Finding The New Forward

-I joined the $1 for one month promotion of Vocal when I saw an ad for a challenge that I felt “called” to write about. I believed so strongly in my story that I subscribed merely to enter that contest, and to my core I knew I would win. During my writing process and while I waited to see who had won, I worked with universal powers through the Laws of Attraction like no other. There was no doubt in my mind that I could possibly lose, but drum roll please, I lost. I didn’t even get considered for the “should reads”. However, I had already swore that I was going to get the most out of that single dollar month that I could, and I promised myself that I would somehow find time to write weekly and make my reoccurring subscription worth it. I vowed to follow all the articles that could be found for advice on being a profitable Vocal writer, and I made it a point to be successful with this.

Well, here we are, and I have about a week left of that $1 month promotion, with profits of a whole seventeen cents. I felt so discouraged after losing the first challenge that I threw myself into a mini hiatus from writing and didn’t do any of the steps I swore I would stick to. I am aware that not making anything close to even a dollar is no one’s fault but my own, and I have come out of this secret hiatus, ending my unnecessary loser tantrum. But between mom life and school I am left with little time to write, so where do I even begin to find time for self-promotion? It’s all about building an online presence in a world where everyone already has several online presences, and when you don’t know what your presence or purpose really is, it can be quite challenging to even know where to begin, let alone to find the time to pick up such habits or work on creative endeavors.

So, what is it that inspires me? That is the next topic up for challenge on Vocal, and the truth is I don’t even know anymore. It feels like when I find something worth being inspired about, I am only met with failure. I keep saying that I am tired of it, but I am still here, searching for who I am and what I inspire to be.

Yesterday my daughter asked me if I thought I’d ever get a “real job” again and I simply told her no. I spent many years working jobs that made me wake up dreading my day ahead. I’ve been free from that for a long time, but never expected to be where I’m at now. I think that’s normal for a lot of people today. No one ever expected a pandemic to temporarily destroy our lives for over a year, and a lot of us have struggled to get back up on our feet, reevaluating where we are at in life and where we want to go, many pounds heavier than we were the year before, physically, and mentally exhausted. Just as I find myself.

Aside from living through corona life, I don’t think age is the only other factor in play of my scenario. I did some random late-night googling before bedtime last night and searching “how to start over after 40” led me down a rabbit hole of financial and career advice. I started contemplating where I’m at in my life, how I’ve gotten here, and where I want to go. I questioned what “starting over after 40” means to me. What google search would one find if I could answer that question?

I’m not your typical 40-year-old. My creative side is strongly reflected in my appearance with my many tattoos and bright red hair, but aside from that I am still not your average 40 about to be 41-year-old woman. I have nothing to my name except the child I struggle to raise, my old 401k from my Corporate America days has long sense been squandered away, and I have no idea what is next. I’ve always had a desire to become a writer and share the out of ordinary experiences that I have lived, and recently I have gone back to school to study creative writing. I wanted to learn how to write appropriately and profitably, but truthfully, I have currently had zero desire to put a pen to paper, not just because I have little time, but because I am mentally drained. Between school and mom life, alongside the constant struggle to maintain some sort of self-care routine, I just simply don’t have the effort to focus like I feel I should with any of my creative endeavors.

Prior to quarantine life, I had just left a relationship that had become toxic after eight years, and I was living alone with my daughter. Even though my circumstances were grim, I had high spirits and I felt that I was in good health both mentally and physically. I started planning to open my home as a studio spot and a space to hold a meditation and art combination class which I called “Releasing the Chaos”. When the pandemic broke out my ideas were put on hold, and we moved in with my now boyfriend. I gave myself to the universe to shed and start anew, stopping work all together. Letting someone that was considered a friend stay in the apartment I had been living in, I felt I was being sent a message to rebuild. To start fresh, but to start what, I did not know.

Several months later the landlord started asking for rent again, and the one who I thought was a friend with the keys to my apartment started ghosting my phone calls and texts. I was unknowingly evicted and charged with abandonment, and I lost all of the things that I had left in the home. I admit that was no one’s fault but my own, and never again will I trust someone so deeply. Unfortunately, now I cannot rent again and worry that I’ll never be able to have my own studio, let alone a home on my own. However, I have no choice but to work around that.

Now I ask myself if I even want to open a studio or teach meditation classes. I wake up every day wanting to stay secluded from the world, with no desires to put on a happy face and please others. There are times that I want to be social, but I’d rather choose those moments than have them forced upon me. I’d prefer to stay in the confines of my home where I am comfortable, just watching my bank account accumulate dollars and rise, but obviously it can’t do that on its own.

The Laws of Attraction that I learned several years ago have done nothing but attract a lot of disappointment in my life, even with my positive outlook and high spirits. I feel that every “attraction” I work on just tears me down and I am left a little less positive than I was to begin with. These days I feel a little more than just “lost”, and I can’t say I have much room or energy for positivity. I don’t want to say I have given up, but I really do feel like I have thrown in a towel.

So, what am I wanting to present myself to the world as? Who am I and what inspires me? I have always thought that by the time I reached my 40’s I would know that answer, but I think I am more confused now about those questions than I was in my early twenties when I was searching for a place to begin. Then again, maybe I never really got started.