‘Escape From Planet Ego’
By James Pittaro
“So this is your mission right; you’ve got to find a way to harmoniously evolve by yourself on this rock,
and I’m afraid, it’s against the clock.”
Copyright 2010 All Rights reserved.
Copyright © James Pittaro 2016
All rights reserved.
This edition published in Great Britain in 2016
By Pittaro Publishing
Printed in Great Britain in 2016
By Pittaro Publishing
Cover art by Laura Pittaro
All rights reserved
Contact Pittaro Publishing
This Book is dedicated to anyone who’s ever been marooned on the surface of planet ego. I wish you all the best and hope we can all find a way to escape from those persistent babbling ego-monkeys hanging on our backs.
The ideas and storyline of this book are based solely on the authors own experience, mixed with a lot of imagination; as a vehicle of metaphysical and self exploration, and therefore only represent the conceptual thinking of the author. No harm or offence is intended by any of this subject matter.
This book is a semi-autobiographical and metaphysical exploration on a conceptual journey through personal reality, in a constant struggle with persistent Ego. The author’s thoughts are brutally honest, with occasional glimpses of self enlightenment. If only he can find a way to get the damn Ego-monkey off his back.
Since I was a child I have been different and that difference people told me was being ‘eccentric.’ All I knew was that I wanted to understand things, and freely explore the relationships between them. It’s been going on all my life; a manic intelligence which is often received in one of two ways by my fellow human beings; either as an intense fascination or as fear.
I am no longer that child and now I am a mature man of 43 years. The journey of life has been fantastic and terrifying. In this book I want to tell you about it. So this book is about life I guess; the essence of living and maybe some discussion about what happens after. The chapters are short and to the point; I want to focus on certain things; ideas that have fascinated me and returned again and again in life; so I think they are somehow important. Most of all I want this book to be a way to remember those important things. So are you ready to begin this journey of ideas with me? I’m wondering where to start. There is so much to know and talk about.
The child was first, he learned the vital steps in life; a series of adventures with nothing known for certain; for everything was new, and he was so naive to the workings of the world. I learned the hard way to hide myself from other children. They called me the ‘Professor’ and bullied me. I learned to fight with such aggression and the Ego became bruised and resentful. My mother drowned herself in alcoholic misery, with the absence of my father, whom I have never known. There was no one there to guide me, and in some ways I was better off for it. But without protection I fell into a dark world of drugs and depression, and in the end I fell mentally ill, and retreated from society completely. The child was angry that he was never loved and somehow my Ego adopted his position and became me as my child identified with it. Then misery was sure to follow and truly it did.
The Young man
The child became the young man who roamed the streets of Glasgow in his twenties, and was homeless and learned to give up everything and live in the moment. Alone with my Ego; that voice inside my head and all the babbling it does, what is that all about? Is it really me in there doing all that talking? I listened to my voice constantly complaining and commenting and judging, and I wonder how it got to be like that? I thought back and I remembered the voice was always there so I guess I just assumed in the end it was me? And just accepted it! But that babbling voice has caused me a lot of trouble; in the end I had to find a way to get rid of it; or at least discover a way to stop identifying with it; in an effort to control myself. I’m not talking about a real voice, by the way, but the voice of my own internal dialogue. It has taken a long time to even hear myself clearly enough to untangle the confusion; to separate the fact from the fiction. To know who and more importantly what I really am? This has been the quest; I have so many questions and until recently never enough answers.
The Middle Aged Man
Now I have listened to myself for many years and the voice is familiar to me. I can almost see the true self inside the self delusion; and the machinery of mind has been revealed to me by constant self examination. Now I think I know what some of it all means and how my life is related to the larger mechanisms of existence. In some ways the Ego has a greater hold on me than ever before; and in some ways I am about to break free of its grasp forever. My Ego has scared me all of its life, but for once it’s the Ego that is worried about the rest of me, and just what I might do to it.
I know now as surely as time will take me to the end of my existence that the ‘Ego’ has held me back. Of course it’s not all self destructive, but truly mostly it only cares about surviving, and it will destroy or deceive any other part of me which wants to change or even challenge it.
So what am I to do? I love being alive and most of the feelings that come with it; the Joy and Love and the connections that are worth having between people. I have two children a boy and a girl. I love them dearly but sometimes it’s sad that we don’t always agree; but that’s ok because underneath everything I feel love more than anything. How could I not love them; they are me and I am them; new variations that my genetic seed brought into this world, and they have the right to go their own way; even if it means they don’t follow me. In the end I can only hope they follow their hearts and some good common sense.
