Body Image

I had body dysmorphia before I knew it was almost like a trend, before I studied it in college Psychology class or before I watched in on tv.

I was the girl who used to run 3-5 miles a day, maybe eight because if I didn't I was always going to be "too fat". I'm the girl who ate salads all week and maybe indulged with a burger on the weekend because I was allowed one cheat day. I am the girl who has tried weight loss products hoping there was an escape from the never ending rollercoaster of feeling starved and unloved; mainly by myself.

I'd say my body dysmorphia started when I was 14. I started to realize I wasn't as pretty as everyone else and maybe had some extra weight that I didn't feel happy about. I never had confidence and I was too afraid to be real, because I didn't know how.

All of that changed after 2017, I had escaped an emotionally abusive relationship where I had been told I needed to work out and my weight was unhealthy. I was often put down for my anxiety and criticized for it felt like just about anything I could have done wrong, but I never very often felt like anything was right. I had been struggling with my anxiety and my depression, moving and acclimating to a new area (from NH to VT) feeling like an outsider and failing to feel like I fit in. It was a tough time, adjusting to a job as an empath where I helped people when I was struggling in a lot of ways to help myself. It felt so odd. In that time I worked with people who had many different disabilities: from intellectual disabilities, to minor learning disabilities. I also worked with a few females who had been prone to self harm. There were a lot of parts of me that felt very triggered working with these females, being I had in the past struggled with such horrific acts.

In late 2017, It seemed life had decided that it was time to go in a different direction when I had gone through a pretty rough break up with the case manager of the company I was working for as a "life coach" (I still laugh at the title) and my first truck I ever owned broke down. It seemed that every road was leading me in a new direction and this direction would be a positive direction that would change my perspective on body image, and self love.

Originally, I wanted to talk about just the way we view our relationship with our bodies, but now I think I want to cover a broader topic. I want to cover our relationship but also our love for ourself, our coping with trauma and finding that relationship with ourself and our body again. At one point, we never thought about our bodies, we were children, we felt our souls and everything was simple. We wore the shorts, even if they were "too short", we wore the crop top and the bikini, heck we'd run around naked if we could! What changed?

Maybe it was the time someone made a comment about your body and than suddenly you thought "Wow, maybe I am." For me, the first comment was made when I was nine. A friend of my moms had made a comment "wow, your getting pretty chubby, huh?" the most unnecessary comment made and for what reason? Did it benefit anyone? Did it uplift anyone? Certainly not me. At that point I had plenty of confidence. I wore what I want, did what I want; and for the record, I was far from chubby; but even to this day I think about the way that comment made me feel. Even though at that time, I wasn't hitting the gym every day or stepping on the scale, or obsessing about the way clothes fit me; I know subconsciously it affected me. That is how it all begins, subconscious. Sometimes it creeps so slowly and quietly into our brains we don't hear it until it's screaming and then the obsession begins.

On Tv we make jokes about eating disorders. We laugh at the girl who has to "barf later after eating a pizza" like on Heathers (a movie from the 80's with Wynona Ryder & Christian Slater), but then we have real conversations and show the real, ugly side of it. When I think of the reality, I think of the Tv show Insatiable with Debby Ryan; which shows a girl who was known as "fatty patty" who wanted so desperately to be a pageant queen. She had a binge eating disorder that caused her to get bullied and made her want to "be better in the world" and prove everyone wrong about her. Well, it's real. The girl who eats her feelings, because they are too painful and deep to talk about; from sexual abuse, to physical abuse, from the abuse of being put down your whole life and thinking "well maybe there is something wrong with you". The narrative in your mind is "you must be damaged, you must be unworthy of love, not beautiful". I think every woman is guilty of this; after all why do weight loss products sell so quickly? Beauty products? We are so used to thinking we aren't enough.We need more! More makeup, more gym time, more dieting, less living. When will we realize we are enough?

For me, my journey to self love began in the beginning of 2018. In that year, I had decided to start over. I moved back to New York where I had grown up; from the small minded community I lived in NH, to New York the place where ideas were created. While I didn't live in the city, as most people think, I lived in a heavily populated (very diverse) area with a lot of culture and it was very refreshing. I was surrounded by so much beauty and I wanted to really feel everything. I did still suffer at first with my body image, the first thing I did was get a gym membership and then I put myself on a very intense routine of strict exercise and dieting. Meal prep was on the weekend: I made salads, fruit salads and the only protein was lean meats, beans, and eggs occasionally. I tried very hard to eliminate the carbs. I'm sure people think "That's not a bad thing, that's good!" but in reality it was my mindset that wasn't healthy; the guilt, the way that I would push my body just "a little bit further" and became just a little bit obsessed. I at that time became very involved with social media and my image. At first it was a way to log my progress, but in the process I discovered "Wow I'm actually beautiful." I had attracted a lot of attention after my weight loss and began modeling.

Social media and modeling really inspired me to make Instagram my platform to talk about body image and my journey to loving myself and my body. In the process I had so many woman reach out to me and vocalize how they appreciated my documentation of my journey and my honesty. That was all I wanted, to reach and inspire so many women (and yes some men) to realize their own value and beauty and to feel comfortable in their skin.

After realizing this was my passion, I decided I was going to take these ideas one step further; my movement and my ideas. I was going to extend myself to working more creatively with people who wanted to model (being a photographer and owning a business) and to allow the opportunity to see themselves through a new lens. I decided it was time to scope new sites and put out some positive content and hopefully empower women (or at least a woman) by capturing perhaps a view she hadn't seen before. In that moment we were standing on the Empire State Building and I had the camera, there was no doubt that she was a model. She had broke down in an interview after saying that she was thankful for the opportunity. She had never thought she could be a model and now she was doing it, and she was being acknowledged for the beautiful woman she was and is today. The photos had a lot of positive feedback on social media and seemed to really encourage many women who I had spoken with about body image. I'm so thankful I could share my story and can still share my story and I hope to always inspire women and men too!

Over all, I believe once we stop feeding into society we will begin to believe it. Once we put down the magazines, turn off the tv, stop comparing ourselves to the woman next to us as we don't know her struggles. Stop looking to create the model version of yourself, strive for the real version. If health is important, go to the gym, be healthy. If a good run makes you feel alive, go for it! After all you deserve to live the happiest most beautiful life.

Now do yourself a huge favor and when you hear those voices telling you that you aren't beautiful, that you aren't Debby Ryan the gorgeous pageant model, and maybe you feel like the Pageant star from the movie Dumpling, not quite measuring up to her mother the Pageant queen; you are the star of your own damn pageant and you deserve to wear the crown: you don't have to run for it, you don't have to throw up for it, or run 10 miles or obsess over calories. There will never be a more authentic you, if you let the world see her or him (Just like Brittany, in the photo above).