Haphepobia

Haphephobia. A big word for something most people would consider a small issue. But to me, it is a lot more than that. According to a lot of people, I am faking it, it is not real, it does not make sense. But considering my past, this fear makes sense to me. Haphephobia is very real and can be debilitating, especially since the only successful cure is exposure therapy. It is the fear of physical touch. No matter how often I visit the therapist or attempt to get closer with people, I still cannot seem to overcome my natural instinct to pull away.

I was diagnosed with it after I was taken from my birth parents and placed in foster care when I was seven. Now, I am an adult of twenty years old and still suffer when someone touches me. There was nothing for it, I thought, looking at my computer. Thanks to this fear, I became a shut-in coder, focusing solely on building websites for my foster father’s company. I was truly fortunate indeed that they loved me as much as they did, otherwise, I would never be able to live on my own like this. I only have one friend, Angiolo Milani, a family friend.

“Renee, how is the work coming on the new website design and that page your father wanted you to add?” Angiolo asked, walking into my room at my parents’ house. “He also wants to know if you have any ideas for more pages. I swear, I’ve never seen him so happy as when he is when he talks about you.”

“I’m working on it Angiolo, now. I just got a little distracted over the past is all.” I replied, my eyes still focused on my computer screen. “He’s so picky, but I suppose, so am I.”

“Oh, and another company President has been speaking with your father about an arranged marriage.” This was nothing new either, as the other companies often wanted a marriage to tie our companies together. “But your father is against it. He is more worried about your mental state than he is his own company.”

I sighed and turned to look at my best friend, the office chair under me squeaking as I did so. I made it clear that I would probably never marry, nor did I have plans to take over my father’s company. It did not feel right to do that since I was not an actual Rose Heiress. More than that, Angiolo himself had been vying for my father’s seat for years and I did not have the mind for business. Nor did I want to shake hands with people. Just the thought of it made me shiver slightly, which Angiolo noticed. Though I was sure father’s Board of Directors were hounding him for that arranged marriage.

“I have a solution for the arranged marriage, but I will wait for your father to arrive before mentioning it.” I shook my head at this, sending him a glare. “No worries, I think you will find it favorable as well.”

For some reason, his gaze was earnest, so much so that I felt a little worried about what was to come this evening. Angiolo was there for me since I first came into this family, so I knew I could trust him, but I could not help but be a little wary. Trust was not something I gave easily, and though I loved my adoptive parents, I still did not let them touch me either. Angiolo was the same way, though I could tell he had no intention of hurting me like those people from my past. Sighing softly, I turned back to my computer to wait for my father to return home.

A little while later, we all sat around the table, my family and I staring at Angiolo in shock. His plan was definitely unexpected, though no one was more surprised than I was. Sitting in my seat, staring at his handsome face, I never even considered it a possibility. Not even once. Apparently, from the look on my parents' faces, they had not expected it either. Angiolo had, after all, been a family friend, almost like a brother to me, since I first came here. I turned to look curiously at my parents who did not even appear to know what to say.

“What…what was that?” My father asked, unblinking. “Angiolo.”

“Mister Rose, Missus Rose, I am requesting that you allow me to marry your daughter, Renee Rose.” He stated before turning to look at me. “I’ve been in love with her since we were kids. I held off on asking for her hand in marriage or even for a date because I knew of her ailment, but I know the Board of Directors has really been hounding you about this lately.”

“Wait…wait what?” I stuttered, looking into those same brown eyes I grew up with. “Since…since when?”

“Since we were kids, Renee. I mean, at first, you were just a friend, but yeah.” Angiolo replied before turning to look back at my parents. “In all of the arranged marriages the company is wanting to force her into, none will take her into consideration. However, I am already dedicated to this company and to your daughter.”

“But…what about…her haphephobia?” My mother questioned, her eyes glancing at me. “You know she gets really sick when she’s touched, so children…”

“I am well aware. But it never stopped the love I have for her from growing over the years.” He smiled softly, eyes narrowing as though he were remembering something wonderful. “Renee works harder than anyone I know and even with her difficult past, she is always smiling, always giving her all, even with things get rough.”