But let’s get back to the ‘Ego’ monster he likes to sneak away and be unnoticed so he can slip in through the back door and become ‘me’ once again. I have to watch out for him; he’s a sneak and is addicted to being. Without my being to power him, he is less than a shadow, and has no power to change anything at all. He wants me to ‘blank’ and run out of things to say about him, and he does this by distracting the mental flow into dramas and tensions and fears.
But now he knows I’m onto him and that I’m watching all of his funny little Ego-monkey tricks.
Mechanisms of Existence
There were so many times when I nearly ‘lost it’; off the edge of the map and reality completely; and never to return again. I was a scary character who just spoke the truth no matter what. The only lies I told were to me, and this was the nature of my ‘self delusion’. I seemed to be open but really the Ego was afraid of everything, and it trapped me with constant ideas of death and destruction. I trusted no one and for many years I walked the streets homeless and alone. I became so lonely and miserable and ordinary time had little meaning to me; and life had no schedule or structure to it. I became an unconscious master of non-attachment, to everything except that babbling Ego, and in the end it nearly drove me mad. But somehow I began to see the ‘monster’ for what it was, and at first felt desperate to face it, for the thing was so much larger than the rest of me; or was it?
One day I became so sick of ‘it’ that I was determined to change. The creature had driven me to solitude and despair all the while goading and torturing me. The years of doubt and fear had somehow become this thing; so unloved and determined to destroy itself. I decided to study the mechanisms of existence within myself and find a way by observation and remembering to get beyond it.
There are two realities the real one and the one you carry inside your head. They are both connected but you can easily move between them in the instant of perception; like a switch in the consciousness; one minute you are outside feeling the cold wind and walking alone, and the next you are gone inside your head, and don’t feel anything. The past, present and future are combined in the moment; as memory, perception and projection; we remember the past, we perceive the moment; we project ideas into the future. But only one of them is real and the other two are illusions of the mind. Only the present is ‘real’ and therefore perception is the key mechanism of existence here. But the moment is so difficult to hold onto because of the Ego. It cannot survive unless it is identifying itself with the past or the future. In the moment it is just a ghost of nothingness insubstantial and incomplete.
What are we searching for? What is the purpose of existence? Why do we feel so incomplete? Something is definitely missing here; is it something important? I began to look at this in more detail. The part of me I called my ‘Ego’ had taken over and pushed other parts aside; like a monster who guarded its own existence with a jealous determination, and allowed nothing else to get passed it. For years I was my ‘Ego’ and nothing else; I was this monster; self absorbed, miserable and yes incomplete.
But something else was ‘James Pittaro’ too; something greater, but not just a product of my mind; not a creature of thinking like the Ego; but something else? In moments of great stress or loneliness or solitude; the Ego was gone and another me was there instead. This part was more present and was not filled with desire or pain; it was more like the ‘watcher’ returned from confusion; who understood all those things that the Ego did not; or more specifically did not want to understand. The Ego had glimpsed its own imperfection and destruction. It returned with a vengeance and would take me over more than ever; and life became ever more miserable and self absorbed. The cycle of desperation had begun again.
The Cycle of Desperation
Every human being who is lost is Ego seems to be in some kind of pain. I watched my mother for years destroying herself with alcohol and regret. The original hurt was long gone, but the cycle of desperation remained, and went on and on, and round and round. I went round my own circles for years before slowly learning to recognize and step off them. The only way to do it was to remember at the exact moment, when you were about to go into one of them; and practice not doing it, which is not an easy thing to achieve. At the exact moment when the emotional cascade has started; you need to become present in your mind instead of losing it and falling into Ego and the suffering that follows. But some people want to suffer; because they feel like they deserve it.
If you practice ‘remembering’ enough then you will begin to see your ‘Ego’ more and more often, and make the automatic transition between these two mind states into a conscious switch. A decision you know you have to make. For some people it’s like waking up and remembering they have been in ‘Ego’ once again. Every time I woke up and looked back. I felt frustrated when I realized how much of me had been constructed by my Ego; and how little was ‘present’. He was everything and I was another mind state being trying to remember enough to break out of my ‘perceptual’ prison which my other self had constructed for the rest of me. If you forget about the devil then he’s got you. I just had to break out somehow.
