen counter. I am pretty sure he has put a tracking device in it. I take a deep breath, adjust my goofy looking sunglasses, and shut the door behind me. I then start to walk.

It seems as if I have been walking for days, but I know it is just my fear whispering in my ear. The school buses have come and gone, and in about an hour or so, he will be home and find me gone. This thought has me pick up my pace and I begin speed walking. I am getting hungry, but that is just too bad. I have to continue to suffer a little if I plan on getting as far from him as possible.

Having left the neighborhoods, I find myself walking through a town. The town is busy with people trying to get to their homes. I walk as close to the buildings as I can, wanting to become one with the crowds. It is nearing dinner time and I know he has discovered my absence by now. I need to further distance myself from him.

Walking rather quickly, with survival pumping through my veins, I spot a truck stop up ahead. I have never had to put my trust in a stranger before, but my options are limited now and I have no choice. The parking lot is half full of semi-trucks. I go inside the station and find the restrooms.

I use the toilet first. I then splash my face with some cold water from the faucet. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer as I leave the restroom. I go back outside to search for my ride out of here. I watch a few drivers get in their cabs and drive away. I start to lose my nerve and then I see a harmless looking man walking to his cab so I approach him.

He seems happy to help and agrees to take me with him. I quickly explain how I have no money to offer him, but he just smiles and tells me it's fine. We start driving and he asks if the radio is too loud. It sounds like some Christian station. "No sir," I tell him. "It's nice to listen to, it reminds me of a lifetime ago when my mom would take us to church."

I fell asleep. Exhausted from my escape and all the walking I did. It takes me a minute to get my bearings. I feel safe with this stranger and more like my old self again. The self I was before I got messed up with that crazy man.

We start talking as he continues to drive. He tells me all about his wife back home. They have been married for 33 years. They have two sons that are all grown with families of their own. They have a nice farmhouse out in the country. This is actually his last trip and then he's retiring to stay and enjoy their life together on the farm.

Feeling at ease with him, I share what led me to be at the truck stop. He listens quietly with no judgement or ugly comments. When I finish my story, he just asks what my plans for the future are. "I honestly have no idea," I tell him. "I still never thought I could ever get away from him, let alone start a new life."

He continues to drive and we listen to the radio. Both lost in our own thoughts. He pulls into a truck stop to refuel. I get out too, needing to use the restroom. He hands me a 20 and asks if I can grab us a couple sandwiches and drinks after my restroom stop.

I find us some sandwiches and drinks and return to the truck. We get back in and head out on the road again. While we eat he tells me he called his wife and told her about me. "She wants to meet you," he says. "Would you mind coming to the farm with me and meeting her?" I don't know what to say, I am a little surprised by the request.

"After all your kindness towards me," I find myself saying, "how could I say no."

We travel in silence for a few more hours. Then he pulls onto a dirt road that leads to his home. He parks the truck and his wife rushes out to greet him. We meet for the first time, but I feel so at home with her. I feel like I belong. She has prepared a wonderful meal for her weary travelers. We laugh and I cry over the joy of their kindness and acceptance of me.

Thanking God for my great new friends. I cannot describe how blessed I feel. Thinking that I was nothing when I left my past behind. I now feel that I am right where I belong.