Baby Blues

"Thud, thud, thud..." Went your tiny heart beat on the monitor.

"Thud, thud, thud..." Went my bigger heart beat on the gynecologist's table.

"6 weeks and 3 days..." God, what was I doing 6 weeks and 3 days ago? Oh yeah...

He had bright red hair and stood at 6'3 a skyscraper to my 5'6 frame. We met on Hinge and decided to meet. The first time I saw him, he was standing at the information desk in the middle of Grand Central. Lights were gleaming from all around and it seemed like the painting on the ceiling came to live. I had just come from a photoshoot where I put crystals over a woman's naked body, and glue covered my hands. Our eyes locked, I waved, his face turned as red as his hair. After sharing a quick embrace we decided to go to Central Park for ice skating. Somewhere on Madison Ave, our hands interlocked and were quite literally stuck together from the glue still on my hands. Our perfect first date.

On our second date, we sat behind the MET eating chicken and rice from a Halal vendor drinking Ginger Ale from the can. It was a beautiful November night, the barely-full-moon shone down on us acting as a kitchen lamp. When we were done eating, he put his arm around me and I snuggled closer into his warmth. Everything felt right. Then he whispered in my ear, "I think I'm falling in love with you." I turned, gave him a kiss, and repeated the same words back. Our perfect second date.

Our dates after that were just as perfect as the first two. When we weren't going on dates, we were walking around the city. He would tease me about my poor sense of direction and we would laugh. There was never a moment where our laughter didn't fill the city air. We were so in love. Madly, undeniably, irrevocably, smile-plastered-on-face in love. Just us, 22 years old. The world was at our finger tips and music played on repeat.

I first noticed a change in my body when I was getting nauseous walking down the street. It was unusual, but I brushed it off because New York smells. Who wouldn't get nauseous? Then my boobs got bigger. Whoa this is cool! But wait? I had gained 5 pounds. Oh no... something's up.

I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist to check my birth control. She asked me to do a routine pee test to check for pregnancy, just in case. I went into the restroom, peed in the cup, came back. She dipped a white piece of paper into the cup and waited. About 2 minutes later, her face dropped and she called over an assistant.

"See these two lines? It means that you are pregnant."

Tears streamed out of my eyes. The music stopped.

This is a letter to you my little baby. You are my little secret. The little heart beat, beating inside of me. I was not ready for you yet baby. I wish I was more prepared. Or prepared at all. I am sorry. I wanted to write this letter to you about your mother and father and how we met, and how great those first months were, and now you know. It was a short, fiery, love that lasted only a year. He was in military school and I was no where ready to settle down. The world brought us to different ends. Although we parted ways baby, you will never forget you.

I imagine you sometimes, when I am alone. Holding you in my arms. Your red hair and soft skin pressed up against my cheek. I imagine breathing in your wonderful smell. Your baby blue eyes staring up at mine. My finger wrapped in your little hand. As perfect as perfect gets.