Years passed and still the monster was in control. Many people who loved me suffered his bullshit; and most of them gave up loving me in the end. It was now almost too late, and he knew it, and smiled a satisfied smile because he was the Master. Remembering had not been enough to stop him taking control. I had become bitter and lost in such nonsense and all of this derived from this ‘Ego’ that was hollow and had no empathy for anything which did not feed it in some way. I often wanted to give up and just die; but he wouldn’t let me, because he was scared more than anything of death. Less and less often those bright moments of presence happened until there was nothing but Ego left. Until one day.
I’m not going to tell you the story of that day because it’s not important. It was one moment in that day that really mattered; a moment of such pain and misery that I just had to commit suicide or actually change in that moment.
I found myself asking the monster if it could please let go of me for a while. Maybe we could work together and both coexist. I entered into a bargain with myself; and for some time was hopeful. But the monster broke the deal and took control again at the first opportunity; now it was worse than ever before. Everyone gave up on me and I was truly alone.
No-one really wants to be alone. Maybe some do? But I know I have never enjoyed if for more than short periods. The warmth of human contact is a blessing, and can be wonderful and scary and absorbing. But what if you are an Ego monster and eccentric; what then? In the end I chose to be alone. It saves a lot of time and trouble. I justified my solitude with statements like that. I punished myself endlessly. It’s no kind of life let me tell you, when the real world is hard enough. Occasionally someone would try and get passed my scary exterior because they saw something that fascinated or attracted them; I don’t know what. Then from nowhere people would be all around me and I became a Guru.
It seemed that people wanted to listen to me and hear my story. The Ego allowed it because he enjoyed the attention. But it was not my Ego they were interested in. It was something else; a manic energy beaming out of me. Difficult to explain; but somehow even though I was lost myself, I could see the truth about other people so clearly. It was easy; almost a release to tell the truth about something to somebody and I healed a lot of people with the truth, while still telling those same lies to myself, and wandering around as a homeless person in Glasgow. But evil doers where attracted and they entered the circle of truth and scared everyone away. These were unrepentant men of power, and had been fully absorbed into their own dark Egos. I knew I was very different to them and to fight them would be to risk being destroyed. Many times I was nearly killed; stabbed or beaten and mugged; but still I endured and knew that somehow I was changing again. I was no longer a Guru; and I realized it was just another grand delusion of my Ego, and that the tricky creature had deceived me once again. So many tricks up his endless sleeve and I hated him all the more for it.
He smiled and said
“Take another card; I bet you can’t guess what it is?”
And I never could!?!
I became determined to destroy him; as he was a monster who would not go willingly. He taunted me and became invisible again, and laughed in the shadows of my darkness.
“I’m going to play a game with me.” he said.
I trembled and was afraid of what he might do next; for surely the thing was capable of almost anything. Then I remember all the pain and suffering the creature had put me through. There was no one left who was capable of loving me whose love he wouldn’t try to destroy in an instant.
I prepared for him to do his worst and in the end he took me too new depths of self doubt and suffering; allowed me no rest and taunted me all the while in this mental dungeon.
“See I can make you feel anything now and you don’t know how to stop it. On and on and on and I will babble how I please; and your mind will be a slave to my corrupted thinking; and slowly I will become all of you until there is no room left for anything else. I will make you unlovable and insecure so that no one will come near you; and use your misery and pain to power my distorted existence.”
But then something happened. The watcher returned with such a presence and then I realized something important and woke up.
The Train of Thought
An idea can create such a spark of insight that the train of thought is given sudden momentum. The ideas thunder along rails of lateral thinking, and begin to pick up such a speed. Then the juggernaut cannot be stopped until has reached its destination. The monster had been gloating over me as usual when such an idea occurred to me. The Ego tried to stop me thinking it by saying that it was his idea; but the creature never thought of this and so suddenly he was not me and he was over there. I was in presence again and he was beginning to get smaller. The state was intense and I became a bit scared; but then I knew that was the monster trying to come back in again through fear. So I just let go and stepped onto this unknown train to an unknown destination. The speed picked up and I was aware of seeing myself as petty and insignificant; my Ego was suddenly in the spotlight. It wants to return and make me forget what I saw with wonder; how I could be free of this monster and the world that it had made for me. Now I knew it was possible to escape from planet Ego. The presence stayed with me for days; and I was aware like never before and truly was free in my mind and in my feelings and senses. It was like the world was new to me and I travelled on the train like an excited child who had never seen the world before and was truly happy. Eventually the train slowed down and stopped and the scenery became a bit dark and the next station came into view through troubled hills of emotional grey. The ticket master approached me and asked to see my ticket. I looked in all of my mental pockets for it and it seemed I didn’t have one. Ego smiled and asked me to get off the train.