I was still trying to wrap my mind around this. Now that I thought back, I could clearly recall everything Angiolo ever did for me. From the little things, like bringing me snacks and gifts, to the bigger things, like inviting me out somewhere to help me with my therapy. I thought he did those things at the encouragement of my parents, but looking back at it now, he only ever asked just me, there was never an invitation to my parents. On the other hand, was this just an attempt to marry into the CEO’s family to take over the business that way? But Angiolo was not that kind of man either.

“It does seem to be a good option, honey.” My father said turning to look at me. “What are your thoughts on it?”

The shock on my face must have been recognizable when I turned to look back at Angiolo. He smiled at me again, a slightly hopeful look in his eyes. I never knew anyone to be so earnest or hardworking either but then my eyes flew to my father who was still staring at me expectantly. What could I say? The only reason I ever feared marriage was because I did not think I would ever find someone that was willing to accept me. My heart was racing in my chest, hard against its cage as I thought about what marriage to Angiolo would be like.

If I did agree, could I grow to love him the way he claims to love me? Can I even love after how messed up my past is? I felt sad by the thought that maybe I was too messed up to love. But I could tell my father was stressed as well. Was that because the Board was pressing him to marry me off? Would my marriage to Angiolo even solve the issue at hand? I sighed softly, before looking up to my father. If I could help, if marrying someone would solve the stress my father was under, it was the least I could do. He did not have to be kind enough to take me in with as many issues as I had.

“I’ll marry Angiolo if that will stop the Board of Directors for you, Father,” I stated clearly, before turning to look at Angiolo. “I may not love you, but you are my best friend and the most accepting person of my illness. Perhaps it is something that will come with time.”

“I’ll talk with the Board tomorrow,” Father replied smiling gently. “Angiolo has my approval.”

The conversation went well back then, I thought looking down at my bridal gown, the only issue was that we could not just turn in a marriage license and be done with it. The Board wanted us to have an actual ceremony for the public which meant holding hands and kissing. Even though it was with Angiolo and I trusted him, my stomach still turned at the thought of touching him. I could only hope that I would not faint or have a panic attack during the ceremony. Of course, Angiolo did try to help me with that when he was not busy via exposure therapy, but it was unclear as to if that would work.

I sucked in a breath and turned to face the door when I heard a knock. My father and mother were standing behind the door, eyes watery. Though they knew this stunt was just to get the Board off their backs, it was still their little girl getting married. Well, adopted little girl. I sometimes wondered if they really wanted to adopt me or not. They stood arm’s length away from me knowing I would be uncomfortable if they got closer. Another knock and Angiolo appeared, clearly not one to follow tradition. He smiled softly as soon as he saw me.

“You look stunning, Renee. I know you’re not fond of the idea of marriage and moving in with me but I want to do everything I can for you.” Angiolo said stepping closer, breaking the usual barrier I had. “You can depend on me. I just wanted to tell you that before we did this today.”

That was another aspect of it I was concerned about. Living with my parents meant that I did not have to leave the house. Would that apply when I moved in with Angiolo? I was nervous and worried and twiddling my thumbs because of it when he gently grabbed my hands. I watched as his big hands enclosed mine between them, the warmth surprising me slightly. Instead of the sickness, I expected to curl through my veins, I felt butterflies run rampant in my stomach. Even though we did the exposure therapy for days beforehand, he had not kissed me. That thought filled my head making me flinch.

“Don’t worry.” He whispered softly, smiling slightly as I looked up to meet his pretty eyes. “I’m not going to actually kiss you, but you need to trust me, okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry Angiolo.” I replied my gaze falling to the floor. “I’m sorry I can’t be normal.”

“Renee…there is nothing wrong with you. This is your normal and that is what makes you my normal. I love you regardless.” Angiolo stated simply, his thumbs stroking the back of my hands. “I just want you to be happy and I know you won’t be if your father is sad.”

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