Fantasising About Our Life Together

We’ve all done it before, whether it’s the handsome guy on the train, or the checkout girl who gave us an extra second of eye contact and wished us a good day. From strangers who we meet once or encounter daily, to people who we’re actively trying to get to know. We are creatures who daydream, creatures who fantasise about the impossible, but also possible possibilities.

Our minds are brilliant, and our imaginations showcase how wonderful they can be, but sometimes they lead us to thinking a little bit crazy. Our feet begin to run away with ideas before we have the chance to crawl with them. I know this to be true based on my actions when I was younger and also once in a while when I meet a great guy, I fantasise about the future we could have, and I have seen how problematic it can become.

Now let me set the scene of a fantasy my friend and I once shared in our youth and how it went from an innocent crush, to us being consumed by the male gaze. There was once a boy that would sometimes take the bus with his older sister to school, my friend and I would also catch the same bus on certain occasions. We went to different schools so the boy and his sister would get off the bus at a certain stop to then catch another bus that stopped directly outside their school. At the same bus stop was a bus my friend and I could catch if there was a certain shop we wanted to go to before school and didn’t mind the extra walk, otherwise we would take a different bus route that would lead us directly in front of our school. The day we saw this boy, we were both infatuated. We thought he was very handsome, the pretty boy type, he seemed a bit shy based on body language, but also, he probably felt awkward under the watchful eye of his older sister, but those were assumptions we made from observing this boy daily. Now of course, there was one boy and two of us, but we shared the fantasy. Sometimes we would invent scenarios on our commute that would resemble movie meet cutes and we’d infuse our competition into our fantasies. We both fantasied that he was into us and that we’d have an opportunity of love with him. The romcoms had gotten into our heads and we were pining hard and that’s when the subtle changes began. My friend started wearing eyeliner and lip gloss; she wasn’t one to wear makeup often, but I guess she wanted to stand out. I for one wasn’t interested in makeup, so I decided to style my hair differently and, on a few occasions, I wore a skirt to school instead of trousers. These were minor changes but for us it made a difference in our appearance enough to really notice and we were using common notions about female allure in order to miraculously attract this boy, who was probably just thinking about his homework or football on this morning commute. We really employed the stereotypes fed to us in the magazines that perpetuated the male gaze and began to change ourselves all for attention we were never to receive.

At this point in my life I didn’t know what the male gaze was, but clearly it was affecting me at this young age.

Although, the fantasising of this boy seemed harmless then, it affected how I viewed myself and my approach sometimes in dating and relationships. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality ever could be and when we take the elements we fantasise about and apply them onto the people we interact with, disappointment is sure to follow. I have also been on the receiving end of other people’s fantasies and that did not bode well either, you’re basically on the other end of disappointing someone, without knowing why and that’s not fun.

As for my own experience of enhancing someone’s place in my life through fantasy, I’ll share the tale of the greatest fantasy I ever had for a boy and our future. It starred a bright eyed, sweet boy, who lived cities away and despite the distance and the other little obstacles in our way, I thought we could actually make it. The romance was typical for the modern day, you both swipe right, you talk for a little bit and eventually you're talking every day on Facebook or Instagram or texting; whatever works best for the both of you. In the exchanges that you have, you get deeper and deeper every day. You learn about each other through discussing your past relationships to your friendships to your family to what you want to do with your life and so forth. There's always compliments in between the vital information you give one another. However, there's this great big obstacle in the way that neither of you talk about out, you become accustomed over time to ignore it, but once in a while when the opportunity arises for the two of you to meet you can talk about it because you're planning an event where the obstacle is no longer a problem and therefore it's fine. But reality is still reality and no matter what you do the distance is always there, the only thing that can eradicate it is a radical life change, but neither of you are in the position to really do that. The only option is to wait and think about the ways in which you could be great together. You're falling for him and he convinces you he's falling for you too, for him there's no one else, you're the only one who makes them feel like this and he can't wait to hold you in his arms and be the guy that you need. Having gone through heartbreak before makes you cautious you want to believe him your trust is ready to give to him, but you have to survive the events. Wildly, reality out matches fantasy when you meet and everything you thought would be there is but there's actually more because he's actually there. From that moment on you become sure about this boy and your fantasies go into overdrive and you think this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. Although you started over a year before, the reassurance has been given to you so you decide you can actually fantasise about the future we could have. In this future you see long distance monthly commutes, your communication grows stronger, he meets your friends and even your family, you finish your degree and make your move down to him and even though you go no further than there, it’s a big leap, at least 3 years investment into this person. But of course, life happens. The reality of being removed from you causes him to act drastically and he ‘ghosts’ you. You’re left feeling hurt and disappointed and when he returns a few months later, you’re struggling with whether or not you can trust him again.

Now, I never shared my fantasy with this boy or even how it grew after we actually met. I had a real affection for him, and I let it get carried away in my mind just because we had one amazing night. That's the danger of fantasy. That's the danger of putting hope into a scenario that could work, however, because you can't control the characters within in real life your fantasy was only due to end in disappointment. I’d like to add that it didn’t work out second time around, I was more cautious, and less fantasy driven, but he did the same thing again.

It's evident that I only seem to daydream about men and potential relationships, and I wonder what this means about me. Why am I always wanting what I can't have? Or what could never be? I often feel like love sends me in the opposite direction to where I want to go, therefore, I begin to question it and it's need. I constantly have to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with love, emotions are good, feelings are good, relationships are great granted that they are with the right people. It's just hard sometimes to find yourself in a place where you're comfortable with who you are and can accept others as they are. Not being able to find that comfort is what leads to constant daydreaming and fantasising about what could be rather than accepting things for how they are.

I'm currently learning to find a balance between fantasizing just for fun; as an easy light-hearted escape and seeing if I can see a future with somebody. I definitely think it's easier to do with strangers, than it is to do with the people who you're trying to get to know or already know very well. I don't think I'll kick the habit of dating the handsome man on the train, in my mind or kissing the checkout girl under fluorescent lights, after I've turned mine off at night. The little fantasies that I know I will not let become reality, I will always welcome. However, I’m slowly learning not to dream up how I want things to go with someone I really like because in the end I'll have heightened expectations that they will never meet, and they will disappoint me or hurt me. And neither of those are good.