Dead End Station
I looked at the world reforming into the dark and moody shapes of a negative monsters creation; and knew that this was dead end station. I looked back but the train of thought was gone, and now I just had my Ego baggage, and was feeling lost upon this new mental platform. The lateral rails had left me with a memory of an important feeling; but I couldn’t remember the details which were vague. I wandered into dead end town and everything seemed miserable and hopeless again.
At least some part of thought if not most or all of it is chemical. A balance or imbalance of these chemicals can account for most of being and perception. Chemicals in the brain lead to elements of being and elements of being lead to chemicals in the brain. It’s always changing and in some people this change is more extreme and therefore they experience extreme states of being in return. Then of course there are always those chemicals that we put into our own brains; and all the crazy states that result from them. I had to get out of dead end town; this was hopeless and Ego was in control again. Maybe Ego like everything else is a predominant chemical configuration of the mental soup; that the brain learns to default to?
I admit to being slightly manic depressive or Bio-polar as it’s called these days. I’m sure it’s what makes me gifted and is the power source that electrifies my mental soup. But the highs are followed by lows that are just as deep, and the Ego has learned to take advantage of my cycles and has got a lot to answer for. I have been offered much help by the doctors whenever it became too much; which is never often; and always seemed to develop into a period of mental crisis and a sense of breaking down. But it’s been years since that part of my mental state has manifested itself; and I think at last I know why? Writing has saved me and the love of a strong woman who has never abandoned me.
Ego can only love itself and has a hard time loving others. Anyone it can’t manipulate it is terrified of and is perceived as a possible threat to its existence; because they are in a sense. He can’t allow anyone to help me see what he’s been doing; no one to question his authority and control of me. But Julie is not afraid of him and he knows it because she is more real and consistent that he ever will be. She does not fall for his bullshit and buy into his silly illusions and is not swayed by anything he says or does; well for the most part. She has her own Ego but mostly controls it. She leads by example and his Ego is afraid he will wake up and see it for what it is, and then it will be destroyed in a huge explosion of knowing; forever. So the monster has to work twice as hard to mess things up and make sure that he never comes to this conclusion.
I fell in love with my partner the first minute I met her and it was wonderful in the precise way it was supposed to be; but then the Ego went and messed it all up. Time after time it did it again; and little by little she lost faith in him; until the monster had control again! She wished he would just wake up.
Life is not a rehearsal so don’t treat it like one; seize the moment and tackle your monster. But to do that you have to wake up! So why don’t you; you know why; it’s that monster Ego again; he wants you asleep and unaware of your true potential and the solid truth that he needs you much more than you need him. He’s the parasite and you are the host; not the other way around. Without you he is nothing; without him you are free. So wake up from your Ego made illusions and look the monster right in the eyes. Don’t blink or he will become you again; stare him out and size him up; he’s not that big in the daylight and remember you made him; before he gained control and began to re-make you. Don’t waste another moment as his slave and break the chains of attachment to fear and doubt which the selfish monster has forged around you. Wake up! Wake up now!
The Chains of Attachment
What are you attached to my friend? Those ideas and emotions you have given value and meaning to? Are they really yours or did the Ego monster forge chains out of them? You know one day you have to let go of everything; sadly it could even be today. So why would you spend so much time and effort holding onto them; it will only be that much harder to let go when that inevitable moment arrives. Don’t be scared; it’s just the hard fact of existence; everything that has a beginning has an end. Even stars that burn for a billion years eventually burn out. The Ego has feared this end from the moment it realized and materialized into you. It wants nothing to do with the present; and that eternally arriving moment of possible change; is redirected into the past as a memory stream which it clings onto or a projection into the future which is nothing more than an illusion in your head; but a compelling one which can even make you act upon it. So how do you break those chains of attachment? By watching yourself and then remembering and then becoming presence; and then again you are returned to the moment. As long as you can stay in the moment and stop the identification of Ego by avoiding the process of mental projection into the past or the future. But it’s something that you really need to practice. Every time you succeed it is a small victory over the Ego, and every time you fail it is a small victory of the Ego over you.
There will never be enough time as far as my Ego is concerned and yet the watcher knows that time is only an illusion. In the moment there is only one time and that time is now. But when I go off into the second world of my head; when ‘I’ returns; it seems that another large chunk of it has passed. One day I know it will run out. The biological clock is ticking and the spring is slowly unwinding. Of course other things can suddenly make it stop. The Ego likes to usurp the train of thought here; by making me dwell on the mortality of it; and the fear that follows. But if you look passed the Ego’s reaction to death; there is nothing to worry about. You will know when your work is done; a moment where it will all be ok? Then life has a wonderful meaning. But the world is unexpected and can ruin your day and all your plans, and therefore you’ve got to be mindful. The next moment when it arrives can bring danger with it.
Keep your eyes peeled and watch out for everything I’ve told you. Stay alert. But there is too much to remember and I want to fall asleep. How can I possibly stay awake; pinch me.
The danger is everywhere and the world is savage and uncaring. People are out for themselves. They want what you’ve got and they will take it without batting an eye-lid; its good form to steal something. They justify it in a million ways. Greed is their master. They only want to take advantage of you. But sometimes I wish my Ego would just shut up and stop fearing for its own existence. But it’s got a point. I don’t know you; so why should I trust you. We are all wrestling with the Ego monster.
It draws me in and into the heart of itself; like a monstrous black hole of doubt. The Ego has returned to dominate and make me fear it once again. I fall into the gravity well.
But not today ‘monster’; for my ship has another course, beyond the limitations of time and space, and the illusions of Ego; I’m leaving all of that behind now.
I punch the ‘go’ button and the ship has gone, for now we are powered by the imagination the only force capable of exceeding the speed of light; the only one which can take me beyond the limitations of my Ego; beyond time and space.
To a universe where everything happens in an instant; the moment of conception in a stream of bright ideas that are the source of all creation; we are not Ego, or personality; intellectual and emotion; we are something much more.
We are unlimited energy bound in matter for a time. The order of that form and the structure of everything around us were created by the universe. We are matter reinvented and surely we can never really die. But our shape and form must change for that is the nature of existence. The Ego is so attached to the shape of our current form and is terrified to let go of it. Beyond shape and form and illusion we are something infinite.
The journey leads back into time and space and the Ego rushes into fill the void. He breaths heavily like a man deprived of oxygen.
“Please don’t ever do that to me again?”
“Oh I see you are willing to talk to me at last?”
He looks at me in complete fear like a monster exposed to the light, and he considers how to escape and tries to become invisible. But the watcher is not distracted by his silly antics and the spotlight is on him for a change.
He’s beginning to sweat. I see him for what he really is.
“You are so ugly do you know that?”
“Me, we, who, you?”
“Don’t play your silly games with me. I know we are connected but you are the ugly Ego monster; caught in the spotlight of presence. What do you have to say before the sentence of the court is passed upon you; how do you plead?
“Not guilty…your honor.” A sarcastic laugh.
For the first time I’m looking straight into the eyes of an
Ego-maniac, this time I’m not going to blink and look away first.
This has to stop right here; I’m making a citizen’s arrest…
The Trial: Prosecution
It was the moment of the trial and Ego was present in the dock. He tried not to look like a monster; tried so hard to seem so innocent. But who was he fooling? Not his honor judge presence or the jury of morality and conscience; who viewed him with suspicion. The judge was first to speak.
“You have been charged with such a heinous list of crimes that I scarcely know where to begin. But it seems to me that you have been guilty of perpetuating your selfish existence by whatever means, and in the pursuit of that existence have denied any other part of yourself free expression. As such you have become a usurper and the dictator of consciousness. How do you plead?”
“I plead not guilty of course.”
The Ego seemed to grow and become a menacing figure and he glared at the judge and the jury.
“but ‘I’ do not recognize the authority of this court.”
“Order in the court I say.” The judge banged his wooden gavel on the bench. “We will have a state of ‘presence’ in this court room.”
“Take a note of the defendant’s not guilty plea. Prosecution you may state your case?”
“Yes your honor. We would like to start with Joseph the defendant’s brother.”
“Leave Joseph out of this!”
“Silence Ego! Prosecution you may continue.”
“Joseph was a good brother wasn’t he?”
“Yes he cared about me and wanted to be around me all the time.”
“And were you a good brother?”
“No…no I wasn’t. I was cruel to him and I just wanted him to go away.”
“Ah the truth at last; don’t stop now you may as well go on.”
“I was mean… A bastard. I wanted to be the center of attention. But it wasn’t just me we hated each other!”
“So you keep telling us. I put it to you that you have always been full of self importance, and without the merest regard for anyone. Don’t try to shift the blame it was you who did these things. Let’s look at your child hood; you walked the streets alone and imagination was your only friend. ”
“That’s not true; I had friends.”
“You mean there where people whom you manipulated into liking you; all the while you served you own selfish purpose. To get what you wanted; to have everything your way. You blamed everyone else for not understanding you and used the resentment to fuel the fire of your justification for behaving like this.”
“Stop it! You are trying to rewrite my history.”
The prosecutor laughed.
“Surely that has been your job?”
“Let us examine your self-image. You like to portray yourself as the Professor who was beaten up at school. You like to make people interested in you by presenting that intelligence and vulnerability. How many years have you been telling that sad tale?”
“It’s true they used to surround me in a circle in the playground. Kicking and punching me and shouting insults. Nearly every day I took a beating.”
“it was painful wasn’t it?”
“Yes it was.”
“But now the years have passed and that situation is long gone, and yet you still bring the memory of it back into the present. You relive it over and over; why are you so attached to it?”
“I decline to answer that question.”
“Then let me answer it for you. You use the pain of alienation to reinforce your self-image by reliving it. You do this all the time; over and over and go in endless circles. You are so obsessed with repetitive behavior; and you do it in so many ways.”
“But I have a right to exist; just as much as the rest of me.”
“So you admit that you are aware of the rest of me?”
“Of course but…I am afraid.”
“This fear is of course the root of your crime against yourself. You have been in fear of the unknown and of death for so long that it has consumed you. This is how you have grown into a monster. Now is nonexistent for you; as the past is where you project into, or the future instead; worried and cringing in the darkness. Like this you can never be free.”
Ego said nothing and the prosecutor continued.
“Then you learned to fight and in the end you battered anyone who challenged you. Is that not true?”
“Yes it is true at secondary school they called me ‘one punch Pittaro’; because I usually ended the fight in one punch.”
“That’s a lot of Ego fuelled resentment. With no one to challenge you; then you took over and became all of me and everything was out of control from there.”
Ego looked at the Prosecutor.
“You don’t want to admit it but it’s true. You never knew your father, and your mother was always breaking down; your brother took the attention away from you and you became resentful; an unhappy child roaming the streets alone, and learning to push the world away with aggression. When you where sixteen you where thrown out of the house and went to live under a shopping center. There is a pattern of abandonment here. The children’s homes and the extended periods away from any family contact. They took you away into care on numerous occasions; is that correct?”
“Yes whenever my mother broke down again.”
Then let’s look at your twenties. You where homeless on the streets of Glasgow for three years; Walking the streets alone and detached; sleeping under bridges, and in closes and walking endlessly looking for money on the ground. You redefined solitude and would let no one know you or get close to you. This gave you even more reason to hate an uncaring world. You used this to entrench your detached position.
“But the World doesn’t care. It doesn’t care at all.”
But the judge intervened.
“The World is not on trial here; you are Ego.”
“How many times have I saved us from the world? You might think that you don’t need me; but the truth is that you do. This trial should be declared a mistrial; I am clearly innocent and clearly you have missed the point completely; I am your protector the one who steps up in the heat of the moment. I am the cave man; the determined creature; the suit of armor, and without my protection you could not exist.”
“What you call protection is in fact enslavement. For you are such a dictator; and would never settle for a democracy. Don’t try to fool us with your heroic illusions.”
The Ego tried to protest.
“Silence in Court. I demand presence; do you hear me?!”
The judge banged his wooden gavel on the table.
“Prosecutor; you may continue.” The Judge gave Ego a steely and authoritative look.
The Prosecutor continued.
“Time after time you have usurped consciousness for your own twisted desires; without conscience without care. Are you going to deny these heinous charges?”
Ego was going to say nothing but blurted out something instead.
“I maintain that my existence is necessary and that you could not survive without me? What will you do when the danger comes again? Will you just stand there and become a victim without me to protect you from harm?”
But the prosecutor was not impressed by this argument.
“The truth is that enslavement to the mindset that you represent is just as bad as any other danger we could face. Surely it would be better to die ‘present’ than to live as an Ego-slave.”
The court went silent and the Ego said nothing at last. The prosecutor continued.
“Surely the truth is that you cannot be trusted not to take over. How many times have you used the fear of death as an excuse to gain control? I think the jury can clearly see this is just another mechanism by which you perpetuate your selfish existence, another set of chains that you have forged to make sure that we can never be free of you? I have to ask you this one simple question. Who needs who the most? Do you need the rest of yourself more than the rest of yourself needs you? And like some kind of corrupt selfish government you have not listened to the truth, you have not learned anything at all about love. What would you do if the court was to set you free and let you continued this irresponsible mismanagement of yourself?”
“I would continue to do what is right from my own perspective. I would protect you from the dark forces which are always at work. The simple truth is that you cannot be rid of me. I am part you as you are part of me.” The Ego fell silent. A hush fell upon the court room. The Prosecutor turned to the jury.
“You have heard the arguments and now it is time for you all to decide what is best. Is it really time to get rid of this corrupt and selfish creature of perception; this monster usurper of consciousness, with such a deceitful tongue; who will say anything to save its own existence? Should we allow ourselves to accept this self government because we are afraid of what would happen if we tried to exist without this self styled armor; without this raging fool to misguide us yet again. I put it to you; honest members of the jury, that life would be better in every way, if we were free of this ugly monster. Without the fear of death would we not be liberated beyond all recognition? Would the world not be filled with presence and from that stillness of being would it not be possible for us all too really change? Do we want to evolve beyond all of our monsters? Would the beauty of the world not emerge through the blackness of our present ignorance? The fact is that we are shackled to these ignorant things, and the warped existence that they represent. I for one would like to see this positive change. I would love to live an existence which had no need of these monsters. Surely the important word here is ‘love’. For as long as love has been displaced by self justifying ‘Ego’ there can be no nirvana and nothing will ever change. Will you take the opportunity to escape from this dictator of consciousness and the future it represents? Or will you give into your fears yet again?” The Prosecutor turned to his honor Judge Presence.
“I rest my case your Honor.”
The court room fell silent and the jury looked at Ego and pondered what was right and just…
The Trial: Defense
Ego stood up straight in the dock and glanced at the judge, waiting for permission to speak, constrained by current events, unusually timid for a monster.
“You may proceed with your defense, Ego. But I must warn you I will not stand for any silly antics in this courtroom.”
“Yes, your Honor, may I start by saying this… Everyone has an Ego. It’s not some accident of birth or some random happening of human consciousness. It is in fact a gift. The creator gave us this part of ourselves for many good reasons. I intend to outline the necessity of Ego in these terms, for this is what makes the most sense. Without Ego we could not survive. The dangers of the world are so obvious that we need some important mechanism to protect us, and that is obviously the purpose of Ego. The protector, the savior of consciousness; I put it to the rest of me that without this important protector we would never survive the processes of life. Isn’t it obvious now? Surely survival is the most important thing? Survival of the fittest! To destroy the very thing which protects and serves the core of life would create such an unnecessary advantage; we could not hope to survive. I was the part of that you relied upon every time the danger threatened your very existence. I may be ugly, angry, vengeful and sometimes even spiteful; but you would be nothing without me; just a victim waiting for the end. I am the necessary evil; I am the core of conviction. I will do the unthinkable so we can survive. I have no space for lofty principles, no time for airy pretension. I have no need for presence. I do not recognize the core principles which have brought me to this trial. Better you just learn to accept that I am a necessary part of me. Conflict is my language, strife is my currency, fear is my definition, and disappointment is my fuel. You would do well to fear me because I am capable of anything. Besides no one else will listen to this nonsense; for who would choose to be at such disadvantage? Even if this present court decides to sentence me to destruction; how would you hope to achieve such a state of existence?”
The court had gone silent, there seemed to be no easy answer to that question. Ego was larger now, stronger, standing on a pillar of righteousness. Who could challenge such a confirmed and unrepentant monster?
“Is that all you have to say in your defense?” The Judge waited for an answer. Ego glared at the jury and then turned away.
“Then if there is nothing else. I will instruct the jury to retire and consider its verdict…”
It was some time before the jury returned. They filed back into the mental courtroom and took their usual seats. The place went silent. Only Ego babbled to itself, as usual, and seemed almost nervous for once.
“Have you reached a unanimous verdict?” The Judge Enquired.
“We have your Honor. “ The verdict was passed to the judge who looked at the result with interest.
“You may continue to read aloud the verdict.”
“Yes you’re Honor. We the jury find Ego guilty of usurping consciousness. We also find that the manner in which Ego has taken over being, to be insidious and without regard, for anything other than its own selfish purposes. Further we also find that Ego has become too powerful to be contained. It has become the root cause of doubt and destruction, only existing to further its own distorted existence. That is all your Honor.”
The verdict had been delivered and Ego laughed in the face of it. His eyes glowed red like hell fire and his true form was seen for moments; fearful, defiant and enraged. The jury obviously feared him. The judge banged his gavel on the bench once again.
“Silence in court; I say; Silence!”
Ego laughed all the more…
Summary and Sentence
The Judge cleared his throat and began to speak.
“I find it to be a basic right of every being to exist. Creation has many forms, many interdependent aspects, of the same expression of universal construction. Or to put it more simply; we are all fragments of the same thing; the will of creation being constantly reinvented through an infinite number of different forms. Who can say what is right and what is wrong with any certainty? The Ego has always been prominent within the structure of mankind. It has been a valuable servant in times of danger; of this there is no doubt. But it is also true that this very same part of humanity has caused terrible destruction, ignorance, and is always manifest in times of conflict. It has taken over consciousness and reduced the potential of being down to its own narrow parameters. This one aspect has found a way to dominate mankind, through internal fear of death. It is the root cause of all that I find negative about the self. It defines greed, arrogance, and self indulgence. The conflict of Ego has become the basis of all conflict, leading to the displacement of noble ideals, and the erosion of love and understanding between humans and the isolation and loss of empathy for anything which is not created by it. I believe that the Ego is a product of self awareness, the manifestation of ‘knowing’ about the eventual destruction of the self. No other creature that we can see across the panorama of known life, exhibits this mind state. No other creature makes war upon its own kind. Kills in the name of an idea or a principle; is willing to destroy for the sake of a mental condition, or to attain gratification or wealth. Instead of accepting with total conviction that this is a form of madness, carry on regardless and make the same old destructive mistakes; to the eventual doom of all of this on this planet. The Ego has created false structures and gods. It has usurped human consciousness so effectively, that we seem bound by it. However I believe we still have a choice. We can choose to struggle with that very part of our natures. We can choose to stand up at last and say that we wish to be become mindful and wary of this destructive part of ourselves. For it seems clear to me now, that choice is the key concept here. Choose to live with Ego and with everything negative it represents, or make the choice to change into something else. Remembering and having the courage to stand up for what is right is never easy, but the rewards are possibly immense. Imagine a world without Ego, without conflict and destruction. A safe world, where self absorbed beings not polluted by the folly of Ego, are able to make sensible, present and compassionate decisions about everything. Imagine that? Would such a world be a better place, than one fuelled by hatred and mistrust based on fear of personal destruction? I personally believe it would be heaven. But this is not such a world. If only one being were to change what difference would it really make? The Ego has eloquently stated its case. The disadvantage might be too great; the cost would be too much; perhaps even the end of life itself. But I cannot let my judgment to be swayed by the fear of what might happen. Sound decisions are based on more than this. Therefore I find that the Ego has betrayed the rest of consciousness. Now I must pass a sentence which reflects the seriousness of these crimes against the self. But what sentence is there which I can pass on myself. The Ego is so integrated into that state of being, that even when driven to desperation by such a usurper of thought and consciousness, there seems no way to deal with it in such a definite manner. “
Ego smiled a wicked smile and seemed to know what his Honor Judge Presence was going to say next.
“Therefore I have no option but to release Ego from its current confinement, but with a warning. The rest of this being called James Pittaro, is watching you. Every step you take is being considered now in such a mindful manner. If you attempt to gain control; it will not go unnoticed. You will be returned to this courtroom and will be put on trial again. Therefore the sentence of this court is that you shall undergo a period of probation. You will be mindfully observed, and if you try to take over again, then you will find yourself standing before this court. I see by the smile on your face that you are contented with this sentence.”
“I am your Honor.” The tone of Ego was less than repentant.
“Do not make the mistake of thinking that you can just return to your old ways; you cannot. Take this as a final warning and find a way to integrate with the rest if yourself; you must seek a balance somehow. Do you understand?”
Ego smiled another almost evil grin and looked at the Judge with a flash of contempt.
“Yes I fully understand, your Honor.”
The Judge noted the Ego reaction but said nothing.
“This court is adjourned, Ego you may now leave the dock.”
There was a worried murmur from the court, clearly not everyone was happy about this judgment…